Very short. Wrote it during my spare. What do you think? It's based off a real place and a real event that happened to me 
Think of the bee!
~
It is a beautiful wooden platform, embraced on the left by a stubby tree. The tree is more like a twisted trunk that sprouts miniature branches and leaves. They arrive during the hot months. They live on until the summer season is over, and when none of us can visit until the next holiday.
I remember sitting in a deck chair with flowered cushions, greedily snatching up black olives and the delicious sausage from the local butcher. The twisted trunk to the left and the surrounding vegetation shade us from the burning sun and a slightly damp towel lies abandoned on the tree. I went swimming in the lake this morning.
A fat wasp buzzes near, sensing the sweet lime cordial drink in front of me and the numerous fruits on the plate. Anxiously, I throw my handful of olives onto the plate and run screaming down the lawn barefoot, the wind whipping by and cooling my flushed face.
I end up before the legendary lake, my toes curling into the rough shore. Sharp sticks and stones prod into the soles of my feet. Tough green weeds poke right up, unmoving against the chill breeze.
The waters of the lake ripple gently in the wind, dark and mysterious. Calling me in. In the distance, a looming land throws its shadow on the lake. When I was little, I thought it was an island, but now I know it is only part of the earth I now stand on.
One foot creeps into the icy waters and the hairs on my arms prick up as I realise the coldness of the misty water. Still, I dip in the other foot, readying my hands to pull my skirt up above my knees for the deeper part of the lake. Soon I am up to my thighs in water, the hem of my skirt soaked. I have two choices: to head out of the water or dive in, clothes and all.
I decide on the latter. I walk farther in so I can dive under without taking a gash to my head. I ready myself for the cooling dive.
I plunge into the water, my arms pointed like an arrowhead and my legs stretched out in the back. The cold-looking water seems suddenly lukewarm to me and I paddle freely on my back.
I lower my legs from the lake’s surface down into the water. I’ve gone far enough out that my feet don’t touch the slimy, algae-covered rocks. It’s a comfort to me, but yet I am still paranoid about the fishy creatures that lurk in this body of water. The idea of it scares me out of the water, but I am not scared out of this beautiful place.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,856 Reviews
I'll take into account all your feedback.
One thing I must say: this piece is actually a place that I've been, and done. The MC is me
Thanks.
I love this but one part seems really info-dumpish...
Either that or it just doesn't fit in for me.
I liked the voice and the descriptions.
Kudos
Biffle
I'm super impressed by some of these descriptions. The place you speak of is indeed beautiful, but that's not all. I get calm. So calm that something a simple as a bee buzzing and set everything off balance. However, the piece still seems unfinished. I was thinking it's because it's in present tense. Perhaps throw it into the past. "I remember when we blah blah blah" is a bit stronger than present. But it's totally up to you!
The entire thing struck me as quite choppy. There's no real transition between one paragraph to the next, or even between sentences. For example:
Who or what is "they"? After rereading it a couple times, I figured out that you were referring to the branches and leaves, but you need to be more clearer. I also found the repetition of "the tree" unnecessary. I suggest rewriting the paragraph to something more like this:
I think this flows much better, though it's still not perfect.
Another thing that caught my eye was your word choice in places. For example, I'm not sure "embraced" is the best word to use in the first paragraph, and "anxiously" is far too mild a word to describe a screaming reaction.
I think the main issue with your flow is that you pile so many adjectives together and try to describe everything at once. To be honest, though, I really have no idea what the place looks like other than there's a lake, a dock, and a gnarly, bush-like tree. I can't visualize the beauty. I suggest going through and picking out which details of the scene are the most important, and which ones can be left out. This way, you can focus on describing the bits that are important without distracting the reader with details that aren't important.
I hope that was helpful. :D
Wow! I really enjoyed this. You really extended the idea of a beautiful place , writing with lots of adjective which I felt were just right word choice.
It’s a comfort to me, but yet I am still paranoid about the fishy creatures that lurk in this body of water.
This is the only sentence I didn't wholly agree with. It seems forced, a little awkward, maybe tweak it a bit? Also, I would've liked to see personal connections of the mc's point of view of this beautiful place. Not only describing what the place looks like but also what the mc has experienced there. You did that in this sentence- (but I'd like to see more)
I remember sitting in a deck chair with flowered cushions, greedily snatching up black olives and the delicious sausage from the local butcher.
Make the story alive! Make the readers really feel why the mc loves this place so much. Good luck!