Inspired by Beautidul Creatures
I stood in the middle of the storm, wind whipping the tattered ends of my dress furiously around me, the dark fabric lashing out like a snake. My hands were stretched out in front of me, palms facing out. I was breathless, frozen in time, but the clock tower still ticked.
I had seven minutes until midnight, when everything would be lost.
We can change it! I heard Ryan's voice in the back of my mind. Where was he?
No, I replied. We can't. This is how it all ends. It's been this way for centuries, Ryan.
I saw his figure appear at the edge of the wind barrier. How did he get through? Nevermind, he was here, and he shouldn't be.
Six minutes.
You have to go, Ryan! I shouted to him in my mind.
I can't I can't let you go like this, Sarah! It can't end this way!
It has to! I felt the tears crawl down my cheeks. He didn't understand my world, just as I didn't understand his.
Sarah, you're not powerless! You can fix this!
Yes I am! What am I supposed to do, Ryan!? There is no spell to reverse or stop the Claiming! Not even in the Book of Moons! The winds were picking up.
Five minutes.
I saw him walking toward me out of the corner of my eye.
Don't get any closer! You could get hurt! He continued forward. How stubborn could a person be?
I don't care. I can't let you do this, Sarah. More tears ran down my face.
Four minutes.
Get out of here! Mortals don't belong here! I managed to turn my head towards him, whcih didn't help at all. He saw I was crying. He broke into a run, clearing the distance between us in about two or three seconds. His hair was windblown, his shirt torn like my dress. He reached out his hand as he neared me.
Ryan! Don't-- His hand touched my arm.
There was a pop, a rumble, and everything went black
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,856 Reviews
That was really good I want to read more of it!
I only saw one mistake. That was the word "which" spelled incorrectly.
The only question I have is: Where are they? I was kinda scared about what will happen in four minutes!
I really like the imagery in this :O
I thought this was going to be some sappy romance prologue but it was actually kinda cool :O the whole action/tension type of thing and the fact that it was soo short added to the tension.
Can't wait to read more xD
#FF0000 ">Over all, it was really, really good, with only a few tiny little errors. Keep writing!!
Sierra
Whoa. this is actually quite interesting.
grammar is in #BF4000 ">red.
I am just confused about a few things.
*Is the whole conversation going on in their minds?
Because that is the idea i get from the story so far. Not that this is bad, but it sort of confuses me how all of this seems to be going on and the main character isn't saying anything at all.
Not just there, but throughout the prologue the sentences seem to be getting longer. I don't really think that people think to each other in long sentences when there is a sense of urgency involved.
I think it would be better if you shortened the sentences. Specifically those in the thoughts.
Other than that,
It's really good!
Keep writing!
--------------------
-jojo.
Hello Lena and welcome to YWS! I'm Porc/HP and I'll be your reviewer today! I just came back after a long hiatus though, so I may be a little rusty. I really liked this! When I saw that it was posted in Romantic Novels, I had my doubts, but this had some suspense and action in it! Okay, so on to the meat and taters of this review:
Okay, so a cool thing I noticed is how you have different lengths of sentences. At the beginning, everything seems to be going well and your long sentences and descriptions sort of give the feeling of surreality. Then when you start using the shorter, choppier sentences everything starts to seem more chaotic. This effect worked really well because it makes the reader think "Who is this guy? Why does he matter so much? How come he affects her like that?" This makes people want to read more of the story so that they can figure out what the heck is going on.
Really the only nitpick I have is this:
Don't worry about that though, it happens to everybody! Some, meaning me, more than others.
Keep writing!
~HP~
**Edited for clarity.**
Hello there.
So this is inspired by Beautiful Creatures? I didn't read the book, but I have one advice. Don't write the same story... Or don't have the same base. I don't know if in the book the girl turns into something when she's sixteen, just like your story, or whatever...? But change the facts in there. Change the names, the characters, the plot. If you don't, put this in fan fiction. Like I said before, I didn't read the book, so I can't tell you exactly what to change or even if it's a similar story. But it's technically not your novel when you're using somebody else ideas. I'm just warning you.
I'm looking forward to reading more. You can PM me when there's more. Keep writing!
-Other One