“What the h-”
“Oh my god! I am so sorry. I didn’t watch where I was going. I was thinking about something that was totally irrelevant.”
“You got that right,” she muttered, wiping her blouse with a small napkin.
“I’ll help you.” I said and grab a bunch of napkins and wiped the stain. But that just made the stain even bigger.
“Please, just s-stop it’s not working. You’re just making it more worse.”
I stopped wiping and toss the used napkin over me.
“What the hell? I didn’t ask for a napkin in my coffee.” Some guy said behind me.
Oh shit. Oh shit. She’s not going to hit me with that rolled up magazine she has under her arm is she?
“Is there anything I can do? To make up that blouse?” She stopped adjusting her blouse - I mean come on, there’s enough view for everyone to look - and paused for a moment.
Cue the Jeopardy theme.
With a smile she said, “Actually yes. How would you like to work as my intern and assistant of Love & Glamour Magazine?”
I gave her a big cheesy grin. “Really?!”
“Of course, you seem like a very honest and reasonable person.”
“Oh! I would love to work for you, Mrs. Garcia!”
“Miss Garcia, darling.” What the hell happened to Mister Garcia? She smiled again, “Wonderful, you start tomorrow. You do know where the building is located right?”
“Of course, right next to Lenox Mall, Miss Garcia.” I winked at her.
“Au revoir.”
“Au revoir Miss Garcia.” My life is complete. I get a job that every girl would die over at Love & Glamour Magazine. Eeeek! I can’t wait to tell my friends…oh wait,,.half of them are in college and the others are at home with their baby daddy.
Hmph. …..What am I doing here not going to college? Oh well I’ve always wondered that myself. Haha. College is not for me. I do not have a skill in cooking, becoming a doctor, scientist, or the president of the United States. Uh-uh. Nada.
“Hey lady,” Someone called from behind.
“Yea?” I ask, turning around.
“Are you gonna move or what so I can get to my seat?” A guy about fifteen ask.
“Oh,” I snorted, “I’m sorry. Here let me move oh and I’ll help you carry your drink.”
“Thanks,” He said with a smirk. I took the cap off and made a water fall all over the seat.
“What the-”
“You’re welcome. Ass.” I muttered the last part as I stepped outside. I got into my crappy truck again and started the engine.
“You know,” I said to myself as I drove to the mall, “Bella’s friggin’ truck is in a better condition than my truck.”
By the time I got to the parking lot of the mall, it was full.
“What the hell? It’s Monday! There aren’t suppose to be full of cars.” I sighed and parked in the spot that I saw first. As I turned off my engine I checked myself in the rearview mirror. Nothing’s changed much, except that spot of coffee on my cheek. I carelessly wiped that off with a smudge of my fingers and stepped out, locking my car.
As I started to walk to the entrance, a car was backing up too quick and skid to a stop. I gasp and jumped back.
The window rolled down giving me a view of a handsome David Beckham look alike face. “Hey,” He started to say. Yes, I accept your apology and may I marry you?
“Can you watch where you’re going next time?” Well then. $&#* you! I gave him a tight smile. “Of course, if there was a next time since you almost hit me!” I shot back.
Another window rolled down and out popped a life sized Barbie.
“Seriously, you should agree with that. Or you just need glasses hun.” She giggled and ducked her head inside.
Biiiitch. I don’t need glasses. I broke too many pairs.
“You’re lucky I didn’t charge you for reckless driving and that little miss Barbie was giving you a hand job and you were too distracted by that.” I swift turn my head straight and walk stiff and fast to the entrance of Southlake Mall.
What a great Monday morning to start. First, I rejected Mike’s date, spilled coffee on Miss Garcia, and just got into a steam argument with David Beckham’s possible twin. But on the bright side, I have a job!…..that really doesn’t pay…..oh well. I have a job.
I entered the mall, with the merry go round spinning on my left, and cold air conditioned. Hello, KnowStyle. Here I come.
Line
“Miss, you’ve been in there for a long time. Are you okay?” One of the employee ask me from behind the fitting room door.
“Yes, I’m fine.” I said, and took a picture of me wearing their clothes. Hey, I’m choosing what to wear tomorrow. I sat on the bench and flipped through which outfit looked good on me and picked one.
I changed back to my clothes and gathered the clothes I didn’t want while opening the door. The employee was standing right there.
“Oh, these are the ones that I didn’t like.” I said, handing her the mountain pile of clothes to her. She staggered a bit but regain balance and looked at me over the pile.
“Did you find anything that you like?”
“Actually, yes,” I smiled and walked to the checkout line. After buying the outfit that I was sure would look cute on me and impress Miss Garcia, I walked over to the food court to buy me a blizzard. I sat down with a nice cup of oreo blizzard and starting nomming.
“Excuse me miss?” I sighed and turned around.
Oh my god, A Tim Gunn look alike!
“Yes?” I answered slowly.
“Hi, I’m Jason Poole and I’m from Ford Models. I was wondering if you like to be a model? I mean, your complexion and body is perfect for photo shoot and runway.”
Seriously? My body is digesting a cup of blizzard.
“Well is there a card that you have so I can contact you later on today?”
“Of course,” said Jason as he pulled a white card from his inside pocket to me. I plucked it out of his fingers with a smile.
“Call me no later than nine.”
“Nice meeting you.” I put the card in my wallet as a small reminder. I checked my watch to see that I still have a half hour of shopping until my relaxing in the tub time. Yay, more shopping and taking pictures.
I got up from my chair and dumped the half eaten blizzard cup into the trash and walked into the nearest store I saw. Which was JC Penny, and it seems as if it’s try makeup day.
“Hello miss, would you like to try Victoria’s Secret Angels new perfume?”
“Um no, thanks, I’m allergic to feathers.”
“Try our new Mac fix foundation.”
“No, thank you though.”
“Would you like to have your eyebrows threaded? Or I can give you a clean.”
“I like my fuzzy eyebrow, thank you very much.”
“Would you like to try this?” “Smell this.” “Try this?” “Buy this?” I went from walking to power walking.
“Got…to…get…out…of…Barbie’s….makeup….dream….house!” I panted. I ended up going to what it seems like something that just came out of a Home magazine. Beds, comforters, curtains, plates were everywhere.
“Welcome, may I help you with anything?”
“No! What is with you people asking me for help? I mean, it’s not a 911 emergency. I’m just looking around, you don’t need to follow me like a shark with it’s prey. You people get on my nerves.”
She blinked and stepped back a little.
“I’m sorry it’s just…I just got out of a Barbie makeover dream house and I needed some air.”
She nodded, “I understand. I hate that department anyway. Too much perfume can suffocate a person.”
I smiled at her, “Um, can you point me to the bath towels and bed sheets?”
“Straight ahead and to your right.”
“Thanks.”
I followed her directions and searched for any towels that caught my attention.
“Ooh, Egyptian Cotton!” I placed my hands flat on the red towel and felt it. Very soft. I grab the towel and looked at the bed sheets. Ooh, a bed.
I looked around to check if there are any of those annoying employees and ran for the bed, did a little jump and landed on my back.
This feels better than my bed. And the sheets are soooo pre-”
“Ma’am?”
I looked up to see a fat lady.
“I’m just…..browsing…..” I quickly got up and went to the check out lane. After shopping, and secretly jumping on every bed-teehee-it was time for home sweet crappy bitchy landlord home.
“Did you buy any makeup or did you just walked around with your face naked all day?” Becky ask.
“You’re funny. But you’re not that funny, Becky,” I said, putting the key in the lock.
“Would be nice for a change once in a while.”
“Har har har, I’m bending over in laughter.” I said sarcastically. I closed the door behind me, tossing my keys and bag on the small table near the coat closet. I shrugged out of my jacket and hung it up along with my scarf.
“Food time!”
“And you need to lose weight too. Getting a little bit chunky in the trunky.”
“Goodnight Becky!”
“It’s only the afternoon!”
“Daylight savings time. Push clock forward.” I sighed, shaking my head at her. Food time.
I have tendency to put alot of space << well thanks for viewing, reading, and reviewing
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
I'd have to agree that this chapter could use revising. Besides the fact that it was unrealistic (look up deus ex machina some time when you're bored) it went fairly fast. You have a good concept here, though the plot of someone getting a new job and wacky hijinks ensuing isn't a new one. So slow down, consider the plot points and try to think how it would happen in real life
Then again, they do say that reality is stranger than fiction.
Hey Leilani. Sorry I am a bit late. Apparently I had done half of the review earlier, but then didn't save it, so had to do it again.
So, I honestly believe that here you could have done with some pause. This seems so artificial. Imagine a person going on blabbering, without any stop. I know ti does happen, but just include some emotions here, or some verbs, so that the reader can actually imagine what is going on there.Sorry for the rudeness, but I can honestly not understand your obsession with the 'grab' word. I have seen it before also that you use always its present form, not the past tense even when they are supposed to be in past tense.
Hey, so it's a deep emotion of fear and anxiety here, so use an exclamatory sign, in both the sentences.
What you wrote here is a Question Tag. The question tag in English is a phrase added to the main part of the sentence, inviting the listener to confirm or give an opinion about the comment. It is composed of two parts: the auxiliary verb, determined by the principal verb, in negative form (or affirmative if the principal verb is negative), followed by the pronoun, determined by the subject.
For eg: #FF0040 ">She is not going there, is she?
Just Google this topic, and you would find plenty of exercises there, even though I don't think you would nned it much. This is an easy topic and you won't find it tough following it.
Though you have done this before, but I would like to tell you that when we address a person directly in a written form, we use a comma after or before their name, to separate it from rest of the sentence.
For eg: "I am not coming, Mr. Smith."
I am also not sure what a baby daddy means.
The part before this blue highlighted thing was just fine, but the blue one just doesn't seem to fit into the sentence, mainly because of it's construction. It could have been: I do not have a skill in cooking, neither can I become a doctor, a scientist or the president of United States. I like the cool attitude and honesty behind this, though.
.
So, water cannot be counted, so you cannot place 'a' here. 'A' is placed only when the object can be counted.
LOL.
Well, on the grammar, there were some things which need to be pointed out.
1. Tenses: When it comes to your writing, your tenses are the most horrible thing. Sorry, once again. You had been told a lot about it in the previous reviews, so I would just give a brief here. You're writing in past tense, aren't you? So, why do you include present tense in the mid of the sentence. And specially the 'grab' word.
I have seen that the tenses are usually fine, but the main problem comes when you have to include or use more than one verb. For example: I stopped wiping and toss the used napkin over me.
Here you used two verb i.e., wiping and toss. So here you got confused and then used toss word in it's present tense. It should be avoided, okay? just try to read more on this topic, and try to improve as this is the most occuring mistake.
2. Commas: Maybe I overlooked them, or maybe there weren't then(previous chapter), there were many mistakes related to comma. Commas are very essential as they can change a hell lot of menaing.
#FF0000 ">For example: Let's eat grandma.
Let's eat, grandma.
Just see the difference yourself. In the first sentence it seems like the person is talking about eating his/her grandmother. But in second as we have put a comma at an appropriate place, it now is confirmed that the person is addressing to his/her grandmother.
Remember: #FF00BF ">A comma can save a life!
Okay, so this chapter just seemed in a way abstract to me. Like she bumps into a lady, and she turns out to be an important person in a famous magazine? But why did the lady just offer her a job? Just because of her honesty? I think Firestarter is right in every way and you should go and think about it. Or is there some sort of secret behind it? huh?
Also, I liked reading about a world, which is still a fantasy for me. The story line is still great according to me and so are the descriptions. You have specific descriptions here, which don't get too much also and neither they are less. So, that's a good job, of keeping up the balance.
Other thing which I forgot to mention earlier was the tone of the narrator. It's awesome and I like how she isn't that typical girly-girl. that makes the character more different.
Sorry for the small review and it is pretty much the same as was the last one.
PM me when the next chapter is up, or just put in a request at my Will Review For Food column.
#FF0080 ">~Shubhi
i agree with u. i really didnt like this chapter at all and i was planning to revise the whole thing ^-^
Hi Leilani,
I'm going to keep this short and say I was pretty disappointed by this follow-up after the promising Chapter 1. I can't past how unrealistic it is. Why would Miss Garcia just give her such a sought-after job just because she spilt coffee over her and was nice enough to try and clean it up? Why would someone come along and ask her to be a model? It seemed almost like you're trying to live some sort of fnatasy through your writing. It didn't work as a story, and it just seemed muddled, incoherent and almost like you were taking the mick. It was going too quickly for me to really follow it, and your MC no longer came across as a snappy, effusive young girl, but more annoying and aggressive. I lose empathy for her.
Anyway, I hope you reconsider this chapter because I thought your story had some potential.
Cheers,
Jack.