Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hi LawsonJ,
You've forced some really weird phrasing on some of your lines to fit the rhyme and it's ruined this poem for me.
Examples:
You would never normally write this. For one, you've missed out an "was" before "the". It reads really strangely and made me stop and have to reread it. Not a good thing!
This is the worst offender. Your line is actually "A captain who cannot control his ship" but you've changed it to fit the rhyme and in doing so have essentally made this line nonsensical.
There's others. It partly sees to be forced rhyme, and partly an attempt to mimic traditional poetry styles. Either way, I think it's ruining your expression.
I think the poem needs to be longer, too. The conflict is resolved so quickly and immediately than it ruins it, I think. I'd prefer a longer effort with a slower build-up to the big reveal. Right not, it's being robbed of its power by emerging too soon.
Hope this helps!
Thanks for the review. Those lines sounded a little grating as I wrote them, but I'm not overly used to writing rhyming poetry. I shall have a rewrite to create an easier flow to the whole thing. As to the poem being longer, I don't think that could work, as it's a sonnet, which tend not to exceed 14 lines.
Hey Lawson! I'm going to give you a quick review. I enjoyed your poem, it reminded me a lot of Edgar Allan Poe. I especially love the story it tells. However, there were a few things that seemed a little off to me.
In the third, I think you could find a better way to describe the creatures of the depth than 'weird'. Weird is sort of a vague and overused word. You might be able to find something more appropriate for this line.
In the fourth line, I think it would read better with a comma after 'worse'. I read it with the pause there, and for me it seemed to flow better. That's really just a minor thing, and it's great either way.
I enjoyed the fifth line, but the word order made it feel a little forced. It reads in an old time-y sort of way that I like, but it would probably flow better if you worded it differently.
Well, that's really all I have. You're poem was awesome, keep up the good work!
I appreciate the review, and agree with all your points. Changes shall be made accordingly. Cheers!