Sound

o .o ~mind blown~ Wow! That's amazing!!! ^-^ I love it!

If this was a book, it would be the next Ms. Peregrins home for Peculiar Children! This sounds great!

Hi there Lee0z! Nite here to review!

Okay, so let's start with the good. I liked the last line. I thought it was a nice twist on a common phrase. I also think you've captured a dark feeling that many of us on here can relate to, which is likely why your previous reviewers were so positive.

Unfortunately, I feel like the rest of the poem is pretty bland. There is little imagery, and what imagery there is has been used so often that it has become meaningless. To really take this poem to another level, I would use specific imagery to really express this pain in an interesting way.

Take, for example, "A tortured mind". That's a pretty boring phrase on its own, but the idea has potential. Let's go into this tortured mind...How is it being tortured: an iron maiden, suffocation, literally being gagged with a spoon, Justin Bieber playing in a never-ending loop? Who or what is doing the torturing? Is this pain felt elsewhere on the body? Does it get worse at any particular time or place (I know when I have darker thoughts it's usually when I'm trying to fall asleep)?

Go through the vague statements in the current piece and see if you can't expand on them like I did above. Write down anything that comes to mind and see what sounds good and goes together. This piece could be so much richer with imagery that didn't feel like the many dark poems that came before it.

Also, I recommend ditching the rhyme. I feel like this sort of darkness is usually random and disorganized...very unlike a rhyming poem.

Lastly, a point of confusion. "Behind it all, a goal to kill." is kind of ambiguous. I am unsure if the speaker want to kill themselves or if they also want to kill other people. Perhaps you could clarify it in revision.

Overall, the last line is good and this piece has potential. I know I sound critical, but I really think you could do more with this theme. Keep writing!

RoyalHighness has arrived to review!
Thank you thank you thank you for writing a short poem. I'll be straight with you, I don't like reading long poems. I'll do it for the vine, for the review, for the grade or whatever, but I will not do it willingly.
I really super like this poem but I'm afraid to fall in love with it because I don't want it to hurt me so I'm going to say what I didn't like first.

Literally the only thing I didn't love was the seventh line, "Behind it all..." and that was only because it didn't rhyme. I actually like that line because it's kind of a wake-up call for the reader.
Okay, time to gush.

The first line was such a hook, I felt more like a trout than a human being.
The second line was beautiful--"chosen lies," made me want to give you a standing ovation. Although that comma kind of broke the rhythm, I'll forgive you for it.
The third line is flawless.
The fourth line is a little overused, but I don't know any other way to word what you want to say.
The fifth and sixth lines are good, and the commas really help the flow there. The concepts are, again, a little overused, but it's okay.
The seventh line has been dissected already.
The eighth line gave me chills.
And the ninth line was pure, unadulterated genius. I just. I. I can't.

I don't know whether I'm, like, missing something that I should be criticizing but honestly, I really liked this poem. The only problem you have is the subject. You've focused so much on diction that you've left us with a lack of content. It may be because the poem is so short, but the thing about the greatest short poems is that they say a lot in a few words. You've said a little in a few words. Keep working at it. Great job!
I give your poem an outstanding eight stars of ten! Fabulous!

Hey there, Lee0z! GreenLight24 here with a review for you on this fantastic Saturday afternoon!

First of all, I thought it was really cool that you made this one so short. Not because I didn't want to read a long work at the moment (lol) but just because I think short poems can be pleasantly deceiving. The simplest phrases and the shortest pieces can sometimes carry far more weight and meaning than the longest ones ever could. In my opinion, poetry is the most emotional literary art form and lends itself best to the expression of profound feelings and complex emotions. In the very same way that our emotions are obscure, poetry can be too. It just seems that sometimes, short poems lend themselves better to obscurity.

I greatly enjoyed reading this for some reason. To be quite honest with you, the first time I read it I was just psyched because it rhymed. (I know, I know, I'm easily amused.) But when I went back and reread this a few times, I found that you were workin' with some pretty interesting themes here. I especially love the first line because not only does it make the reader want to continue on, but it also forces them to confront that very question. It also forces them to take a minute to think about what exactly it means to them too. Like I said, poetry is the emotional literary form, so it's always great when a poem can cause the reader to do some introspection of their own. I also liked how you brought a second question in too, this time a rhetorical one that signals the beginning of the narrator's answer to the first one. This is significant because it interrupts the reader's introspective process and forces them to regroup their thoughts and become receptive to the narrator's. Well played there.

The best thing about this poem is the ending. Throughout the short body of the poem, there exists this sense of tension and brooding frustration within the narrator. In the last two lines, it all comes rushing to the surface and the culmination is a declaration by the narrator that not even death can alleviate their worries. Those two lines were both beautifully thought out and beautifully executed.

As far as constructive criticism goes, there's only one real thing I can think of that you could've done better. I know that with poems like this the actual content is more important than how it sounds, but some of the rhymes come out a little bit uneven and off key. If that's the kind of effect you meant to create, I applaud you for taking that extended metaphor for the imbalance within the narrator's life and running with it. Lastly, I think that the third line could use some tweaking; it doesn't exactly make sense and seems like it doesn't fit in with the rest of the poem. I think something like "A world we never knew." or "A world the best and brightest never even knew." Somethin' like that. What you change it to doesn't really matter, but "A world no one dare knew." is just a little bit awkward and, quite frankly, grammatically incorrect...LOL I feel like a humungous tool right now.

Anyways, great poem. I enjoyed it and I think you've got a really good thing going with the themes and ideas in this one. I hope this review was helpful and remember, Never Stop Writing, buddy!