Wolf (Temporary title till I can find something)

Cool. Nice dialog. I am a little confused though.

Anything by the name of wolf or werewolf would catch someones eyes, but you could use a name for wolf or werewolf in a different language like greek or Italian. I loved your piece and the fact that you used so many words to emphasize a scene. You are truly a great writer,

but, one of your, not flaws, but something that isn't very good in my taste, is using I. I always type something in 3rd person if I am going to write something.

I have only replied to so many posts and you might think this is horrible, but I am a writer at heart. (Even though my heart belongs to helping animals as I now work with the SPCA)

Overall your story was almost flawless. Great.

Well everybody else pretty much covered everything so I gguess the only thing eft to say is I really enjoyed the story and keep writing.

P.S~ a title should be a 1-7(or less) word summary about what the story is about

~Dominique

I loved the opening. Very attention-grabbing. Since all the issues I noticed have already been covered in other reviews I can't say much else.

The only thing I can't hammer home enough is to sound feminine, unless you want your character to sound masculine. Either way would work so long as you're consistent. Writing from the POV of the opposite sex is hard. I've tried and failed enough times myself but eventually it clicks in.

This probably hasn't been fairly helpful. Keep up the pace! I'd love to read more of it.

By the way, you've made my day with the George Carlin quote.

Heya Leth!
I'm here to review... duh.

Red = Corrections/negative
Blue = Things I like
Bold = My suggestions/comments

I watched as the moon rose slowly over the horizon. Her light tickled my skin and filled me with boundless energy. My eyes began to glow bright amber. I yelled at the top of my voice, but no matter how loud I yelled, it felt like I would never be able to fully express my full joy tonight. For tonight was the night of change, it was the night of the full moon. I loved this beginning! It was descriptive and interesting.

I began to run forward, across the field of grass, rushing towards the rising moon. Fur sprouted out across my entire body, uninhibited by my clothes. My hands and feet turned into paws of great strength, my head morphed, shaping into a long, pointed muzzle, and a tail sprouted out of my backside. Hmm... this sentence was a bit on the long side. Maybe you could try shortening it? In one seamless change, my weak human body had become a sleek and powerful wolf. Now, not only could I feel the full moon but smell her wonderful aroma, taste her mouth-watering flavour, hear her beautiful music, and see the sight that would leave all speechless. I am commanded by none, and admired by all. I am a Werewolf. Great ending!



Chapter 1

I tried not to notice all the humans watching me as I sipped my scalding tea. Their eyes followed my every move, even down to the slightest twitch of my tail and ears. I wasn’t even halfway to the inn before I had most of the village following me. I sighed, knowing that I should be used to this kind of attention by now, but their stares always gave me the creeps. I

I jumped when I suddenly felt someone’s hands grab my tail. My face flushed with embarrassment and anger that someone would grab me in such perverse way. I was about to turn around and backhand the sick pervert, until I saw that it was young human pup of about five years. He stared up at me with his sad green eyes, his clothes dirty and torn, and with my strong sense of smell I could tell he hadn’t probably bathed in months.

“Could you tell the gods to help my mommy, Miss Angel?” he asked his voice too heartbroken for someone his age. I really liked this. “She’s sick, Miss Angel, and we have no money, but you could ask the gods to make her better.”

Whether gods existed or not, I wasn’t sure, but in my heart I knew I would never be able to tell this boy that there was nothing I could do. I reached into the sack of coins at my waist and pulled out a gold terra.

His eyes sparkled when I put the coin in his hand and said, “Take this and go get your mommy a doctor,” I said. “The gods told me that if you get your mother to the doctor, she will be all right.” I didn’t feel right lying to the kid, but I knew that he needed hope.

“Thank you, Miss Angel,” the boy said excitedly. He bowed quickly, and ran out the door.

I leaned back in my chair, You don't really need this comma. and did my best to control my emotions. It seemed that in every village or town I went to, some human without hope was asking for my help. Humans, for whatever reason, believed my kind were beings sent down from their gods to help them, and as far as I knew, none of my race believed in a god. Another longish sentence. Replace some of those commas with periods or semi colons, maybe? We were people of the here and now, never worrying about the past, and not fretting over the future. I liked this quote!

I sat up and sighed. Picking up my tea, I stood up and walked over to the bar setting it down. The bartender from me to the cup of tea, and back to me again. He looked almost fretful, as if I was somehow displeased with him. “Is something wrong with your tea, ma’am?” he asked.

“No,” I replied, sitting down on a stool. “But I could There seems to be a word(s) missing here, or is it just me? something strong. The strongest of whatever you got.” The man pulled out a bottle of amber liquid and poured it into a small glass. I grabbed the glass and downed it in one gulp. It burned all the way down, and I felt my emotions begin to melt away with it. “More.” He poured me another glass-full and I downed that as quickly as I had done the first.

As the night descended I could barely make my way to my room. I could barely focus my mind long enough to get my door open and stumble in. I shut the door behind me and collapsed onto my bed. Lying there, I could hear all the people who had asked me for years to help them, knowing I could do nothing for them. I cried, curling into a ball, trying to make myself as small and insignificant as I felt. I liked this ending!

“More.” He poured me another glass-full and I downed that as quickly as I had done the first.

Nice work. As far as i know , I haven't seen werewolves used in this way.
Plot wise , its sound , though i do think that the prologue could do with a slight altering so it fits more with the rest of the story. It has a very positive tone , which contrasts alot with next part.

The rest is good , just read through it and make sure it makes sense. There are some bits that could do with a slight editing , but on the whole , good job. I look forward to more of your work.

Hey Leth! Nice to see you decided to do something with this! (I was in chat when you were asking about continuing from the prologue).

You've got the girl pov down pretty well in this piece. But it is something to keep an eye on, as it's easy to let a heroine get too pathetically girly. Like Vox, I'm eager to know more about this girl, her life, and her world. Definitely keep writing it!

I really liked the part with the little kid calling her Miss Angel. It was adorable and sad at the same time.

Nitpicks:

“But I could [there's a word missing here] something strong. The strongest of whatever you got.”

Lying there, I could hear all the people who had asked me for years to help them, knowing I could do nothing for them.

Lethero wrote:[b]I watched as the moon rose slowly over the horizon. Her light tickled my skin and filled me with boundless energy. My eyes began to glow bright amber. I yelled at the top of my voice, but no matter how loud I yelled it felt like I would never be able to fully express my full joy tonight. For tonight was the night of change, it was the night of the full moon. [/b] You have some great description here, but it's also a little wordy, and a lot of "I"s. Try combining some of the shorter sentences for a better effect.
I began to run forward, across the field of grass, rushing towards the rising moon. Fur sprouted out across my entire body, uninhibited by my clothes. My hands and feet turned into paws of great strength, my head morphed, shaping into a long, pointed muzzle, and a tail sprouted out of my backside. In one seamless change my weak human body had become a sleek and powerful wolf. Now, not only could I feel the full moon but smell her wonderful aroma, taste her mouth-watering flavor, hear her beautiful music, and see the sight that would leave all speechless. I am commanded by none, and admired by all. I am a Werewolf. This last bit is marvelous, but it leaves me wanting to know--how does it feel as the tail sprouts? Does it hurt? Tingle? Does she still have her clothes on?


Chapter 1
I tried not to notice all the humans watching me as I sipped my scalding tea. Is she in Werewolf form right now? How is she drinking tea if she's a wolf and has no thumbs? A little more description of how she does this would go a long way.

Their eyes followed my every move, even down to the slightest twitch of my tail and ears. I wasn’t even halfway to the inn before I had most of the village following me. I sighed, knowing that I should be used to this kind of attention by now, but their stares always gave me the creeps. Wait, is she at the inn already or going to the inn?

I jumped when I suddenly felt someone’s hands grab my tail. My face flushed with embarrassment and anger that someone would grab me in such perverse way. I was about to turn around and backhand the sick pervert until I saw that it was young human pup of about five years. He stared up at me with his sad green eyes, his clothes dirty and torn, and with my strong sense of smell I could tell he hadn’t probably bathed in months.
“Could you tell the gods to help my mommy, Miss Angel?” he asked his voice too heartbroken for someone his age. “She’s sick, Miss Angel, and we have no money, but you could ask the gods to make her better.” Why does he call her "miss angle"? Is she in wolf form? Wouldn't he be scared of her in wolf form (if he's not, tell us why)
Whether gods existed or not, I wasn’t sure, but in my heart I knew I would never be able to tell this boy that there was nothing I could do. I reached into the sack of coins at my waist and pulled out a gold terra.
His eyes sparkled when I put the coin in his hand and said, “Take this and go get your mommy a doctor,” I said. “The gods told me that if you get your mother to the doctor she will be all right.” I didn’t feel right lying to the kid, but I knew that he needed hope.
“Thank you, Miss Angel,” the boy said excitedly. He bowed quickly, and ran out the door. Wait, where is she now?
I leaned back in my chair, and did my best to control my emotions. It seemed that in every village or town I went to some human without hope was asking for my help. Humans, for whatever reason, believed my kind were beings sent down from their gods to help them, and as far as I knew, none of my race believed in a god. We were people of the here and now, never worrying about the past, and not fretting over the future.
I sat up and sighed. Picking up my tea, I stood up and walked over to the bar setting it down. The bartender from me to the cup of tea, and back to me again. He looked almost fretful, as if I was somehow displeased with him. “Is something wrong with your tea, ma’am?” he asked.
“No,” replied, sitting down on a stool. “But I could something strong. The strongest of whatever you got.” The man pulled out a bottle of amber liquid and poured it into a small glass. I grabbed the glass and downed it in one gulp. It burned all the way down, and I felt my emotions begin to melt away with it. “More.” He poured me another glass-full and I downed that as quickly as I had done the first.
As the night descended I could barely make my way to my room. I could barely focus my mind long enough to get my door open and stumble in. I shut the door behind me and collapsed onto my bed. Lying there, I could hear all the people who had asked me for years to help the, knowing I could do nothing for them. I cried, curling into a ball, trying to make myself as small and insignificant as I felt.


*The first part I wrote a while ago, and have been wanting to base a story off of it. The second part is a result of the first. On my character I want a female opinion mostly because I am a guy and I want to see if I captured a good female attitude for my MC.*