So, I was inspired by the executioner from Harry Potter, MacNair. However, no background in Harry Potter is needed to understand this. I only took the character's name and profession. Everything else is merely my imagination at work. Also, big thanks to PenguinAttack and ScarlettFire for helping me in its outcome so far <3
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Glaring serrated edge, in the hand of a black-clad beast,
And upon the grated cobblestones, the moon casts an eerie glow,
MacNair nears his feast, bulky boots dragging.
Yellow lamps flicker out, the axe’s wicked edge flashing,
A forever threat in this dark man’s large, rough hand,
And he trudges with a smile upon his cracked and bleeding lips.
A decrepit shack emerges at the alley’s end,
Candle aflame in the window, figures pass it by,
MacNair moves closer, prepared to strike the unsuspecting silhouettes.
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For simple curiosity, here is what it looked like before I revised it with Pengu:
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Why hello there, sorry about the brief delay on this. But, here I am! Now then, you've made some excellent revisions already, just thought I'd set your mind at rest and agree that the new version is better. There's more genuine feeling in it, a stronger flow and a few lines in the old one made me cringe just a little so I'm going to ignore that now :p I still think your flow could be helped though. At the moment, it's a little slow and steady which doesn't reflect the action of this piece. I want to see you make it more raw, more refined in a less refined sort of way if that makes any sense xD I shall try to explain:
Glaring serrated edge, in the hand of a black-clad beast, [This is a little too observational. I don't think the tone fits. It's like there's some person watching which might have worked if you'd made this person more overt and opinionated but as it is, you've got too distant a view! Your first line is also a tad fragmented which harms your flow. I'd suggest: 'There is a serrated edge, in the hand of a black-clad beast' which has more rhythm to it, it bounces along in a way that's almost jolly but the plosive and sibilance give it a nice touch of sinister. Try reading them both out loud.]
And upon the grated cobblestones, the moon casts an eerie glow, [You could have some fun here. Where's the excitement in this image? You take a lovely verb and don't do it justice. Grated. Just the sound of it is so nice but it would be even better with a strong image. Why not mix your words up? Try something like: 'And grated upon the cobblestones are segments of the satire moon'.]
MacNair nears his feast, bulky boots dragging.
Yellow lamps flicker out, the axe’s wicked edge flashing,
A forever threat in this dark man’s large, rough hand, [I don't like the use of forever and I shant play with your wording anymore but yeah. Forever. It isn't sinister enough here and it tries too hard with that touch of the cliche. Do we really need to know that this guy is going to be threatening tomorrow and the day after that and then the day after... no. If you show his current fearsomeness enough then we don't.]
And he trudges with a smile upon his cracked and bleeding lips. [I'm not sure about trudges. That makes me think of someone dragging their feet, looking down. Someone who's tired and knows they still have a long way to go before they get home. I don't know. It just brings me to mind worn old men or tired country boys or long journeys through the rain when you're low and you just really don't have the energy.]
A decrepit shack emerges at the alley’s end, [Too passive. Where's the passion and the action?]
Candle aflame in the window, figures pass it by,
MacNair moves closer, prepared to strike the unsuspecting silhouettes.[Silhouettes. A very lovely choice of word, keep that in.]
I feel that for a poem about action and with a sinister subject, this is lacking the feeling behind the words. You should look into how poems use rhythm and literary devices, like alliteration or sibilance, to provide atmosphere for their readers. With that said though, I like your subjects matter, I quite often like your choice of language when it's suitably dark. I'd just like to see you do more with this.
Well good luck and if you have any questions or would like me to see a revised version etc. just drop me a PM.
Heather xxx
Very strange inspiration. Random. But kudos for the poem.
Wow! This is a great poem guys, I love how you described MacNair here. The tone of this poem is very unsettling - IN A GREAT WAY! Those 3 stanzas are so awesome, I can't even pick a favorite out of them. Okay well, maybe all 3 are my favorite. The dark feel of this poem is just awe-inducing, you guys did great on this. I expect more poems like this. Have a time guys!
~Vitty
Its...wow. The description is so intriguing. I love that in this poem. I read Harry Potter and I know who MacNair is, but I don't think others would. Still I like that you give that creepy vibe in this poem that I've always felt with MacNair. I like it a lot and I wouldn't change a thing about it.