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Young Writers Society



Forever part 2

by Layla


Forever(part 2)

By:Layla

guys i totally hate this piece and was on the phone while writing this. so I'm going to rewrite.(DONT WASTE YOUR TIME READING IT....AT ALL. THE STORY WILL CONFUSE YOU IF YOU READ THIS.)

"We are gathered here today, to remember and mourn about Alexander Michael French. Here with us is his wife, Katie, and his four children, Annabel, Isabella, Owen, and Jacob, and all his brothers and sisters."

There was a long pause. As I wait for him to continue, I look around. I see everyone in dark shade of colors; blue, black, purple, brown. Every one's eyes puffy and pink, some with tears streaming down their face. Some crying silently, some into tissues, some walking out the church hall's doors so they could cry more freely. I haven't cried at all. I'm usually the one to cry first, being the youngest girl in the family.

"If anyone would like to say a few words about Alexander, they can do so now, if they would like to."

All my Dad's best friends from high school went up to tell stories, each of which would shed a few tears. All 16 siblings of my father went up also. After all of them went up to share, the priest went up and spoke again.

"Is there anyone else who would like to speak?'

No one volunteered.

"Well this has concluded our memorial. Tomorrow will be the burial of Alexander at 11:45 A.M."

Everyone sat for a while. Unsure of what to do. As everyone left, Owen blocked my way.

"Want me to drive you home?"

"Sure."

:D :D :D :D :D :D :D

"I understand how you're feeling Isabella."

"No, you don't. You weren't there when they came to our house. You didn't hear them say it."

Owen looked at me as we stopped at a stop sign.

"You're right.I didn't. But you can't hold that against me Bella. Let us be there now. We wanna be here for you; me, Jake, and Annabel."

We were pulling up to the driveway of my house. My mom, sister, and other brother made it home before we did.

"Why now, huh? Do you feel bad you never were before? I don't need your pity."

I jumped out the car and ran up the path to the front steps. I unlocked the front door with my house key and ran upstairs to my bedroom, to run away from everyone, and the things that came with it.

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Points: 2174
Reviews: 59

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Fri Dec 25, 2009 12:13 am
jessie2009 wrote a review...



Hi! How are you? Thamks for emailing me about the story!!


I see everyone in dark shade of colors; blue, black, purple, brown.

Alright, this sentence put me off. I thought you were talking about there bags under the eyes. Why don't you put dark shade of clothes, or something that hints clothes.


Every one's eyes puffy and pink, some with tears streaming down their face. Some crying silently, some into tissues, some walking out the church hall's doors so they could cry more freely

This had WAY to many of some.. All I read was some, some, and some. I just think it makes your story go down.

All my Dad's best friends from high school went up to tell stories, each of which would shed a few tears. All 16 siblings of my father went up also. After all of them went up to share, the priest went up and spoke again.

All, All. Think of some other words or put it diffrent.


*Wow, short funeral. Make the funeral scene longer. A funeral scene could be a whole chapter. Well, a long chapter. We need to know how people are feeling, not just looking. Explain. If you never been to a funeral, search it up on google. Google works great fo that stuff!



Everyone sat for a while. Unsure of what to do. As everyone left, Owen blocked my way This is just a whole bunch of short stences in a row. I would do something like this, "Everyone sat for a while, unsure of what to do. As the other people were leaving I was walking slower, I just needed some time to myself, when Owen blocked me way." Just a example. Many ways you could fix this!



"I understand how you're feeling Isabella."
Where's the facial expression, or voice in this sentence.


"No, you don't. You weren't there when they came to our house. You didn't hear them say it." Same as above!

"You're right.I didn't. But you can't hold that against me Bella. Let us be there now. We wanna be here for you; me, Jake, and Annabel."
Missing some spaces. And some extra spaces. LOL! Need a comma after me and before Bella. "We wanna be here for you; me, Jake, And Annabel." Okay, so her sister's name is Annabel and her name is Bella? That's kind of weird. And the sentence need changing to!


Alright, I can't really see everything that is going on. I don't know her name? I don't know what she looks like? And Owen all the soudends pops out! I don't know what the funeral settings look like. EXPLAIN MORE PLEASE!!!! Other then that it's okay. --Jessie.




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176 Reviews

Points: 18529
Reviews: 176

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Tue Dec 22, 2009 10:42 pm
Lena.Wooldridge wrote a review...



Hey, Layla! I'm excited to review your next part :D

Grammar
:arrow: Punctuation. In the second paragraph, it says:

I see everyone in dark shade of colors; blue, black, purple, brown.
The semicolon use in this is incorrect. It should read: I see everyone in a dark shades of colors: blue, black, purple, brown. You make this same mistake again where you say:
We wanna be here for you; me, Jake, and Annabel
. I'll let you fix that one yourself ;) (this sentence also doesn't not make any sense, you should review it, haha)
:idea: Keep in mind that both sides of a semicolon should be FULL SENTENCES. If they are not full sentences, try a comma or a colon.

:arrow: In your first paragraph, you need a colon.
Here with us is his wife, Katie, and his four children, Annabel, Isabella, Owen, and Jacob, and all his brothers and sisters.
. This should be changed to: Here with is his wife, Katie, and his four children: Annabel, Isabella, Owen, and Jacob, as well as all of his siblings.
:idea: When you are about to list something, you need a colon.

Word Choice and Sentence Structure
:arrow: You switch tenses throughout the story (I'm hoping you know what past and present tense are). For example, you start with
There was a long pause
, which is past tense. In the next sentence, you say:
As I wait for him to continue, I look around
, which is present tense. You must commit to one tense, then go back and edit, changing all your verbs to the correct tense.

:arrow:
All 16 siblings of my father went up also
. This could be changed to: All sixteen of my fathers siblings when up as well.
:idea: "Siblings of my father" is figurative speech(?), and should never be used. Another example of this is: "The music was written by Mozart", whereas the correct way of saying it would be: "Mozart wrote the music". Watch your writing for figurative speaking.
:idea: Numbers should always be spelled out, within reason.

Plot
:arrow: I'm having some issues with your funeral scene. Have you ever been to a funeral? You have failed to capture the emotions of such an event. Also, funerals are never that short. Ever. Trust me, I've been to over ten. PM me if you have any questions about funerals. Oh, and they usually burry the body that day, so it doesn't rot before they put it in the ground.

:?: Who the heck is Owen? You need to clarify.

:arrow: Also, it's a little strange that Alex would have 16 siblings.. "It's like throwing a hotdog into a hallway" (haha, sorry if you don't get that or find it crude).

:arrow: The anger that the MC (I dunno what her name is....! You only mentioned it like twice!) is very authentic, especially when she gets mad at Owen (her brother)?

Overall
The plot has not yet been established, too many characters are introduced to quickly, there are some minor grammatical errors, but it is still remarkably well written. The reader may get bored, as nothing too drastic happens, but yet again it may make them want to read more.


PM for questions, & review my work
Cheers,
-Lena





In dreams, we enter a world that's entirely our own.
— Albus Dumbledore