The cup broke!
I wasn't to blame!
It was your fault,
yet you will for shame!
"You make me sick,"
you rant and rave,
and all I can think
about is the affection
I crave.
Why don't I make
you happy poppa?
Why can't I do
anything right?
Why is it that you don't
tuck me in at night?
Years from now
I'll remember this,
every moment of ill
treatment, but it'll
be to late to apologize
then because it wont
penetrate my bruised spirit.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hello.
Uhm, first, rhythm and flow was very choppy. Although I don't think that that's too major an issue if you get the message across fine. It's just that often when the rhtyhm goes choppy so does the message, ya know?
Anyway, I can't feel the emotions in this poem. I know them and I read them but it isn't very vivid so I don't sympathize with the character in the poem. This poem needs to be more vivid.
However, this was quite good. It's a great concept to write about.
Keep writing.
--Knightly
Hi Laydra! Welcome to YWS!
Rhyming
Punctuation
Emotion/Imagery
Good job.
Oh my, Selene has already covered almost everything, so I'd like to bring out your rhyming.
Aside from your grammatical errors, I have found three other big issues:
In a poem, it's nice to have rhymes. They make it more fun to read. But remember, they aren't mandatory. You can always do free verse. Anyway, when you do put rhymes into it, it's nice to have a certain scheme. Like:
A
B
A
B (or C)
Or:
A
B
B
A
There are many types of schemes, but these are the primary ones. You can always set your own scheme.
You don't have a conherent rhyming scheme, and I would advise you to put one, because I found it a bit hard to read in this way.
You have some signs of punctuation. Which is good, because many people are under the impression that poetry does not need punctuation. I'd advise you to put some more in. I agree with Selene's advise.
This poem was very deep, that I could notice. But I could only read about it, not actually feel it. In a poem, emotion is an important part. You should make the reader's feel what you felt.
Overall: This was quite good
PM me if you need anything!
*Kat*
i liked it but i agree with selenaforeverdream
Hello Layla! I shall be your reviewer for today.
Nit-Picks:
It seems that your missing some word after "will".
"To" should be too and "wont" needs an apostrophe. Also, "then" seems to be unneeded.
Instead of doing two lines in a row with an exclamation mark, a semi-colon would be better after "the cup broke". It should be like this:
"The cup broke;
but I wasn't to blame!"
Overview:
This piece was very deep, but it seems to be lacking emotion. You really need to express how hurt you are by your father, and let your true, deep emotions of hurt show more in your writing. It's a good piece, but with more detail and emotion it could be even better.