Extract from something I've started

by Leeloo

Published January 14, 2007

-Explanation: everyone at school's in 'their own little world', right? So I decided to take this literally. Everyone's got their own words to dive into when they're lost in thought or sick of the day, and you can wander between whose ever you like, so long as you get to classes in time. Jensen and Carrie try to find out info from their friend Manny (Manfurkle D'Arnold) whose a pirate sunk deep into his pirate world.

This starts just a little after the beginning so it is not the very start.

“Wow. You two are early,”

The acid-bright early morning Moroccan sun looked good on Kai Taine. He sported raggedy jeans and nothing else, toes curled against the deck of the ship. It’s flaking wooden boards had been lovingly sanded over the years by salt residue, that at that moment glistened in Kai’s hair and on his slender fingers. A mop was propped up next to Kai against the railings, also covered in the stuff, the tip of it thrusting out to sea as if standing with it’s owner to watch the Big Blue shine for them.

Kai turned his eyes to the pair that had appeared on the deck and into the cup in his hands.

“School doesn’t start for another hour or two, does it? What you doing here?” he queered. Carrie put a hand to fix up her hair and smiled plaintively, her eyes fixed on the small curls of steam rising from the smooth brown surface resting inside Kai’s cup.

“Is that coffee?” she enquired, ignoring his question. Kai looked down at the mug he was now gripping between his fingers, as if some force were keeping his fingertips glued there and to the steamy liquid inside.

“No,” Kai said, a little too quick, pulling the coffee closer to his chest. He flickered his big dark eyes between Jensen and Carrie. If he’d done that a few years ago, Jensen might have smirked or even laughed, but nowadays Jensen’s laughs were few and far between anyway nevermind around Kai Taine.

Jensen put his hands inside his denim jeans and explained, slightly grudgingly, “She hasn’t had her caffeine fix this morning,”

”And you let her come into Manny’s world?” Kai couldn’t help asking, a note of something similar to panic in his voice. He reached out to grab the mop and dragged it quickly across to a closet next to the door of the captain’s cabin.

“We need to talk to Manny!” Jensen called after him, “We thought he’d be up and ready to command his ship,”

”If you thought that, then you really don’t know Manny do you?” he grumbled, kicking the mop into the depths of the cupboard and fighting back an avalanche of broken sabres with an elbow. Jensen yanked his hands from his pockets and sauntered up the ship towards Kai, arms spread out so that now his hands looked to be trying to catch the morning rays.

“What, did this entire ship suddenly forget what happened yesterday?”

”Get any closer and I’ll shove that mop up your ass,” Kai snarled, thrusting the cup onto a shelf in the cupboard and turning to face Jensen. Jensen curled his lip, “Yeah,” Kai continued, stepping a little closer, “That should be fun, it’s been so long I’ve forgotten the specifics of all the sordid things you liked Jensen,”

All that was allowed of Jensen’s response was a nasty, feral growl at the back of his throat, before Carrie strode over.

“Girls, girls, please,” she snapped, “Time nor place. Time nor place. Jensen and I have to talk to Manny, Kai, could you please tell us where he is?”

“In his cabin. Sound asleep. Good luck to you,”

Kai swiped up his cup and slammed the cupboard door for emphasis. He strode towards the top of the stairs under the open slat that tumbled into the bottom of the ship, “I’ll pretend you’re not wearing those things,” Jensen called with some sort of sardonic glee after him, eyes fixed on the trousers that Kai wore which he himself had once owned.

“Don’t you usually wait until you get home before you do that?” Kai answered with a smile innocent enough to strike up connotations of a cherub. Carrie waited until Kai was out of possible earshot before rounding on Jensen.

“Is it humanly impossible for you to go through one visit on this ship without having a lover’s spat?”

”Lovers spat?!”

“You heard. Get over him, or sleep with him. I don’t care which just do one of them soon. Because we’ve got bigger problems. We have to go and talk to Manny, wrangle the info about that thing he stole from Cold Face out of him, and get back for school. Alright?”

She cast a long gaze down the deck to where the entrance of Manfurkle – more informally known as Manny – D’Arnold’s world started. The portal flickered as someone close by stepped through another just like it into another world.

“Bet that’s all the teacher’s coming in,” Carrie said, with a little groan in her voice.

“If we hurry, we might not miss registration,”

“Oh I don’t mind missing registration, I can get away with that pretty easily. You, on the other hand, got suspended last week and have yet to turn in your coursework,”

”Can you stop judging me long enough to get this thing over with?”

Carrie rolled her eyes and stalked on up the ship, “I’m sick of today and it’s not even properly started yet,”

Comments & reviews · 2
User avatar
kaitlyn
Review
kaitlyn wrote a review Review · Aug 14, 2020

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.

First Impression: Hmm...this sounds like really cool concept that you have right here. If only I could find out the book that you took an extract from...I would definitely read it but alas I highly doubt that you are ever going to be able to see this so I don't know. At any rate it was certainly a really fun little extract to read.

Anyway let's get right to it,

“Wow. You two are early,”


Hmm...I don't think this a great place to start this one. The next paragraph would make for a much better starting point that this one because this one is really quite just out of the blue and since there's no proper reply to this until after the description it's just better not to have it.

The acid-bright early morning Moroccan sun looked good on Kai Taine. He sported raggedy jeans and nothing else, toes curled against the deck of the ship. It’s flaking wooden boards had been lovingly sanded over the years by salt residue, that at that moment glistened in Kai’s hair and on his slender fingers. A mop was propped up next to Kai against the railings, also covered in the stuff, the tip of it thrusting out to sea as if standing with it’s owner to watch the Big Blue shine for them.


This is a really good description right here.

Jensen put his hands inside his denim jeans and explained, slightly grudgingly, “She hasn’t had her caffeine fix this morning,”


That sounds like a truly horrifying predicament to be in.

“Don’t you usually wait until you get home before you do that?” Kai answered with a smile innocent enough to strike up connotations of a cherub. Carrie waited until Kai was out of possible earshot before rounding on Jensen.

“Is it humanly impossible for you to go through one visit on this ship without having a lover’s spat?”


This is some great teasing going on here. All the dialogue in this part so far has been really nicely done. It doesn't sound scripted at all and its pretty darn realistic.

“Bet that’s all the teacher’s coming in,” Carrie said, with a little groan in her voice.

“If we hurry, we might not miss registration,”

“Oh I don’t mind missing registration, I can get away with that pretty easily. You, on the other hand, got suspended last week and have yet to turn in your coursework,”


Well that sure doesn't sound good.

Aaand that's it for this one. Didn't have that much to say here. A bit of a short review for this fairly short piece that you have here.

Overall: So overall it was a fun little story to read. It flowed quite smoothly and the characters seemed unique and had noticeable personalities. The idea of this like I said is really cool and I wish I could read the entire book that this is from. The dialogue and character interactions in general seemed very realistic and not at all scripted.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry

User avatar
Swires
Comment
Swires commented Comment · Jan 14, 2007

Space out paragraphs - you will get more reviews this way.



Some people are hourglass shaped, some people are apple shaped, some people are pear shaped, some people are even bean pole shaped, but if we’re not careful we all become banana shaped. This is your gentle posture reminder.
— Ranger