Published May 9, 2009
Please Listen
I feel I'm not good enough to be called your daughter.
You say I must do better,
to succeed,
to be successful.
But I don't know what to do.
All these voices
drowning my hearing,
guiding me down different paths.
Please listen to what I'm saying.
I'm too upset for you to judge me,
too much to care.
Please listen to what I'm saying.
I'm telling you what's wrong,
I just want to be me,
not what you want me to be.
But please,
just listen.
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141,616 Literary Works • 675,167 Reviews
Hi Layla! I'm Kat, nice to meet you, and I will review your piece!
Stanza by stanza!
The opening is not very good. I'm sorry, but it's not very captive. It sounds like it's going to be a poem of you lamenting about your misfortune.
Also, the first line is too long. If you want to keep a certain flow or rhythm, you have to keep a steady line length or syllable count.
The forth line is a repetition of the third, and it doesn't work. Either replace it some other, or consider cutting it out.
Again, I'm sorry, but the first line is a bit boring, compared to the rest of the stanza, that is much more interesting.
Comma after 'voices'.
Much better! It's starting to get interesting.
Com after 'please'. Good! Now, you have strength! Your standing up to your fears! I can get much more out of these two lines.
Comm after 'please'. Trade the period, at the end of the first line, to a comma.
Trade the comma on the second to a period.
The two following lines are so cliche, dear! Try to find a way to tell me, the reader, that you want to be yourself, and not what the others instruct you to be. Make it original!
The two last lines are simple and nice.
Overall: This poem, overall the mistakes, is nice. It can be much better; it has great potential!
But it's a bit imprecise. In some liens, you show yourself, as good and powerful. But then, your begging. This tells me you want to show yourself, but you're afraid to hurt someone (your mom I guess).
Oh, and I have been calling you, but it can be your poetical character
Now, revise, edit, ship shop here and there, and you'll do great!
Feel free to PM me if you need anything!
*Kat*
Hey, I'm glad to be the first to give the first review.
I really like what you're saying in this poem, and it's very well written. Just a few things.
You must have missed the t in want while typing.
Nit-pick: all the lines are capitalized, only sentances should be. It looks better that way.
Otherwise it is beutifully written. personaly I would add another stanza or two about how you feel, and why you're saying this, why you're saying this. It would add alot to the poem.But that's just me.
Grat poem.