They just wont fall.

Salutations.

This short story certainly has potential, and with a little more hard work, it can become a fantastic piece of writing! By saying that I don't mean it isn't good, because it is, but it isn't great, which is something both you and I want.

The best way to improve your short story is to understand what a short story is; it is not a miniature novel or just a short story - it has many other aspects as well. Of these, brevity is undoubtedly the most important: only include what is necessary and what contributes to the overall impression of the short story. There are literally books written on the topic, so I cannot possibly explain all of that here, so instead, I shall review your short story bit by bit and then overall.



It takes a while for me to wake up.

Whether you are writing a novel, an essay, or an article, your first sentence must be striking. The title is what draws the reader's attention, but the first sentence is what must convince him or her to continue reading. In this case, the first sentence is lacklustre.

Also, stories are written in past tense. Why? Because you are telling a story - the events have already taken place. Many amateur authors write in the present tense, but that could only be correct if the events are happening at the very same moment the reader is reading it. Hence, the present tense in dialogue = correct; the present tense in narration = incorrect. You use the present tense throughout your short story, so I suggest you rewrite it in the past tense.

Unfurling by eyelids...

I understand you were trying to be creative when you wrote this, but it sounds horribly awkward, so I advise you change it. Also, you wrote by instead of my.

I shut my eyes and keep them closed for a long time.

Writing this two sentences after stating the protagonist has woken is odd, as well as the way in which you wrote it.

My brain gathers strength, and I peel my eyes open again...

Umm... how to put it...? This doesn't read well, unless her eyes are bananas.

My eyes focus for a second.

In three consecutive sentences you wrote "my eyes". It gets tiring quickly.

Her prominent cheekbones poke out in the dim lights as the only familiar thing I can see.

This sentence's structure is awkward. Also...
~ How is someone's cheekbones so prominent that they actually poke out?
~ When you say the light of an area is dim, you do not refer to the light in the plural.
~ Would you recognise your best friend by his/her cheekbones alone?

I try shifting, and notice I can't.

I often place my ands after commas as well, but in this case, the comma disrupts the flow of the sentence and serves no purpose.

I get a pins-and-needles feeling as I try to figure out why it's hard to move.

"Pins-and-needles" automatically refer to the feeling - the phrase has no other meaning.

Someone has honest-to-God hogtied Mariana and I, and thrown us in the back of a van.

I have a few problems with this sentence.
~ Firstly, the underlined text serves the same purpose as a swear word - in both cases, it is used to convey emotion, but in such a crude fashion that it is unpleasant to encounter it in a piece of writing. In fact, it would have shown far more skill if the author of said text had written something impressive. What makes it even worse is that here, it is redundant; placing "hogtied" in italics communicates the same emotion, but in a more sophisticated way.
~ Secondly, the I you used in "Mariana and I" needs to reflect its function in your sentence. It does not, because the correct pronoun is me.
~ Finally, the comma in your sentence is yet again redundant.


It is worrying that I have flared so many errors in your first paragraph alone, so grammatically- and stylistically-wise, you have quite a lot of revising to do. Hence forth, I shall only point out the most significant errors.


With effort, I stare into the gloom in the back of my head and try to concentrate.

I realise you meant the meaning of this sentence to be partly physical, but also partly metaphorical, but it results in a very odd, disturbing sentence; you can only stare into the back of your head if your eyes can rotate one hundred and eighty degrees and if your head is hollow.

"Ooh, look! One of 'em's awake!" He sneers.

If the text following the dialogue refers directly back to said dialogue, e.g. "he said", "she asked", "they shouted", then the first word is NOT capitalised - the only time it is capitalised, is if it does not indicate how the person spoke, e.g. "He turned to face her". Here are three examples to illustrate my point:
~ "You pig!" she shouted.
~ "You pig!" She turned around and stalked off.
~ "You pig!" she shouted and slapped him.

It takes several pokes with my elbows to yank her back to consciousness.

In this case, you can say takes several pokes and yank her back is related, context-wise. Grammar-wise, they are certainly not, since you cannot yank someone back to consciousness by poking them.

Why am I not crying?

We both know that if you want to place emphasis on a particular word, you place it in italics. When you are already writing in italics because the text is a thought or the words of a telepathic conversation, you do not emphasise the word by placing it in bold, but by removing the italics from it, i.e. writing it normally.

1. The window to the front of the van is still open.

2. Mariana has freed her fingers the tiniest bit in her struggling.

3. There is a padlocked translucent case of power tools and knives hanging from the wall. (I shouldn't think about what they are for. Stop thinking about it, stop thinking about it, stop thinking about it...)

4. We are speeding up, so we must be going towards a bigger road. Police patrol on big roads.

You may not use a numbered list in any form of prose unless the character is writing a letter; you write it out.

They found the right files in their records as soon as the killers were brought in...

Whoa, you cannot simply mention the two kidnappers being killers when there is literally no other reference of a murder having been committed.

Then someone touched the right nerve in the interrogations (I may have anonymously sent a tip), and the killers sang like songbirds.

You say "the right nerve" was touched, but you give no further explanation why it was the right one, or even what it is. In a short story you should leave things out, but only unnecessary things.

And what happened to Mariana and I? We made a pact never to accept a drink at a party again.

These are actually the best sentences in your whole short story, not because they are the last two, but because of how striking and effective they are.


In a short story, there is usually a main aspect on which there is focussed. In this case, I would say it is the events which take place before, after and during the short story. Since we have established that, let's see how you succeeded and how you can improve.

Quite simply, your short story is simply too short to provide a satisfactory read. For example, you skipped what happened after the protagonist remembered her friend could pick locks and before the policeman came upon the car. Why?! That part was the most ideal opportunity for you to show us what a great writer you are, yet you left it out completely. What did the girls experience while they were trying to get loose? Fear? Anxiety? Hope? All of these? Now, we'll never know. It's as if you had decided the short story isn't worth any more effort, but if that was indeed the case, how can you expect the reader to make the effort to read and review your short story?

Other aspects of your short story are mediocre as well, but at least your theme is great. You wanted to capture the essence of such a traumatic and dangerous experience, and you have done so excellently. You have once again reminded the reader of the dangers the "real world" poses, and hopefully they will keep this in mind in future.

Overall, your short story is lacking in certain aspects, but your theme makes it worth the read. This story has so much potential, all you need to do now is harness it and use your heart and soul in your writing.

My main nitpicks are:
-Capitalization of i
-Apostrophes (she's) versus (shes)

Other than that, I liked the use of language to portray emotion and overall I find this to be a touching piece.

Also, props for using "profusely". I love that word. Your part about faking happiness so people don't see your depression is a very real experience. Overall, there is a brooding mood to this piece that I really enjoy.

Keep on writing.

I so feel for you!!!!! I'm really sorry that happened to your Grandma, and I have felt your pain. I was fortunate enough to know one-and-a-half sets of my great-grandparents, and Papa, on my mom's side, was my favorite. It seriously sucked when he got stomach cancer and died. Sometimes I still cry when I think of the last time I talked to him. When I was five years old I had jumped onto his lap and he'd grunted a bit and Mormor said his stomach had been hurting for a while. I didn't understand then. I just thought it was a stomachache. It's a sad experience when a loved one dies. I'm sorry you had to experience it like I did, but you did differently than I did. You held in the tears. I didn't. I didn't understand when they put his ashes in the ground. The box looked like a steak for some reason. I'm not sure why I remember that. I'm glad and sad that I'm not the only one out there that knows what it feels like when someone you love dies.