The Others
I sat up and rubbed my eyes. It been a hard night earlier, the human assault was devastating, but we survived. We lost countless many, but we killed or captured most all the humans.
I stood up and walked over to the window and looked over the Underground City. Building reached up and touched the roof of the city. Lights lit up the lower part of the city and tubes ran down from the ceiling of the city.
I picked up my shirt and walked out of the door and started down the hallway. “Hello Kersko,” said the woman behind the desk when I reached the first floor, “you have a good night.”
“Yeah,” I replied without looking and walking out into the street. People and animals walked down the street. I knew that the people were the same as the animals, and the animals same as people. For we are Herskons; people with the ability to change to an animal. Exiled by human society, driven underground to form a new society for our own.
I fingered my blood red necklace, the symbol for the Fresco Family, the Wolf Family. There are many families, each having different stones and different forms. The leading Family were the Gerskon Family, the Dragon Family. My Family was one of the lowest of the group. I promised my brother I would make the Fresco Family something important.
“Kersko,” a voice called from behind me, “wait up.” Then a lion bound up next to me. It was my friend, Lesijah, from the Lisash. “Can’t you wait up for me.” He stopped and I walked on ahead then he came back up to me in his human form. “You’re being annoying right now,” he joked.”
“Hey, I’m trying to get to work,” I replied.
“Oh, yeah, I remember, you got a messenger job with the Gerskon Family. You keeping your promise very well.” He pulled out a slip of paper from his pocket. “Oh, I forgot to give you this, it’s from Traska, she says it’s important.”
I opened the slip of paper. It was short, but it contained enough information for me:
Kersko
My house, you know the reason.
Traska
“So, what’s it about,” Lesijah asked.
“Nothing,” I replied. Then I was padding up the road away from Lesijah as a wolf.
_
/ \
\ _ /
“You’re late,” Reyih, from the Gerskon Family, said, “I expected better from you.”
“Sorry sir,” I replied with a slight bow, “I’ll try better next time.”
“If you’re late again, I’ll get rid of you. Understand?”
“Yes sir.” I tried my best not to glare at him, but I knew he felt my hate.
“I got a letter of some importance for you to deliver, it is very important. Got it?” I nodded. “Good. Now I want you to deliver this to Hertan, in Oryak.”
“A human city, sir,” I almost yelled. “But I’ll surely be killed.”
“If you remember to stay in this form, you’ll be okay. Now Hertan lives in the Jerka District, house number two-five-six.” He took out an envelop from his desk and held it up. “Do not read this under any circumstance. If you come back alive, I’ll pay you handsomely, and you’ll be done for the day. Got it all?”
“Yes sir.”
“Good.” He handed me the envelop. “Now get out of my sight. If you don’t deliver this message, I don’t ever want to see you alive again.” I nodded and ran out of the room as a wolf.
I decided to see Treska before I went to the above world. Besides she could get me a weapon and map for up there. Knowing my boss, he would send me into some place that I’d be killed.
The strange symbol that's between the paragrahps, is the thing I want to use as a time spacer. I plan it to be a stone, but haven't gotten around the time to work that out.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Alright, now for the rest!
Question mark at the end of the dialogue. Also, I recommend rewording this sentence, but it's not entirely necessary.
Spelling error! Revealing*. Also, get rid of "my friend-" you've already esablished that Treska is his friend. Also, "the voice becoming more serious" makes me cringe. Reword it! The last bit of dialogue also needs a question mark, too.
Anyways? Anyway.
Also, one thing I missed: Passive Voice. "I'm going to need to go to (etc)" is a passive sentence. Get rid of "to need to go" and it'll be a lot better.
Get rid of "Ok." It's an abbreviation, plus it makes for weak sentences. Also, the second half of dialogue is rushed. A comma after "Let's see" would help. Interchange "up" and "things." And change "a table" to "the table."
A bit of action here would help. He picks the gun up, examines it, etc.
Back pants waistband? Change it to "the back of my pants' waistband" or something like that. Also, wrong "to." It should be two o's.
Spelling error! Resistance*. Put more action in here than just her shifting into human form. Like, she walks up to him and whispers it to him or something like that.
-St. Razorblade
hey ash!
Okay...you didn't describe a lot. You told, and didn't bring me into the story. You also jump right in. But with a little fixing, it'll be really good!
~Timea
I don't think another 'line by line' would help here. So! Here comes an overview!
. Describe, don't drone. I think this is because you're trying to give us a lot of information all at once without info dumping. The lack of info dumps is good, but it feels like you aren't very passionate about what you're writing because of it.
Droning
I do this a lot
Example:
Here I don't feel any emotion yet. It's too early in the story to make me care about the characters yet. So, don't make it hard for yourself and don't try
Maybe keeping the information about these intriquing people out of the story for a bit would build up suspense and hook the reader in too. Sounds like a bit of a double bonus here!
Pace
Woah! Slow down! I hardly get the hang of the first bit and then you've moved on to something else. Try to flesh out you work, with more vivid description and real characters to keep the pace slow. There's no real action yet, and you'll find it hard to increase the pace when there is.
Characters
I don't really get much of a feel for your characters. I LOVE the idea of the shapeshifters and their banishment, but I don't feel for your hero. Why does he take orders from that bossy man?
Example:
Why does he accept the mission? I want to know more about him. Characters are the things that make fiction alive. Use them well.
Shape shifting
And finally, the shape shifting itself. Does it hurt? Is it quick? Is it slow? WHat do they look like as they change? Consider reading something that does roughly the same thing 'Animorphs'. I seem to remember reading them (but I've no idea if they were any good) and they may have some tips you could learn from.
Altogether, you have an awesome idea. I love it. Really, I do. The whole idea of it is interesting, but you need to work on moving that to the story. Flesh it out a bit more and tell the reader the things they want to do. Then, you'll have something brilliant on your hands.
DarkLight
Show me, don't tell me!
You said "of the city" waaaaaaaaay too many times. Say it once, then don't say it again. Also, "building" should be plural. And you can combine the last two sentences.
Something about this paragraph makes me cringe. Is the woman behind the desk important at all? If not, off with her!
You seem to have an issue with repetitive prepositional phrases.
Again, show me, don't tell me.
Nix "then" at the beginning of the second sentence. You don't need the third sentence. Second bit of dialogue needs a question mark, not a period. And the other time you say "then," you don't need that either. Change the second "then" to "and." Pretty certain this is a typo, but get rid of the question marks after "joked."
Again, show me, don't tell me.
Eh, don't use these. Use a couple asterisks (*) or pluses (+) or dashes (-).
As in:
---
***
+++
Since you previously stated that your main character is working for the Gerskon Family, you don't need to say it here. I do like how you show more of how lowly your main is.
Change "better" to "harder." Better's really kind of inappropriate here.
Hmm... I think you should express surprise more in this. Get rid of yelled and use some other adjective. Shocked, startled, etc.
Spelling error alert! Envelope*.
The constant "as a wolf" thing is bothering me. Find a different way to express the fact that your main character has switched to wolf form.
Second sentence is not just a fragment, it's also poorly worded. Also, the third sentence is bothering me. But that's really just personal preference, I'm not a big fan of talking to the audience unless it's been established as something constant and not just occasional.
I like your ideas, and I like the concept of the animal people and their hierarchy of families. However, this seems a bit rushed and slowing it down for a more vivid picture would be a huge improvement. ^^
-St. Razorblade
P.S. I'll be sure and do the second half soon.
“Who is it,” came a voice from inside when I knocked at the door.
“It’s me,” I replied.
“Ok,” said the voice becoming more serious. The door opened reveling my friend Treska. “Come in quick.” She took a quick look down the streets and closed the door. “Well, you ready for the job.”
“Well, I’m going to need to go to the surface anyways. My boss gave me job to deliver a letter to a guy on the surface.”
“Ok, you’re going to need a gun then.” I nodded. “Let’s see a map, would also do you good. Oh and instructions.” She ran around the room picking up things and bringing them onto a table.
“Is a Yetkas going to be the best gun you can get me?”
“Yeah, sorry, running on low budget.” She picked up the map on the desk and brought it over. “So where does your boss plan on sending you?”
“To the Jerka District, in house two-five-six.”
“Well, it’s your luck the place is safe. We got a bar near there where one of the elevators leads to. The elevator is actually close, it’s about a few streets down.” She jumped and shifted to a cougar. She padded over to the bed and laid down. “Well, I think that’s everything.”
“Thanks, Treska, you’re a life saver,” I said picking up the gun and placing it in my back pants waistband. I picked up the instructions and pocketed them. “I’ll be sure to take care of this to.”
“Good, The Resistence is glad to have you,” she replied, shifting back to human form. “You only have one clip for that gun, so use it wisely.”I walked out the door, shifted to my wolf form, and ran to the elevator.
The rest of Ch1