The prompt for this is actually Apple, although the fruit itself is hardly ever mentioned.
Eden is gone.
My husband and I,
Driven by the fiery angel,
Walk into the desolate wasteland.
It is a wasteland,
Because we are used to the garden.
Adam refuses to speak to me.
And it is my fault.
It’s true that the serpent enticed me,
But I knew after, what I had done.
I could have stopped then.
But instead I chase to tempt Adam
There is no forgiveness for me now.
I had to know though.
I had to know that his love for me
Was not born of complete ignorance.
Then I start crying.
Adam looks at me for the first time
Since we had been forced out by the angel,
And I had my answer.
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Canary word: Present
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I agree with Kylan that this is a unique concept, and even though I'm a bit against the concept of organized religion altogether, it makes for a good poem. However, the way you constructed the poem is where you fell down and scraped your knees.
You completely lacked imagery, similes, metaphors, all that jazz. As a poet, you need to make your readers think, and you leave nothing for us to contemplate, which completely detracts from the overall effect of the poem.
In my opinion, you need some hardcore editing, perhaps I can give you a start. First of all, I'd take out "eden is gone", that's a dead giveaway right there.
Then throw some imagery in the first stanza:
"My husband and I,
discarded by an advocate of the creator.
His sword, gleaming with fiery zeal.
We walk into our desolate home."
Hope this helps!
Although your concept is unique, I found this to be lacking many of the elements essential for good poetry. What you've done here is express an old story again in boring language. I think it's interesting that you examined the psyche of Eve and her regrets and the conflict between her and Adam, but something like that should be reserved for a story. In this case a story that should remain wedged between "In the beginning" and Exodus.
Really, I think your biggest problem is your lack of metaphors, similes, imagery, and good solid language. Poetry is all about forcing an image in one's mind. It's about getting your point across (whether or not you really have one) in a subtle, thought provoking way. I want to see the picture. I want to see the desolation, and not just accept your one word description, "wasteland." What was the garden like? Personify the feelings. Make things a little more abstract. I don't want to be told how things are, I want to be shown.
And crack open a thesaurus and give us some words to chew on--I particularly enjoy [www.m-w.com]. Don't go overboard, but trust me, there are more exciting substitutes for 'firery" and 'desolate' and 'ignorance'.
Good luck editing.
-Kylan
As a pure Christian I can really apreciate this poem.
The story of Adam and Eve was a great way to tell this kind of situation. A message of forgiveness and love through human error.
A perfect way to encompass imperfection, if you will. lol
It IS that Adam still loved her right? I mean they had children!
Anyway, it's a great poem. You were vauge enough to make it seem real and emotional but specific enough to clue readers into what was going on. Way to find "that perfect balance" that a lot of people can't seem to find.
I also liked the way you didn't rhyme, it made it seem more real and emotional.
Overall you did an awesome job. An intriguing beggining with emotional turmoil and unease, topped off with a sound conclusion. All in one short poem.
Well done!