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Young Writers Society



When Mindnights Cross Our Eyes

by Lechevin27


Night was coming and the wind was sweet as a woman’s breath.

Earlier in the evening, he had fallen -subtle word, for the roar that dwells inside of it ; quiet word, for the tempest it harvests-, he had fallen in love.

Earlier in the afternoon, the summer sun was beating upon molting trees and broken crops, humming his haunting hymn in the fleshes. The fire, yet, was not lit. And desire was stirred, shaken like water kept in a volcano.

A heart. A heart. A heart.

Beat.

   

Earlier in life, the road had seemed long, like a doubt unspoken ; tedious as an argument with a woman ; empty as a a drunkless hour.

Earlier in life, he was wrong.

Earlier in life, there was no life.

Earlier, there used to be some ‘shimmering’ dreams.

In those earlier dreams, the future laid bare, The future used to say : Tomorrow, shall be yesterday’

I couldn’t believe it.

So I tied my ears to my shoes, in an attempt, fruitless attempt –for you know Man- to cover up for my songs and joy.   

Now, I’ve burnt down my guitar,

But my fingers are still bleeding

As I type, as I write

As I remember.


‘Give me you fruitless blood, before midnights cross our eyes !’

‘Shed on me, white queen, your lost echoes, of lost paradises !’   


But the craving man is a liar

Lea, she told him you know,

‘All the drifters lie finally in jail

The ones with clouds on their eyes

Are those who want what they’ll fail’

Could have Bob Dylan been left-handed

Or shaved his eyebrows:

Ezra Pound’s style.      

                                                                                                   

A lie is a joke, a joke is a lie.

Every joker will tell you;

Every liar will, if you ask him

Politely.                         

                                                                 

Won’t you come see me, white queen !’

‘Won’t you come ease me, white queen !’

‘Come, take my pain away !’    


Dead men cross no islands,

Or betray no shine ;

Of golden tears and deserted columns,

Dead men are better off

Than living like the folks of here.                                                               .

                                                                                   

For the road is cold

As disdain

And disdain again,

In the shameless eyes

Of beautiful women.                                                                                     .

                                                                 

But let us not escape from our memories and from their haunting chill ; Our hearts are full now, and our voices warm of whispering goodbyes, so let us empty it, in a appalling flow, in fear that soon, awaking, we discover it hollow.

It shall be heard. It shall be heard. It shall be heard.

And I put a ‘e’ to be polite.                                                                                        .

               

There are a few things, a decent writer must tell, before engaging with your minds, the fight, between you and he,where the winner decides which one is to repaint with his colors, the useless convolutions of your brain.

When midnight crosses our eyes, with lavish manners and crimson tricks, with deceitful glimpses, in the den of deserting intellect, and senses, we take our guitar to sing.                                                .

A guitar is a sound,

(In the night)

No wooden piece, no iron stings.          

  

A guitar is a voice,

And its flight;

No decadent tree,

No artistic pride.         

   

A guitar is a wife,

A guitar is a life;

We have so many.


‘In the hour of my deepest need… ‘

‘I shall measure out the ingratitude of men with matchsticks’

‘And toilet papers… rolling, rolling, rolling… under the door’


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364 Reviews


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Reviews: 364

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Sun Oct 29, 2017 6:25 pm
zaminami wrote a review...



Hello Lechevin27! Welcome to YWS! Kara here for a (hopefully) quick review for Werewolves :D

Give me your soul.

With that aside, I'm not the best at poetry but here we go!

Bold = grammar and flow issues.
Italics = suggestions and overall
Strikethrough = remove
Underline = krazy Kara komments.

Spoiler! :
Night was coming and the wind was sweet as a woman’s breath.

Earlier in the evening, he had fallen{ - a} subtle word, for the roar that dwells inside of it{;}

{A}
[/b] quiet word, for the tempest it harvests{ - }he had fallen in love. {I separated these two lines because this line is way too long}

{--}

Earlier in the afternoon, the summer sun was beating upon molting trees and broken crops,

{H}umming his haunting hymn in the fleshes. The fire, yet, was not lit.

And desire was stirred, shaken like water kept in a volcano.

A heart. A heart. A heart.

Beat.

{I would put in onomonopea like 'bum bum' or the beating of the heart}


Earlier in life, the road had seemed long, like a doubt unspoken{;}

{T}
edious as an argument with a woman; empty as a a drunkless hour.

Earlier in life, he was wrong.

Earlier in life, there was no life. {This line is quite a bit redundant}

Earlier, there used to be some {"}shimmering{"} dreams.

In those earlier dreams, the future laid bare, {the} future used to say:

{"}Tomorrow, shall be yesterday{."} {I don't get this line}

I couldn’t believe it.

So I tied my ears to my shoes, in an attempt, {a} fruitless attempt{ - }for you know Man{ - }to cover up for my songs and joy. {Break up this line}

Now, I’ve burnt down my guitar,

But my fingers are still bleeding

As I type, as I write

As I remember.



{"}Give me {your} fruitless blood, before midnights cross our eyes!{"} {Mindnights or midnights?}

{"}Shed on me, {White Queen}, your lost echoes of lost paradises!{"}



But the craving man is a liar

Lea, she told him you know,

{"}All the drifters lie finally in jail

The ones with clouds on their eyes

Are those who want what they’ll fail{."}

Could have Bob Dylan been left-handed

Or shaved his eyebrows:

Ezra Pound’s style. {wtf are these last three lines? I would remove them}



A lie is a joke, a joke is a lie.

Every joker will tell you;

Every liar will, if you ask him

Politely. {OOoooooo, noice line}



{"}Won’t you come see me, white queen{!"}

{"}Won’t you come ease me, white queen{!"}

{"}Come, take my pain away{!"}



Dead men cross no islands,

Or betray no shine{;}

Of golden tears and deserted columns,

Dead men are better off

Than living like the folks of here. .



For the road is {as} cold

As disdain

And disdain again,

In the shameless eyes

Of beautiful women. .



But let us not escape from our memories and from their haunting chill{;}

Our hearts are full now, and our voices warm of whispering goodbyes, so let us empty it,

{I}n a appalling flow, in fear that soon, awaking, we discover it hollow.

It shall be heard. It shall be heard. It shall be heard.

And I put a ‘e’ to be polite. {I... don't get it} .



There are a few things, a decent writer must tell, before engaging with your minds{ - }

{T}he fight, between you and he,

{W}here the winner decides which one is to repaint with his colors,

{T}he useless convolutions of your brain.

When midnight crosses our eyes,

{W}ith lavish manners and crimson tricks, with deceitful glimpses

{I}n the den of deserting intellect, and senses, we take our guitar to sing.

A guitar is a sound,

(In the night) {Instead of parenthesis, I would strikethrough it}

No wooden piece, no iron stings.



A guitar is a voice,

And its flight;

No decadent tree,

No artistic pride.



A guitar is a wife,

A guitar is a life;

We have so many.



{"}In the hour of my deepest need… {"}

{"}I shall measure out the ingratitude of men with matchsticks{"}

{"}And toilet papers… rolling, rolling, rolling… under the door{."} {That was random}


Interpretation:



Wut is this.

I honestly don't get the poem.

I disagree with alliyah with that you need to make the poem more random. It's random enough as it is, and I honestly don't get what this poem is about. There's a woman, then a guitar, and conspiracy theories, and then toilet paper? What?

Overall:



I'll be blunt: I didn't like it.

Lines were too long, several punctuation errors (putting spaces before and after punctuation when you aren't supposed to, words spelled wrong, etc.), spacing errors, and how confusing it is really doesn't appeal to me. It's just... too random, you know? I would make it less random, like putting allusions to the end at the beginning and vice versa to tie it up all together better. Sorry.

Why haven’t you given me your soul yet? --

Kara

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41 Reviews


Points: 2331
Reviews: 41

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Sun Oct 29, 2017 11:45 am
Carlymillie wrote a review...



Is this a review!! yea it is!!

Carly's corner: (witches):
This is intriguing, I mean, I cannot help but say praise this work. Like there are one million things I could say about this right now, but u have a los battery and I cannot be here for so long.

Grammatical structure:
poetry has no defined grammatical structure, so it's left for the poet to give a very fine structure and something that can keep the reader hooked. Did you nail that? yes you definitely did! I kept a screenshot of it.

Use of Literary figures:
Just wonderful, like if I have to go over all figures you used I'd have to go through this work over and over, and my battery would not permit it, but trust me, you made use of a whole lot, and not everyone pulls that off.
Imagery is so clear, like I could respond and react to the feels. You were able to achieve the writer- audience relationship, which is the first thing to do if you really wanna keep ur reader hooked.

Essence:
Wow?? I cannot sincerely find anything so bad about this, and I know you need to improve your skills, but you're doing fine, all you need do is practice more, write more often and you're there, because obviously, you know the rules and how well to apply them...

Thanks!!! courstesy the witches!!!!




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Points: 144000
Reviews: 1228

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Sun Oct 29, 2017 4:11 am
alliyah wrote a review...



Wow! This piece is the most unique poem I've read all day. I think it should have been placed under the "dramatic" and "humor" categories [people don't tend to read the "general" ones, but I guess that always fits too].

Anyways, I wanted to try my hand at interpreting before getting into the review part.

So, I interpreted this poem as being a stream of conscious reflection of a man's night getting worse and worse and worse. The speaker is a guitar player, singer, who either does drugs or is drunk out of his mind -- exhibited by the randomness of the whole poem /formatting changes etc. He is really into women especially this woman he sings about called the "white queen" the problem is that he keeps psyching himself out and turning back on his past. His past was marked by many challenges and sorrows so he drinks or does drugs and sings to take away some of those memories - but they keep resurfacing. The poem follows his string of logic and different events as he mourns the loss of this white queen -- until the final line he's stuck on the toilet and has lost the toilet paper -- maybe even an allusion to that white queen. So in his drunken/drug educed state every loss endured is just adding to his misery of not being able to get is love. He is literally and figuratively stuck on the toilet.

Normally this is the part of the critique where I would say the poem needs to be more cohesive and the stanzas/line breaks/line lengths should be more consistent. But I actually think the opposite is true for this poem. Because the piece seems committed to being random, I would actually suggest making it more random! If you can play with the formatting even more - excellent. And take the reader into really weird turns, play up the randomness so that it almost makes zero sense and then leave the ending in-tact where you sort of pull together all the loose ends. That's what I would do anyways. You also have the opportunity to make even more ridiculous metaphors with a piece like this as well.

Also I enjoy all the philosophical language you used throughout the piece, because the irony was so ridiculous that all this philosophizing was happening amidst chaos, but it ended up feeling a little added in/separate from the rest of the piece. I would try to make the philosophical elements a bit more tied together so that each one is building off of each other while maintaining the rest of the piece's randomness.

Lastly, I'm unsure exactly if in the end the guy was in love or just missing the toilet paper -- this is a strange ambiguity but I think that you should play that up a bit more too. You could have more toilet references near the beginning and then a little bit more about the mysterious women at the end, so that in the end of the poem the reader is truly confused.

I hope some of this helped! Best of luck in your future writing!

~alliyah

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