Hi, guys! I would sincerely love you to critique this one
-laydra
The Lion Kills
Hate is like the lion,
ripping into its prey
and destroying the
spirit, unrelenting
in its pursuit to destroy
both the hunter and the
hunted, severing the life
cord, causing many pains.
Hate is a lot like the lion,
fierce and controlling.
Hate is a lot like the lion,
for the lion kills.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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This poem sports an adequate metaphor. you did well but you should try a metaphor that's alittle more provacotive.
I myself have written poem on hatred but I put in an entirely different and revealed anew truth about it.
to write something is to teach someone.
I liked this because it has a strong message. The flow was good. There's sure a place for improvement so I'm counting on that.
My only big suggestion would be that you change the lion. Lions are animals that kill to eat, not to destroy something. Also because of tons of other words that can be in that place like (I don't know, this will be silly:? ...like murderer-where you can make some dark atmosphere).
Hope I helped.