Death was tempting. He stood there, a single red gem in his hand.
“Know this, if you take my gift, you can never give it back.”
Understanding what he was saying didn’t come easily. Why would anyone want to give back a beautiful thing like this? Desire slipped from her lips and she nodded, reaching out for the gem.
It was then that a hand grabbed her, so abruptly and suddenly that she yelped. She swiped thin air and realized that death was gone. She span around and was pulled into a hug. Shock engulfed her body, the thing that clasped her was a boy. He was beautiful, she recognized him immediately. Her knight in shining armour.
He looked down with her with a hurt in his brown eyes. And an ocean of hurt caught her.
“Why would you take it?” Tears formed in his eyes.
“I don’t understand, it’s just a gem?”
“Just a gem, no… That was something far more precious…” He looked over his shoulder, all she could see was fog.
“What are you looking at?”
“Your future, our future. But it seems that fear is blinding you. If you took that gem, then we couldn’t be together.”
“What do you mean?”
“That gem was your life. You just tried to take your own life.”
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,796 Reviews
Hello there! I'm here to bring it out of the Green Room
So seeing your response to the previous reviewer, I see that this is cathartic. Writing is a good way to relieve any emotions or stresses you might have, so do keep writing <3
I don't have too much critiques for this. I liked the symbols used. "She"--is that you?--was trying to take her life. The knight was somebody who managed to get her out of her suicidal state. The ruby--her life. Some notes I have:
-"Death was tempting" is a little vague because it tells rather than shows. I'd like to know in what way is Death tempting her. A little specificity would be nice.
-I'm also a little confused as to Death giving her the ruby. "Taking the ruby" would sound a lot like "Taking her life" but I feel as if Death coaxing her to give her ruby might feel more like suicide? What do you think?
-And since there are symbols for her life and the knight, Death could have its own symbol. Just to comprise the entire story out of symbols, maybe. Food for thought.
Other than that, I don't have too much to talk about. I hope this review helped. Remember that what I said above are all suggestions and you can ignore all of them if you edit your story. Keep writing <3
Well, that was a nice and quick read. The red gem thing reminded me of The Matrix. Not to be offensive, you made the concept of 'death' a really messy one here. So Death was standing with life in his hands (yeah, right), and if one takes the gem that is life, you are actually choosing death? You tried to wordplay with 'taking your life' which actually means suicide but that is the only way you can try to justify the stupid ideas you've created about death and life. Maybe I'm wrong; tell me exactly how this life in the hands of death thing works? If death had taken the gem away from the girl, it would have made so much sense. It looks like this piece lacks any sense in your attempt to fit life, death and all sorts of mysticism within it.
Also, in the line 'He looked over his shoulder, all she could see was fog.' - I think you meant all 'he' could see was fog.
I wrote this in an extremely suicidal state a couple of years ago. To me, life and death are both very vague and confusing. I'm still fighting to live, it's hard but whatever, gotta keep going I suppose.
And yeah it is meant to be she, since she cannot see what he sees, their future. But I could've worded it better. Sorry if I don't make sense, my mind is failing at thinking right now. Thanks for the review