I remember when I was bitten. Most of us try to forget that moment in our lives, but I haven’t. It stuck to me through these many years. The year was 1683 and it was a cold winter night in a small town outside of London which no longer exists. I was in my father’s bar after it was closed for the night scrubbing the tables with a not-too-clean rag when strange man wearing black clothing and scarf that covering his pale face. walked through the door. A rush of cold air followed him through the door and stung me like thousands of tiny needles piercing my skin. I got up quickly and shut to shut the door behind him when I felt a strong hand grab my arm. I turned to look at him and nearly feel over as his blood red eyes stared back at. “Help me,”
he whispered his voice barely just audible. With a shudder he collapsed to the floor in a heap at my feet with noisy thud. I backed away slowly until I felt my back touch the rough wall.
“Dad!” I shouted.
My father ran out through the door that led to our small kitchen and stopped when he saw the man lying collapsed on the floor. “What happened?” he asked in his soothing voice. His cool brown eyes stared at me with concern.
“He j-just came in and c-collapsed,” I stammered.
“Is that it?”
“N-no, he said, ‘Help me.’ Is he dead?”
My father walked over to the man, knelt down, and checked his pulse. “He’s still alive,” he said. “I need you to run over to Tom’s house. Explain the situation to him and help him bring whatever he needs. You hear me?” I nodded weakly, grabbed my coat, and ran out the door.
My breath came in short quick gasps as the cold air burned my lungs. Everyone in the town was sleeping so I had nothing to hinder my movements, but my sight was limited and I kept running into things and stubbing my toes hidden objects on the grounds. I quickly made my way to Tom’s house on the other side of the town. It was separate from the other houses and much larger to accommodate the many people that came in with sickness during the winter. I ran to front door and started pounding as loud as I could. A dog howled in the house and then someone stomped down the steps. The door slammed open and an elderly man with graying hair stood in front of me. “What is it, dammit?” he shouted. I explained the situation as quickly as I could and begged him to come quickly. He ran inside and emerged moments later with his medical briefcase, thick winter jacket, and a pair of boots. “Quickly, boy,” he said and took off in the direction of the bar.
Tom threw open the door without knocking when we arrived at the bar and sat his medical bags on the table I was scrubbing before the strange man arrived. As the bag made a loud thud as it hit the table the man jerked up from unconsciousness, sitting straight up. His eyes shining golden-brown. “Run,” he whispered. He doubled over in pain and let out what sounded like a growl.
The door slammed behind me and I turned to see that Tom wasn’t there anymore. I heard a snarl behind me and looked to see that the man had sprouted hair all over his body. I nearly fell over in shock as I saw his mouth form into a muzzle, his legs shaping into paws, and a tail growing out of his back-side. At the instant I realized that this man was a Werewolf.
With the last snap of a joint popping into place the Werewolf stood up. He was a gray wolf the size of a horse. He locked eyes with my father and snarled. With a leap he landed on my father and tore out his throat. I fell over and watched in shock as blood gushed from my father’s wound. The turned to my with a bloody muzzle and growled. He leaped and as his paws hit my shoulders the world went black.
Hey! Not too bad. Just a few things thta i noticed, but most of them have been covered by the others already so i don't need to go over them again. Just try to add a bit more emotion and feeling to it. instead of just saying it leapt to his father and tore his throat out try saying something thta puts more horror into it. Just my opinion though. Kep working on this piece though. I am looking forward to seeing teh rest of it. 
good job! looks like everyone already got everything haha.
I just noticed the last sentence.
The turned to my with a bloody muzzle and growled. He leaped and as his paws hit my shoulders the world went black.
Okay as ordered (is this the wrong story?If so I'll do another just PM my the link)
*You owe me a review*
This story was intense and very well done, so if I seem harsh it is because I want to help you make it seem even better. Ok let's hop to it:
I remember when I was bitten. Most of us try to forget that moment in our lives, but I haven’t. It stuck to me through these many years. The year was 1683 and it was a cold winter night in a small town outside of London which no longer exists. I was in my father’s bar after it was closed for the night scrubbing the tables with a not-too-clean rag when strange man wearing black clothing and scarf that covering his pale face. (Coma Here)walked through the door. A rush of cold air followed him through the door and stung me like thousands of tiny needles piercing my skin. I got up quickly and shut to shut the door behind him when I felt a strong hand grab my arm. I turned to look at him and nearly feel over as his blood red eyes stared back at. “Help me,”
he whispered his voice barely just audible(Try Just barely audible). With a shudder he collapsed to the floor in a heap at my feet with noisy thud. I backed away slowly until I felt my back touch the rough wall.
“Dad!” I shouted.
My father ran out through the door that led to our small kitchen and stopped when he saw the man lying collapsed on the floor. “What happened?” he asked in his soothing voice. His cool brown eyes stared at me with concern. (I don't think the father would be cocerned for the boy, he'd be more concerned for the man)
“He j-just came in and c-collapsed,” I stammered.
“Is that it?”
“N-no, he said, ‘Help me.’ Is he dead?”
My father walked over to the man, knelt down, and checked his pulse. “He’s still alive,” he said. “I need you to run over to Tom’s house. Explain the situation to him and help him bring whatever he needs. You hear me?” I nodded weakly, grabbed my coat, and ran out the door.
My breath came in short quick gasps as the cold air burned my lungs. Everyone in the town was sleeping so I had nothing to hinder my movements, but my sight was limited and I kept running into things and stubbing my toes hidden objects on the grounds. I quickly made my way to Tom’s house on the other side of the town. It was separate from the other houses and much larger to accommodate the many people that came in with sickness during the winter. I ran to front door and started pounding as loud as I could. A dog howled in the house and then someone stomped down the steps. The door slammed open and an elderly man with graying hair stood in front of me. “What is it, dammit?” he shouted. I explained the situation as quickly as I could and begged him to come quickly. He ran inside and emerged moments later with his medical briefcase, thick winter jacket, and a pair of boots. “Quickly, boy,” he said and took off in the direction of the bar.
Tom threw open the door without knocking when we arrived at the bar and sat his medical bags on the table I was scrubbing before the strange man arrived. As (Cut out the 'as')the bag made a loud thud as it hit the table the man jerked up from unconsciousness, sitting straight up. His eyes shining golden-brown. “Run,” he whispered. He doubled over in pain and let out what sounded like a growl.
The door slammed behind me and I turned to see that Tom wasn’t there anymore. I heard a snarl behind me and looked to see that the man had sprouted hair all over his body. I nearly fell over in shock as I saw his mouth form into a muzzle, his legs shaping into paws, and a tail growing out of his back-side. At the instant I realized that this man was a Werewolf.
With the last snap of a joint popping into place the Werewolf stood up. He was a gray wolf the size of a horse. He locked eyes with my father and snarled. With a leap he landed on my father and tore out his throat. I fell over and watched in shock as blood gushed from my father’s wound. The turned to my with a bloody muzzle and growled. He leaped and as his paws hit my shoulders the world went black.
Hi.
Just another reporter on your fantastic story. I have to say that I greatly enjoyed it and I would love if you could PM when you have more finished.
Okay, here are the nitpicks!
he whispered his voice barely just audible.
I got up quickly and shut to shut the door behind him when I felt a strong hand grab my arm.
My father ran out through the door that led to our small kitchen and stopped when he saw the man lying collapsed on the floor.
His eyes shining golden-brown. “Run,” he whispered.
Hey Lethero! I really enjoyed reading this, and not just because it was a nice readable length! Thanks for not making it too long lol. There are just a few grammar/typing errors that you can easily sort out just by reading it through a couple of times. I get that quite a lot - I've scanned it, thought "Yep that's cool" then posted it, only to find that there are some really big mistakes. Oops. Anyway, I just want to point out a few that I'm not entirely sure have already being highlighted:
I was in my father’s bar after it was closed for the night scrubbing the tables with a not-too-clean rag when strange man wearing black clothing and scarf that covering his pale face. walked through the door.
My father ran out through the door that led to our small kitchen and stopped when he saw the man lying collapsed on the floor. “What happened?” he asked in his soothing voice.
...but my sight was limited and I kept running into things and stubbing my toes hidden objects on the grounds.
Hiya!
It was really good. I found it very interesting, and your writing style is very lucid. You could add a little more description though, to balance out the action. And there were some grammar problems, but they've already been pointed out.
Keep writing!
Hey dude, Stella here!
I. NITPICKS
The year was 1683
when strange man wearing black clothing and scarf that covering his pale face. walked through the door.
nearly feel over
as his blood red eyes stared back at.
“Help me,”
he whispered
I ran to front door
the table I was scrubbing before the strange man arrived.
At the instant I realized that this man was a Werewolf.
First thing I'd like to point out is that the paragraph breaks are off. For instance:
I turned to look at him and nearly feel over as his blood red eyes stared back at. “Help me,”
he whispered his voice barely just audible. With a shudder he collapsed to the floor in a heap at my feet with noisy thud.
I turned to look at him and nearly feel over as his blood red eyes stared back at.
“Help me,” he whispered his voice barely just audible. With a shudder he collapsed to the floor in a heap at my feet with noisy thud.
It stuck to me through these many years.
covering his pale face. walked
I got up quickly and shut to shut the door
I felt a strong hand grab my arm.
[...]
“Help me,” he whispered his voice barely just audible. With a shudder he collapsed to the floor in a heap at my feet with noisy thud.
stubbing my toes hidden objects on the grounds
He ran inside and emerged moments later with his medical briefcase, thick winter jacket
“Run,” he whispered.
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