Flash Fiction

This is just something that I wrote on the spot during my lunch break. There's nothing really introduced plotwise/storywise, so take it and do anything you wish with it.

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I sat quietly in the classroom. All around me were my peers, their pencils squeaking across the page. My own blue mechanical one was held still in my hand, and there were no marks scratched over the lines. The page was blank, my mind was blank.

I glanced up as Ms. Lloyd’s small shape floated over to me. Her eyes passed over my empty paper and she looked up to meet my eyes with admonishment. She shook her head slightly and moved behind me to my friend, Sara. I sighed.

I had nothing to write on my sheet. The words formed well within my mind, but as soon as my writing utensil touched the page, the words would sprawl messily about, mocking me. I hated, just hated, essays. I’d memorized the format, the question. I’d written many practice responses, but as soon as I passed through the English classroom threshold, it was death.

In my head, I’d always been good at words, as well as expelling them. My friends always said I told the best stories, had lovely prose. That was my strong point, not writing, no matter how hard I worked at fluidity and wording and formatting.

Ms. Lloyd’s small timer beeped obnoxiously and everyone rose together, moving in a herd toward the teacher who stood static at the front. Her hands were palms up, papers piling high upon them like the leaning tower of Piza. I came up last, the thin white sheet feeling heavy in my hands. I silently dropped it into the pile and I turned quickly away so I didn’t have to bear Ms. Lloyd’s torturous look. I shuffled back to my seat and plopped down ungracefully. I turned in my seat to talk to Sara, but all she did was frown reprovingly.

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User avatar
MUCHO
Review
MUCHO wrote a review · Sat Feb 05, 2011 6:25 am

There is art in the style when compared to how and when you wrote this. The bland sentence structure (only commas and periods) expresses a sense of boredom and blankness which is what you apparently felt. And since you just "wrote on the spot during my lunch break..." I wont get too nitpicky-but I think I have some ideas for your sentences...

"All around me were my peers, their pencils squeaking across the page. My own blue mechanical one was held still in my hand, and there were no marks scratched over the lines." Here you waste breath and flow and ink with insignificant words like "all" in the first clause and "own," in the second, among others. This is what I would do-

Around me sat my peers, their pencils squeaking with activity. Yet mine was unmoving, and no words were seen on my page. -now you have more space to better elaborate on the scene or your feelings while still displaying the same basic scene-you may think that describing the color and type of your pencil isn't anything to truly think about, but the pencil isn't important, and I think it gives the piece too much significance. Maybe describe why your mind was blank.

"I glanced up as Ms. Lloyd’s small shape floated over to me. Her eyes passed over my empty paper and she looked up to meet my eyes with admonishment. She shook her head slightly and moved behind me to my friend, Sara. I sighed."-too many she, me, mine, her ext.

Glancing up I percieved Ms. Lloyd's small (definetely a stronger adjective there) shadow (a sense of this burden floating over you, that can't really touch you, which is why you don't try harder) floating over me (or enveloping me)-her eyes passed over my paper. They met mine with astonishment-she shook her head slightly. As she moved on to my friend Sara, I sighed.

All in all, this is promising, and I tell you, I get the exact same feeling at school, especially in math class, almost every day! I know how you feel :) It reads like you wrote it during lunch. :)

User avatar
BondGirl007
Review

Hey Lav! Hope here for a review!

It's a super short piece, and pretty well written, but the biggest thing for me is that there's really no meat to it.
It's kind of just a look into someone's thoughts for a short period of time. There's no conflict, no suspense, no feeling, no emotion! These are the things that really drive writing, and when I read this it's just kind of meh. It's not that entertaining, it's okay writing wise, but it has no deeper meaning behind it.

I suppose you could add more on to it, turn it into a short story of sorts, but if I were you I'd just keep this as kind of a writing exercise sort of thing. You could always do a couple more short exercises like this and kind of string them together, but that's up to you. But like I said, I see this as sort of a singular thing, but if you do wind up adding more, PM me and I'll look at it :).

The only thing I really had a problem with was the ending. It seems like you just kind of stopped, it's not really an ending that's like Boom, you know it's the end. I'd like it to be slightly more impacting, it could even be some fake fluffy garbage that just sounds good. But the ending you have now I really am not a fan of.

So that's pretty much it! Hope I helped :).

~Hope



it's ok, death by laughter was always how i've wanted to go out
— Carina