There’s a light outside my window,
It shines so very bright.
Seeping through the shadows,
It keeps me up this night.
I rub my eyes tiredly,
And with a hand I beckon.
It draws so very closer,
Taking a stride each second.
But now I realize with horror,
The light is not my friend.
And swiftly it takes me,
The light is now my end.
Hey guys, something I came up with real quick, sort of just popped into my head really. Anyway, if you like it, click the little star button. It will make me feel AWESOME. So yeah, Ciao!
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139,427 Literary Works • 672,561 Reviews
A few comments on your poem. Not going to go line by line or anything, just a few comments
1) So very. Two things. One you used it twice. . Two, so very just doesn't sound good. Its just kind of an immature way to phrase things.
2)The rhyme feels kind of forced. Rhyme is generally hard to pull off and I don't think it really fit the feel or flow of the poem.
3)The flow is kind of off with line length. You keep it going at 6 beats a line for a few, then 7, then lose the flow completely, and its very noticeable.
Hello! I enjoyed this poem. It's cleverly written, and I really like the unexpected ending.
I really like the way you present the light.The poem is short, but the descriptions manage to draw me in.
The poem starts off with a strong, clear rhythm, which works well with the rhymes. But in the last two stanzas, there are a few words that don't quite fit with the rhythm, which interrupts the flow.
These are the lines that feel awkward to me:
If you just change the wording around a bit, the rhythm could feel more natural. I'll make a few suggestions for what can be changed:
Tiredly, I rub my eyes/And with with a hand I beckon/It draws so very closer/Striding once each second/But, horrified, I realize/The light is not my friend/Swiftly, it does take me/The light is now my end.
I think that might make it flow a bit more smoothly.
The poem is very good, and I enjoyed reading it. Keep writing!
Thanks XD
heyyy
smile is here to review
that was a very nice poem ,the title was so good too
the rhythm was very good , every part flows good . the idea of your poem is good , but for me it's kinda usual and not defferent ( sorry for being harsh) .
i mostly liked how you ended the poem , so rhymy :
"But now I realize with horror,
The light is not my friend.
And swiftly it takes me,
The light is now my end. "
i also liked how simple was your lines and words , but that was enough to send a message and make the reader understand it ... your punctuation is good so generally good job
i enjoyed reading your work , looking forward to read others
keep writing
smile
Thank you :3
Hey LeeOz, Subtle here for a review!
Closer should just be close.Whoa, I have to say, I was not expecting that ending, so you're writing your own death warrant? Boy, that's interesting. Or perhaps I interpreted in the wrong way, but I think this is a nice little poem, the poem has a nice flow to it and I love the way you have rhymed it even though the rhyme is pretty sporadic. It makes it very enjoyable to read, the language is simple but it conveys your message across well. Now, this is going to make me a hypocrite, but I think it would help the readers to get the imagery better if you used some better words in some places. I know you're aiming for a rhyme here, but still always be creative when you're writing poetry!
Anyways, there's not much to nitpick on the content, so I will point out some technical things.
The rest is fine, and once again, endings. Is always good to surprise the reader, overall. I enjoyed reading this poem, though in future, be adventurous with your vocabulary! Keep calm and stay epic!
-S.s
Thanks XS XD