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Lunar Blaze Chapter one, A Dark Visitor

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Sorry if some of it doesn't make sense or anything, reviews would be much appreciated! ~ Lee

As lights twinkled sullenly, and a cold mist wrestled winningly against the fires of chimneys that sent smoke pluming into the still air, he was unaware of the horror that was about to occur.

It wasn’t the type of night that the friendly came knocking on your door. Visitors just meant trouble. The room was silent but the streets below were filled with howling sirens that darted between the sounds of engines of cars speeding down a nearby motorway. If you listened carefully, you could almost hear the battle that was about to come.

The screams, the weapons swinging through the air. It was a night that would not be soon forgotten.

Contained within the wooden apartment he slept, his head slumped in a sedated fashion against the books he had been researching into.  Wet drool ran from his slightly ajar mouth and onto the ancient pages, leaving a darker colour patch. Candles were lit and cast his shadow against the bed that lay diagonally behind him.

His head sunk into his desk, many ancient books lay open with pages full of sigils and long forgotten languages around him. His shadow was cast against the wooden walls of his bedroom study giving off an eerie feeling.

Like any other full time worker, his day had been cramped with business. His clients were requesting magical artefacts that would have to be acquired from the furthest corners of the Earth. He was determined to find them for his clients of course. It was not only his job, but a dangerous hobby. He had accomplished massive fetes such as retrieving the remains of an old king, whose bones stuck out of the ground of some half-finished grave. He had journeyed to the floors of icy caverns to retrieve the amulet of skull cracking, and that was just one of his many life threatening adventures.

Rueben’s brown jacket and grey workpants weren’t enough to shield him from the chilly gust of wind that suddenly hauled him out of sleep. Being the middle of winter in Paris, having any windows or doors open was a ludicrous idea. Running his fingers through his dark chocolate hair he blinked through tired brown eyes, puzzled as to why the balcony doors had opened. The room was clear of any trespassers. Stumbling sleepily he made his way to the balcony and peered down, only seeing the dark streets below with some lonely parked cars. Surely he hadn’t been robbed.

Frowning, Rueben went back inside and began to lock the doors, satisfied with the click of the locks. He turned around, and gasped in horror at an awfully familiar man who smiled at his shock.

His face was cloaked by shadow, his hair a dark grey. His cloak hung gracefully down his square body. And his smile, so wicked, just looking at his thin blue lips and black rotten teeth sent a shiver down Rueben’s spine.

Rueben slinked into the doors, trying desperately to get as far away from the powerful man as possible. Immediately, Rueben knew what the man was there for, but he couldn’t let the man win.

“Hello, sir,” he stuttered in French, “here for a purchase?”

“You know what I’m here for Rueben,” the man said in English, the words dancing from his tongue, “don’t play games with me.”

“I swear! I don’t have it!”

“I’m not stupid Rueben, I’ve searched everywhere and I’ve asked so many people. Some of them died for my wishes, don’t make that you too,” the man reached inside his coat and took out a blade still in its silver sheath, he pulled it out and began waving it in Rueben’s face, returning the sheath to his pocket. Rueben kept his eyes on the tip of the blade, daring not to blink as fear glinted in his brown eyes. “A little birdy told me you have it here. Now I’m not bothered to rip this place apart to find it, but if you don’t tell me of its location, I may just rip you apart.”

“Please! I beg of you! Leave me be! I don’t I have it! I don’t have it!” Rueben was on the edge of passing out. The man sighed and within a swift movement had stabbed the blade into Rueben’s shoulder. Rueben gasped, pain seared down his left arm. A patch of dark colours grew in a circle around the wound.

“Where is it? I know you have it,” the man hissed.

“You’ll never know, I am what’s between you and the book and I refuse to tell,” Rueben teased, dropping the scared act. The man twisted the knife, and Rueben dropped to his knees, screaming. His left arm flopped by his side uselessly while his right gripped the man’s wrist, attempting to force him to stop. The man squatted before him. Rueben looked up into the dark patch that was his eyes, tears streaming out of his own.

“Tell me where it is, or I’ll take your life instead,” the man said, clenching his jaw in anger.

Rueben continued to assuage his fear. Sweat began to swell through his skin “no!” His lips began to tremble, “you deserve this!” Abruptly he let go of the man’s arm, then a flame burst to life in his palm. Before the man could react Rueben shoved the flame in the man’s face who roared in fury. The man smothered the flames with the sleeves of his coat. He then grabbed Rueben’s collar, and sent him smashing into the opposite wall a fair few metres away. Before Rueben could blink the man was standing over him again, he watched in despair as the fresh burns were swallowed by new pale skin.

Rueben’s heart was beating so fast with fear that he shook with every beat. The man punched him in the face, Rueben spat warm blood. He moaned as the blade was pulled from his shoulder and the man pulled him to his feet, forcing him against the wood with the blade to his throat. The liquid tickled his skin.

“It could have been so much easier for you Rueben, but it’s too late. Here we are, at the end of your life,” the man chuckled.

“Kill me and you’ll never get the book,” Rueben snapped, “you’re a fool! You always have been!”

“You’ll die either way, but here’s the deal, you tell me where the book is, and I’ll let your precious darling go.”

“What?! You leave her out of this!” Rueben hissed.

“I think it’s far too late for that,” the man waved his hand at a door which creaked open, to Rueben’s despondency, the door revealed a girl who was trembling in the hallway.

Her curly blonde ringlets shook with her fear. She was wearing her pyjamas and held the paw of her teddy she slept with in her hand that dragged on the wooden floor.

She had been peeking through the crack, watching the fight with wide eyes.

“Run Delilli! Run!” Rueben yelled, the nine year old turned and sprinted for the stairs, but it was too late. A rope of black smoke shot from the man’s hand and whipped around the girl’s ankle. She tumbled to the floor and was vigorously dragged back towards the man. Her nails dug into the wooden floor splintering her skin causing her to clench her teeth, but she couldn’t hold grip. The man laughed in amusement as the girl rolled onto her back and clawed at the smoke, to find it wouldn’t come off of her. She was then lifted into the air, her arms flailing about.

“Let her go!” Rueben repeatedly shouted, the man neglected his cries. Instead he let the black smoke devour her body.

Delilli was being strangled, the smoke crawled down her nose and fried her lungs. “Help me, Jasko,” she choked and gagged.

“Please let her go! I beg of you! I beg of you! It’s in my safe behind the portrait! The code is one five three zero, just let her go!” Rueben pleaded, nodding his head towards his right.

The man smiled, “thank you Rueben,” he simply said. The girl dropped to the floor, the dark mist escaped from her lungs and she engulfed fresh air with greed. The man was not done with Rueben yet though, he slowly drew the blade deeply against his throat while grinning and a fresh stream of blood poured out of the new wound. He let go of

Rueben who sunk to the floor choking up blood, and stepped over the startled Delilli. Rueben grasped his neck as he watched the man rip the portrait from the wall and enter the combination of the enchanted safe. With a laugh of triumph, he pulled out the book. Its jewels that stuck out of the hard cover twinkled in the desks light, it appeared a thousand years old. He tucked the book under his coat and strode towards the balcony. The doors began to crack and groan and suddenly they exploded into splinters sending glass shooting through the air.

“Thank you again for the help,” the man sneered, and then he leapt over the railing into the streets below.

The girl jumped to her feet and ran to the bed. She ripped a pillow out of its case and brought the case to Rueben. Delilli thrust it around his neck and brought his hand to it, making him push it into the wound to stop the blood. She then sprinted over to the phone and frantically dialled a number. When the person on the other end picked up, she began talking as calmly as she could, “you have to get here now mister,” she cried, “a bad man cut Jasko’s throat, he has the book!” The man on the other end didn’t say a word, he hung up immediately.

Delilli ran back to Rueben and knelt by his side, “they’re coming Jasko. Please don’t die,” she whispered. He couldn’t stop what she did next as much as he liked to, she reached inside her pocket, took out a pocket knife and the blade clicked open. She pulled it across her wrist while biting her lip and poured the blood on the wounds. “I keep you alive Jasko.”

When the girl had been dropped off at his door step, Rueben had been thrilled. The basket was soaked and inside was a little baby, carefully wrapped in blankets. She appeared less than a week old. He had picked her up and dashed inside, her lips were blue and her skin was purple. Not knowing how to be a father, Rueben panicked, and decided that the best thing to do was to put her in the warm bath. That’s how he learnt that babies couldn’t swim, which was his first lesson about being a father. As soon as the baby started thrashing wildly she flipped over and quick as a flash, Rueben swiftly picked up the crying baby, telling her that everything was ok. “There, there, Delilli,” and just like that, the girl had a name.

The girl knew that Rueben wasn’t her father, but her guardian, yet she loved him just the same. He trained her in the world of magic, and discovered that her blood had the ability to preserve life, she knew this too.

Rueben smiled weakly at her, remembering their times together he stroked her hair with his good arm. His throat burned and his shoulder stung. He couldn’t die, for her sake. He had to make it so he could look after her and protect her. If his voice box hadn’t been slashed open, he would have told her that he loved her.

By the time Rueben’s friends arrived, most of his blood was on the floors and walls, his skin was deathly white. Delilli sobbed as she desperately shook Rueben, trying to wake him up. They pulled her away from him, and began to work on his injuries, pumping magic blood into his body as they went. All they had in mind was saving him. The book would have to wait.

Comments & reviews · 4
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User avatar
MariaRowlands
Review

Hi! I just read this chapter and I found only one issue. I don't normally point things out like this but I have recently discovered that some things must be said.
"Rueben smiled weakly at her, remembering their times together he stroked her hair with his good arm."
I believe you meant to add a "as" between "together" and "he". Good job though. I'm looking forward to the next chapter!

Good Luck!

~Maria Rowlands

User avatar
Iggy
Review
Iggy wrote a review · Tue Jun 25, 2013 3:57 am

Hello. Iggy here to review.

The room was silent but the streets below were filled with howling sirens that darted between the sounds of engines of cars speeding down a nearby motorway.


Like KingKamor said below, a better re-write is: "Sounds of car engines".

[...]leaving a darker colour patch.Candles were lit and cast[...]


Put a space between "patch" and "Candles".

His shadow was cast against the wooden walls of his bedroom study giving off an eerie feeling.


Add a comma after "bedroom study".

His clients were requesting magical artefacts that would have to be acquired from the furthest corners of the Earth.


Change that to "artifacts".

He had accomplished massive fetes such as retrieving the remains of an old king[...]


Change to "feats".

Rueben continued to assuage his fear.


I feel like "assuage" is used improperly here. I suggest a change of words.

So, not bad, not bad at all for a first chapter. I see you're British? :P

One thing I feel you need to work on is dialogue, and how you capitalize a sentence when speaking. Another is where to end one, as most of the character's sentences ended with a comma when they could have ended with a period.

Other than that, you did a great job, so kudos on that. Some things, like the man and little girl popping out of nowhere, is really odd, so be sure to build up to that so you can shock as surprise the readers. Your imagery was great, so keep that up. Let me know when chapter two is posted!

~ Iggy.

Thanks Iggy

User avatar
KingKamor
Review

From the get-go, you use words with the -ly suffix a lot. I think it was Stephen King who said that, while using -ly words is fine and dandy, overuse of them is something that should be avoided. Try rolling those sentences around in your head and see if you can't reword them.

"sounds of engines of cars"
Try not to use "of"s so close together. Something like "sounds of car engines" might flow better.

"many ancient books lay open with pages full of sigils and long forgotten languages around him"
Put "around him" after "open." Otherwise it reads like "long forgotten languages around him," which would be weird.

"eerie feeling"
Don't tell me that it's eerie, show me.

"fetes"
Typo, most likely. feats

"gracefully down his square body"
You don't normally think of a square as graceful. An interesting description.

"You leave her out of this!"
Sorry, but this response to a villain has been overused, so I could only laugh when he said it. Maybe something in the ballpark of "You wouldn't dare, you scumbag" or even a simple "Go to hell" might sound more ballsy on Rueben's part.

That whole part where the nine year-old slits her wrist and pours the blood into the wound is not only dark, but I don't think it would actually work. Another human body can't just take in blood like that unless it's going the right direction, is the right blood type, and isn't possibly being spilled all over the place. I think this part should be rewritten or reworked to better explain what she's doing and why. Unless she's some kind of magic vampire hybrid thing that the reader doesn't know about or Rueben's a lesser vampire who just needs blood to stay "alive," then it'll remain fairly confusing that a nine year-old would try that (or keep a knife on her, for that matter). Also, "magic blood" should require a bit more explanation unless it's explained in the next few chapters with some world building.

Other than that, this piece held my attention pretty well once I got to the dialogue. I like that the villain is a pretty nasty guy, and he has some fun vampire powers that just aren't seen very often these days, so it's a bit refreshing to see one sticking to the classics. Although, your use of commas could use a lot of improvement, and you need to work on writing in the active voice (ex: "he had done it" is passive and flimsy, while "he did it" is active and more definitive).

I'll read the next chapter if you choose to post it; I'm interested in seeing where this goes.

As a side note, your short description says, "Selina's life was pretty ordinary, that is until she's attacked by a vampire, talks to a chattering cat and is kidnapped... Magic is involved..." The reader doesn't meet this Selina character at all (or do we?) in this, nor do we meet a talking cat, so it's a pretty misleading and should probably be changed to reflect what happens in this chapter.

Thanks, King, much appreciated XD

Random avatar
Bugslake
Comment

This is a very good start. There are some misspelled words here and there, but I am willing to overlook that because I like the concept behind your story. I would like to read more so write on.



she slept with wolves without fear, for the wolves knew there was a lion among them.
— r.m. drake