For the Win

Cool....the title drew me in for sure. 'For the win' is heartfelt and kind of gutsy if you catch my drift, I knew right before I read it that it was going to envoke strong emotions in me.

And by god it did.

The issues raised are so below the surface, and yet I can still see them. You seem to suggest that the path of rivarly had two routes...one that will end in either friendship or not. I really made me think, and I enjoyed this line especially:

Some say it's a lasting friendship, between us and them.
The long and hard struggle to understand.

We clash with sharpened sword,
Tooth against fang and nail.

For the win.

What everyone else said in their first line...

You have a really interesting rhythm going on here. It starts out long and starts to get shorter. I don't love it, but it's not bad--I can find some rhythm in it. I loved your repetitions, and overall, I think that this is really good. I've read a couple other things of yours, that I can't post on yet, that I also thought were good.

"Rivalry. Nice first line.
Some say it's a constant battle, between us and them.
The long and hard struggle to the top. The line before this was great, and this line sounds good, but kind of drops too quickly. I would suggest lengthening this line or shortening the other so that they work together better.
We clash with sharpened sword,
Tooth against fang and nail. Both of these last line had very good rhythms, and I liked them, but the last line seemed really Redwall-ish. I don't know if you want to edit that."

"Team against team,
For the win." Team against team sounds kind of weird right here, because it the first line you're talking about swords and such, but "teams" sound more like a sport. Honestly, I can't think of a better word, but if you are smarter than me (which probably isn't hard) you can probably come up with a good word. (Hmm, am I being too modest, and crossing out the "I am vain online" thing in my signature?? )

"Rivalry. Again...
Some say it's a lasting friendship, between us and them. I love this, how you say the opposite of what you said at the start. Beautifully done.
The long and hard struggle to understand. Again, this kind of drops. You may have meant to do this, as I have seen good poetry/poets that do this. I'm just not a fan of it.
We bond with word of mouth,
Peace within our ranks. Again, your rhythm is good, but "Peace within our ranks" doesn't really make say. Try "There is peace within...""

"Heart against human heart,
For the final win." Here you did a great job, and I have no edits.

Like I said before, you did a very good job on this, and I think that you wrote it well. Your rhythm, I think, is off... but it's not terribly bad. I love the "FTW" idea. I have a few edits, but don't listen to me if you don't want to, because often it's just about personal preference, and my personal preference is very picky, and quite obviously, not perfect. Thanks for posting a good poem, I enjoy reading things of good quality.

Keep writing!

Teh Wozzinator

Heh, I thought of "FTW!" as well.

Right now you've got a spark; touch it up and it could be a Roman candle.

My main goat with this is that you almost have too many words. I think you need to work on your phrasing and enjambment a little because right now this reads like prose that's stretched over several lines. The "Some say..." lines come across a little like you're spoon-feeding your audience; I feel like you could say less here in order to say more.

The whole thing has a kind of epic cadence and I would like to see you build on that. Perhaps construct it around your "fighting tooth and nail" and "clash with sharpened sword" images; those are the strongest parts of the poem, in my opinion. Yay poem!

...I, too, went "FTW!" the second I saw this.

My main problem with this poem is that it doesn't sound like a poem. It sounds like prose. What's worse, it sounds like boring prose...like an essay. It's like you're just spitting out a definition of "rivalry" and fighting and war, with simple, cliche descriptions of each.

Think, how can I present this idea in a unique way? You want to surprise your reader, make him think, make him question what he believes and what he's reading.

My suggestion is to present a specific situation in which rivalry is an underlying message. Show two friends fighting or two teams in competition, or, if you really want to get into it, a battle.

But never come out and say, "I'm talking about rivalry here, people, and this is what it means." That's one of the worst things you can do in a poem. You want your reader to "get it" himself. If you come out and say it, that takes all the fun out of reading the poem.

Remember: A reader wants to construct a meaning for himself; he does not want to be lectured!

Keep at it!
-Colleen

I read your poem and I felt like typing out FTW!!!! haha

I liked this. It was really nice and I liked how you set it up. The repitition didn't bug me and that's good. Your rhythm is something I think you need to work on. It didn't flow to well for me. I kept feeling like it was needing something.

But all in all, I liked it. Good Job, Lupe. ^_^


Love,
Lindsay