Published April 4, 2009
SORRY THERE'S A FEW ERRORS, I KNOW BUT I WAS IN A RUSH SO YEA.
PART 2
Julia sat in her history class dying of boredom. Bu it was her last class before she went home, so she didn’t really care. She watched the clock as time went past. Before she knew it, school was already over.
Julia slowly walked out of her class to her locker. As she exchanged her books, Samantha came up behind her. “Hey Julia,” said Sam. A big smile came across Samantha’s face, “Do you want to come over to my house today so we can hang out or something?”, asked Samantha. Julia was shocked. Sam asked her if she wanted to hang out? It was several seconds before Julia replied, ”Uhhm. Sure that’d be awesome.” Samantha's happy smile returned back to her face.
Julia and Samanha walked out of their school towards Samantha’s black Range Rover. Julia forgot that Samantha was a senior, so she already had her license. “Hop in,” said Samantha as she unlocked her driver side door. I wonder why Samantha all of a sudden wanted me to come over today, Julia thought to herself. But she didn’t think more of it on the way to her house, unsure of what to expect.
As her and Samantha walked up the stairs to her apartment building, Julia could hear a little girl screaming.
It was coming from Samantha’s apartment.
Julia looked at Samantha. She had a worried look on her face like something was wrong.
Sam pulled out her house key and opened the door. Their house smelled of lavender Fabreeze as Julia walked in. She could hear Samantha’s little sister throwing a tantrum in her bedroom as her Mother walked out with a surprised look on her face.
“Who’s this?” , asked Samantha’s Mom quite rudely as she sat down on the couch, obviously trying to tone out the crying.
“This is Julia. Mom, Julia. Julia, Mom. Are you hungry?” , asked Samantha, not waiting for her Mom’s reply. Julia shyly waved and grinned at her Mom.
“Uhhm. Just a little bit,” said Julia, unsure of what to say. Samantha grabbed two Cokes from the refrigerator and put some Bagel Bites in the microwave. As they both waited for their food to cook, Samantha’s Mom suddenly got up, and said, “Sam, I’m going to the grocery store. Watch Jenna and Sophia should be home from her tutoring by 3.”
And with that, she was out the door.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
137,476 Literary Works • 672,034 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.
First Impression: Well first of all sorry that I did not read part 1 of this. I must have somehow missed it or it just isn't in the short story section. And well this part appears to be pretty darn good. I would definitely keep reading this and this scenes like a fairly well done little scene here packed with quite a bit of mystery that you've snuck in there.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okay personally feel that this is too much to pack into the opening of something. It seems to be just a little too much stuff and that makes it seem unnecessarily fast paced which does not help when it comes to having a good opening.
Okay this part I like, its a nice little scene and we get to see what may be the sort of characters that Samantha and Julia are and maybe about their lives because of how surprised Julia is that Samantha invited her. This part definitely does intrigue me a bit. I think this would have been a better place to start things off to really get people wanting to read on further.
Okay well the little bit of exposition there about Samantha...I mean its not like a bad thing exactly, its just not a hundred percent necessary to put in there because very few people are going to notice that detail...of course its still not too disruptive to the flow so keeping it in is fine to.
Oooh now that is some good foreshadowing there to tell us that something is maybe about to happen.
I feel like the house could use maybe just a little bit more description there.
Well that was an abrupt ending to that...now I really want to know what happens next. I hope that you've published more parts of it on here so that I can read on about this.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall it was a pretty interesting little short and especially the title is pretty intriguing. I'll definitely be trying to read more of it. You also did a pretty decent job of showing Samantha and Julia here and we get at least a little bit of a sense for their personalities although a little bit more would be nice. And that's about all I have to say for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
No it isn't about me and her. It sort've is but it isn't
that sounds hekka like you and jazz. is it??
So yea it does have spelling and grammer errors but im only reviewing it cuz im bored. but this was good keep writing.
if she came up behind her wouldnt sam be talking first you could say; "Hey Julia," Sam said, Julia jumped a little.
there should only be one apostraphe.
Samantha.
write that, I wonder why Samantha all of a sudden wanted me to come over today
write it, on the way to her house
you know whats wrong.
on the what the couch, the chair, the elephant??
OK hold the phone, that doesnt make any sense.
so that was good i like the story continue.
The last sentence
Watch your Jenna and Sophia should be home from her tutoring by 3.”
is confusing. rewrite it so its proper grammar. Also there was some misspells and grammar errors but it was good. Write some-more!!