Published January 8, 2013
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140,874 Literary Works • 673,697 Reviews
I cannot give a masterful poetic review as some reviewers can. However, I am able to give you the general impressions I got from this poem.
I am a lover of classical poetry. When I read poetry from the modern era, it simply does not please me. I love classical poetry because of the words. The beautiful imagery. The sheer passion! And I must say, I received all of things from this poem. I love Greek mythology as well, so this poem was simply a god send. Your phrases made me want to cry. Not only were they perfectly written, they flowed rather nicely (I have a habit of reading all poetry aloud). This poem, to my, also had a very strange and exciting lyricism. I cannot explain it, but I think that this would make a beautiful song (I also listen to classical music). Overall, I was so pleased that I decided to read this poem. Thank you very much. Please, keep me posted on all your poetry in the future. I would love to read more. Happy Writing!
You're very kind. Thank you for the feedback.
Hello Lawson, I haven't had the chance to read any of your work and so I think it's definitely about time.
My first impression was that this poem was extremely interesting and I loved the Homeric style. Epic poetry is not something that can be found around this site very often.
Though your grammar and spelling were very good I just have a few suggestions about the way you organize your poem.
• The way this is organized is rather strange to me as the first sentence, I believe, should not be separated. I think this because when it's separated, it reads very unevenly and rather choppily. Also, the extra syllables you've gleaned from transporting those two words down a line are not worth it in the long run.
• If for some reason you are trying to emphasize these two words, then I don't think you need to. For example,
--> These are perfect lines to displace as "Butterfly wings" describe a perfect picture for the reader to dwell on in relation to the first sentence.
• The difference is that in the first example, "Beside me" was a necessary descriptor for the first line whereas "Butterfly wings" can easily act as an outstanding idea.
• I really don't like this sentence. Using the gerund "piercing" does not work with this sentence as it confuses the meaning of it. Try a different word order to clarify yourself.
Though I though this was a very interesting poem and it's content both reminds the reader of historical literature and remains relevant in the modern era. However, some of the rhyming sounds forced and some of your flow is compromised by your attempt to adhere to your rhyme scheme. Please consider these comments,
Thanks,
Threnody
Thanks for the review. I agree with you on most points, especially on the first two sentences. But would you mind, perhaps, clarifying exactly what you meant displacing 'butterfly wings'? I'm afraid I didn't quite follow.