Yep. Here it is.
___
The torrid golden halo hangs high in the sky,
A lazy horizon ripples like a Double Dutch skipping rope,
Some cacti, dully green, lean to the right, twisted by the desert wind,
And there goes the solitary tumbleweed, bopping along the dunes.
It leaves a flying path of sand, like deadened fairy dust,
Its million legs scramble for the ground, leaping,
Now a wispy yellow breeze throw him forward, tempestuously,
And there goes the solitary tumbleweed, bopping through Satan's land.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,856 Reviews
Hello there, Lav.
I'll be your reviewer for today even if do not want me to. XD
This is a great poem. With beautiful imagery and a detailed description of the scene out there.
I have got some nitpicks, which I think could be of some help.
A perfect start. I could not have imaged a more beautiful start than you have given to this poem. Horizon being called lazy and being compared to Double Dutch rope; it's just pure awesomeness.
In the third line the description was really vivid and great but I think that it should be 'leans to the right' rather than 'lean to the right'.
Deadened fairy dust? Deadened does not sound good over here. You are using both fairy and deadened both at the same time so it feels a bit awkward while reading it. In the second line it will be, 'It's million legs'. And I got a bit confused in the second line here. What are you trying to say by, million legs scramble for the ground?
In the third line it will throws him as inkwell already mentioned. And you used 'him' over here but you already used 'it' at the starting of the line. So, use any one of them, either it or him. And yet again a perfect ending to it but then also it felt that it was a bit short. You could have described the story of the Tumbleweed a bit more. Try adding a few stanzas to it.
Keep writing.
*92*
Punctuation and grammar corrections/suggestions that I feel clarify your poem. Your poem is very nicely worded and paced, giving it rhythm and making it sound beautiful out loud. The format is unique to me, but worked well. Great use of "torrid," and the Double Dutch analogy. I very much enjoyed your piece.