Young Writers Society

Incandescence wrote:I once shrugged from his touch, flinching
as his moist breath hit my skin. Few words lingered
in my throat as my bones turned to cinder
and his fingertips became as snow against my skin.

I liked how the sentences/phrases didn't begin and end with the lines; for me, it gave the effect of the lines not really breaking up at all.

Incandescence wrote:Then I wondered why our rain had strayed so long,
why things were budding and yet a sense of dullness
draped us. It was February's way of saying,
mind your own damn business.

I was confused in this stanza; did you mean "strayed" or "stayed" in the first line? If you meant strayed, I wasn't sure where it would refer the rain to be straying to. The first time I read through, the "our rain" phrase tripped me because I didn't know who "our" would be referring to. When I read it a second time, I wondered if it refered to a group of people, such as in a town or a state, felt entitled to the rain they were deprived of, but after all that thinking, I'm unclear as to the ultimate meaning (and it would be just my luck to concentrate on something that could turn out to be not so pivitol)

Incandescence wrote:I didn’t dream the world would take such liberties.
The sky turning red, or green, waiting to snow, to muster up
the courage to let it all go, to understand that leaving
means you can’t look back.

I liked the internal rhyme of "snow" and "go". That made it seem as if the climax is coming, especially when the sentence doesn't end after that phrase, but continues into another idea.

Incandescence wrote:Flurries like a bridal waltz,
fluid and optimistic yet scared of descent, of what comes
next, of the way large fabrics have the most loose ends,
of the way his eyes that promise most promise the most
destruction.

Eh... I liked it, I felt like I should be waltzing, actually, until the last two lines. To me, "of the way his eyes that promise most promise the most destruction" didn't mean a whole lot to me; it just sounded like you were throwing words in, and doesn't make too much sense gramatically, even if you factor in poetic license. Is one half of that a typo?

Incandescence wrote:The sky is a fault line in a land of dams, a net
waiting to unravel, to release a million little fictions,
so I hold to the very potential that bodes to let it all go,
and I know in his storm to escape, like hail,
I will fall hard and fast to the ground.

The word "a" is used alot in the first two lines, and it drew my mind away from what was happening in the rest of the poem. Also, in the next to last line, did you mean "his storm" or "this storm"?

Incandescence wrote:But there are worse things than being kept from sleep
by the sound of couples' laughter, and now I clamor for his wrists
against my back and his fingers nearer mine because,
surely, there is nothing worse than wishing
for a kiss goodbye.

I like how you used "wrists" instead of something more generic, like hands, or cheek, because it made me pay attention more to what was happening. I also like how visually, the lines began to taper off, as if said wish is dying a slow and painful death. I don't see why you chose a comma for the middle of the second line instead of a period because it connects two completely different ideas, but to me, doesn't seem to unify them any further.

Honestly, I don't really understand how the middle section relates to the begining and end, but I do like the way it all reads. PM me if you have any questions

-Amelia