This is a pretty short chapter (am considering of adding it to the end of Chapter 1) but it helps add an extra sense of forboding.
In the early morning hours a jeep pulled up to the entrance of Yerl. The gravel crunched as the driver stepped out of the vehicle. He threw his cigarette to the ground and stamped it out with his heel. “Sure this is the town?” he asked his friend in the car.
The guy looked up from his laptop and said, “Yeah, this is Yerl all right.” He shut his laptop and got out of the car. He lit a cigarette, took a puff, and then said, “This town is fucked up for not noticing the demons walking in between them.”
“Well, we’ll purge this town of all those demons,” said the first guy. He opened the holster at his side and took out a revolver. He checked the silver bullets and said, “By the end of this week no demon will walk these streets again.” He holstered his gun and climbed into the jeep, followed soon after the second man who snuffed out his cigarette. Then with a roar from the engine, they road into the Yerl.
And again if you read Blood & Chocolate and this starts sounding anything like it, please tell me.
You need to go back and look at the grammer, your missing some commas, and some other things.
This little bit is intresting, but I'm not getting a real sense of who these men are. Should we, as the readers, be afriad of them? Have caution when we read about them? &ct. Something that can help this: Types of clothing, looks, sharper actions, thoughts &ct.
This could be a very intresting chapter with a little work.
I'll be looking for the next instalment.
LP
Skipping over the grammar and spelling...
I really don't think there's much to say on this bit (it's just really short and I don't know what to say). I think the main thing I can say right now is to be sure you know how you're adding this into the full text of your story. Like, are you going to say who you're following before the bit, or just start a new chapter and let others figure it out themselves? Just be sure that you don't get too confusing with the way you do, however you choose.
Other than that, there really isn't much to say because it's such a small bit and nothing's really going on yet since you're just introducing a couple new characters.
--meow
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