Published March 14, 2010
I'm sorry I hadn't noticed it before,
the way you loved me and opened that door.
I was blinde to the way you held me close,
I got so caught up with myself and became engrossed.
Through the years you acted as my brother,
I never thought you'd possibly be my significant other.
Thank you,despite the things I couldn't see,
My heart is full of so much depression and agony.
I want you to forgive me for the love I half returned,
And I hope that your love for me has not adjourned.
For I shall wait for you, and time will tell.
From my heart, you will never be expelled.
OMG I wanted to name this poem the name of the guy I was talking about, but I wanted to do it backwards, but his name backwards is still his name. LOL!!
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Thank you Hannah, for your review. And no, I have not, ever, written rhyming poem. All my others are not rhyming because Its hard.
Hey, Layla!
The idea behind this poem is really sweet, and I can tell that it means a lot to you, or you wouldn't be writing about it. I do have a few suggestions for you.
First of all, do you normally write poetry? If so, is it normally rhyming? Rhyming poetry is hard to do, because we think it's easy. We think it's easy to just rhyme words and shove them into a poem, but when the reader can tell that you chose specific words just because they rhymed, something is wrong with the poem! We shouldn't be able to tell that you said 'significant other' instead of 'special someone' or various other descriptive terms JUST to rhyme it with 'brother'.
I'm not saying that you should throw this poem and its idea away, but I would like it if you would challenge yourself to write a free-form poem. No meter, no rhyme, just write the poem and the idea and focus on that. I was especially moved by this line:
It really embodies an idea that I think fits your whole poem. The kind of love that you're just realizing is something you've only half returned until now, and that's a powerful idea. Why don't you work a poem around the same idea, but use different ways to describe it?
If you don't want to try a free-form poem, I would suggest reworking the phrasing of this poem until it feels more natural. When you have to chop up and switch around sentences like this:
It feels wrong to the reader. Try to avoid that if you want to stick with rhyming!
Let me know if you have any questions, okay?
-Hannah-
awww, that's cute!