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Young Writers Society



Dragon Fire Remake

by Lethero


I've been redoing a lot of my stories and can never find one to stick to. Well, here is one of my oldest stories that I've been meaning to do.

In the early morning hours, with the smell of saltwater in the air Nasaru was shaken awake by his father Gano. “Wah!” said Nasaru.

“Wake up son we need to get out to the water before the other fisherman.” replied his father, “Grab the nets and some food.”

When Nasaru got up looked outside and saw his beautiful home Island of Najo in the Kingdom Kano. Then he went his father’s small storage shack and gathered the nets he and his father use to catch their living, fish. And then went into the house and gathered some food for him and his father’s long day out on the boat.

“Got all the nets,” his father asked, “And a days of food provisions?”

“Yes” replied Nasaru. When they left the house, they started out for the dock where their fishing boat was stored.

When they arrived fishermen were already there loading up the boats.

“Hurry up and load the boat. We need to get out there so none of the good fishing spots are taken.” said Gano.

“Yes, father.” replied Nasaru.

After a few minutes he and his father loaded the boat and started heading out.

A few boats were already out but they managed to get a decent spot. They threw out the net into the water and as they were pulling net out of the water Nasaru looked into the water and saw a young boy looking back almost sixteen with deep blue eyes, brown hair, and physic of a fisherman. “C’mon boy I can’t get this net in by myself.” said his Gano.

And remembering his work Nasaru and started helping his father bring the net.

After a moment of thought knowing it seemed out of place at the time Nasaru asked his father, “What happened to mother?”

“She...she,” his father started trying to find the right words, “died when you were young. You look like her though with your hair and eyes, but you have my great physic.” he half joked, “Now, no more dwelling on the past and get back to work so we can get some money.”

That was always what his father said how his mother died but wasn’t always sure his father was telling the truth. So in years he kept pressing his father for the real information but always got the same reply. He knew is father will eventually tell him with his manhood so near.

After long hours at sea, bringing in lots fish Nasaru and his father were done and they started heading back to the island. When they were close to the docks they saw merchants that were waiting to buy what goods they could from any fisherman that returned.

When they reached the dock a merchant ran up to them. The merchant was old with what looked like an expensive looking robe, a long white beard that hung down to his chest, but upon his there was no hair. Looked inside their boat and said,

“Nice hale you brought in.” he said, “Me name be Borkim and who would ye be?”

“My name be Gano and this here is my son Nasaru.” replied Gano.

“Nice to meet you lad.” said Borkim directly and Nasaru.

“Nice to meet you also sir.” replied Nasaru.

“Enough with introductions.” said Nasaru father, “Are you here to do business or engage in friendly talk. If that be the case then we need get home.”

“Oh yes....” replied Borkim and he and Gano got to business of selling the catch, Nasaru sat watching the other fisherman come into the dock.

When Borkim and his father finally reached an agreement Borkim motion to a few men, gave them their orders and they took four of the largest trout Nasaru and his father caught and he gave them two hundred sheins from him.

“Come son.” ordered his father and they went home.

When his father pocketed the money Nasaru and his father loaded up the rest of the fish and started out for their small one story house. They started skinning and salting the fish before they put it in the smokehouse. In that time little was spoken.

“What a nice catch we made today.” complemented Nasaru, “I can’t wait till we get into town and sell what we can.”

“Yes son,” replied his father, “and we also need to get some more rope to repair that net you snagged.” said Gano in a kind of disappointed way. When Nasaru’s father said that he started to blush a little.

After about half an hour planning on what to get in town Nasaru’s father said, “Time for someone to get himself washed an into bed we got a busy day tomorrow.” After washing himself Nasaru climbed into bed and blew out his candles and laid down and went to sleep.

Chapter 2

The Capture

When Nasaru woke up by the light shining in his room he left it and went to the eating area. “Sleep good last night?” asked Gano.

“Yes. Replied Nasaru, “When we leaving for the market today?”

“When you eat and we get everything ready.” replied Gano. When Nasaru finished his oats he went out to the smokehouse and took out some of the fish they caught to sell and went to the shed to see if they needed anything else.

When they got to town Nasaru was surprised when his father handed him some sheins, “Here take ten sheins and get some sweets or something nice will I go through the market and sell some of the fish and get what we need for the next few months.” said Gano.

With a look of amazement Nasaru took the sheins and said, “Thanks!” and ran into the crowded market.

While in town Nasaru spent half of his sheins to buy a honey comb, which is rare on his island since they had no bees. Then he met some of his friends.

“So, how you and your father holding-up out there in that tiny shack of yours?” said one of his friend, Kimo.

“Fine,” replied Nasaru. “Me father is probably in the market getting some food for the upcoming month.”

“Ah, that’s a woman’s job.” replied his other friend, Sarrow.

“Shut up,” said Kimo in a urgent whisper. “You know he ain’t got no mother.”

“Ah, it’s okay don’t remember her any ways,” replied Nasaru. “I don’t even know what it’s like to have one any way.”

“Hey any one want to go visit Haso the Smith?” asked Sarrow.

“Sure” replied Kimo and Nasaru. So the made their way to the smith in the center of town. It wasn’t a big house, but it had enough room to hold a forge and a living quarter. Haso had no kids but Nasaru and his friend liked got over there and see if Haso will try his newly forged stuff.

When they reached Haso’s smith they didn’t here the usual pounding of hammer on hot metals or the hiss of hot metals touching cold water. They stepped near the door and Kimo called out. But there was no answer.

They looked at each other with worried expressions on their faces. “Do you think he’s sick?” asked Nasaru

“That tough old horse nah, he couldn’t be,” said Kimo.

“I remember when he broke his arm, but he still kept on working against the healers request,” remarked Sarrow.

“Want to go in see if he’s alright?” Asked Kimo.

“Yes.” the other two replied.

When they entered the house and found it in ruins. The fire in the forge was out, hammers scattered on the floor, anvils knocked over, some of the stuff he made strewn on the floor bent and some badly chipped. And there on the only table not knocked over was a paper with the seal of the king.

Nasaru picked it up and read:

“By order of the great and only king of the great Kingdom Kano, Sherako. Has ordered of the imprisonment of Mister Haso Jova for high treason against the his kingdom. He shall be judged by the one and only king and be sentenced to death or prison.

Officer of the Tera,

Sir Faro Nako

Ordered by the one and only King,

Sherako the Second”

“Why would they arrest Mr. Haso, he couldn’t commit treason even if he tried,” remarked Kimo. “He’s just a smith, he has no reason to do treason.”

“Maybe the king go the wrong man,” Said Sarrow, “and he’ll be back tomorrow good as new telling us what the king’s palace is like.”

“Way, maybe.” replied Nasaru. “I should go find me father. He should be almost done.” Both his friends said bye and he left the destroyed smithy.

Nasaru found his father on the road leading out of town. When he reached his father Nasaru said, “Haso the Smith was taken away by the king for some kind of treason.”

When Nasaru said that his father had a worried look and asked, “Are you sure it’s treason son and not taxes or thief?”

“Yes,” replied Nasaru with a quizzical look and added, “It said by order of the king for imprisonment Mister Haso Javo for high treason against the king. What sort of treason could Haso commit?”

“I d-don’t know son,” replied Gano, “I just don’t know.” But Nasaru knew his father was lying.


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Mon Dec 24, 2007 3:35 am
Dreami wrote a review...



“Wah!” said Nasaru.


Don't use "Wah!" It sounds immature and childish. Change 'said' to something more exciting and change what he says. Maybe 'moaned' or 'whined' or... you get the idea.

“Wake up son we need to get out to the water before the other fisherman.” replied his father, “Grab the nets and some food.”


"Wake up, son, we need to [...]

When Nasaru got up looked outside and saw his beautiful home Island of Najo in the Kingdom Kano.


Fragment. Change to something like:

When Nasaru got up, he looked outside his windo and saw his beautiful home [...]

Then he went his father’s small storage shack and gathered the nets he and his father use to catch their living, fish. And then went into the house and gathered some food for him and his father’s long day out on the boat.


And then... and then... get more exciting words overall.

“Got all the nets,” his father asked, “And a days of food provisions?”


"Got all the nets?" his father asked.

Also. Either change to:

"And a day's worth of food and provisions?"

or

"And several days worth of food and provisions?"

When they arrived fishermen were already there loading up the boats.


When they arrive, [...]

“Yes, father.” replied Nasaru.


That's twice that he's said replied now to his father.

After a few minutes he and his father loaded the boat and started heading out.


After a few minutes, [...]

A few boats were already out but they managed to get a decent spot.

A few boats were already out, [...]

They threw out the net into the water and as they were pulling net out of the water Nasaru looked into the water and saw a young boy looking back almost sixteen with deep blue eyes, brown hair, and physic of a fisherman.


Run-On.

Also, I didn't get the second half of that sentance. And I don't think 'physic' is the right word.

“C’mon boy I can’t get this net in by myself.” said his Gano.


"C'mon boy, I can't [...] said his father. [Or said Gano. Not his Gano.]

And remembering his work Nasaru and started helping his father bring the net.


Starting sentances with and is no-no. Also, comma between work and Nasaru. Also, remove the second and.

You get the idea. I can't edit this all. Sorry, I want to review, not have to proofread. I can understand a few mistakes, but really, learn how to use commas. And most importantly, show, don't tell.





But what about second breakfast?
— Peregrin Took