Published September 12, 2010
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141,302 Literary Works • 674,338 Reviews
Hi LaurynMitchell,
This isn't working out.
Listen. If you want to portray a "two-sides-to-every-coin" type of poem, then it might be helpful to actually talk about the two sides rather than stuff your 11-line piece with half baked, morose imagery and hope that the reader is smarter than the narrator of this poem.
As it stands, we get a weak theme followed by very biased descriptions. You try to include a sense of hopeful uncertainty; "two chapters of life", "for better or worse", "whether ready or not" - these are all telling the reader that some may find this an exciting time and some may find it intimidating.
And after that... no conflict. It's all downhill, talking about voids, "only... alphabet and algebra" (clearly intended to be downcast), "forced into the world". None of this is portraying the dualistic tendency of life-changing events that you wanted to express into these words.
Take this shell that's ostensibly a poem, and fill it with some actual substance and conflict. You've told the reader that there are multiple viewpoints - now prove it by using appropriate imagery (some ascending emotionally and some descending) and examples if necessary. Such a one-sided poem as this one is eventually going to capsize and sink to the bottom of the ocean if you don't plug in all of the holes fast.
Hope that helped,
Galerius
I really like the line breaks a lot. And the punctuation.That might sound dumb, but it made it flow so smoothly and easily... I didn't even notice. The second line throws me off, just because it's a line you here people quote at you a lot. But I like how the end leaves it a little open.
I like this, partially because I can still remember my own graduation, heh.
I disagree with the previous comments - I feel you should keep "Life's persistent current" and "Whether ready or not" as they are - they sound more concise and, because of it, mature.
- You should add a semi-colon (or period, though I'd favor the semi-colon here) after 'dreams' for otherwise the sentence is illogical. Minor detail though.
Overall, a good crisp summation of the feelings most of us have at graduation, and a nice poem!
I would have to agree with the latter statement. The two insertions would in fact increase the flow of the poem. Excellent imagery as well!
Hi :]
I really liked the way you described the moment and the importance of graduation so simply. It was short and sweet. I mean, graduation is a huge thing and you can probably go on and on about memories and future plans but you found a way to condense such a heavy topic into a simple poem.
The only two things I found were...
1.
You should insert and "is" after "Life's" because right now, the expanded sentence is, (I really liked the imagery here, by the way.)
2.
This line sounds a bit awkward and stubby beside the rest of the poem. I think you should add "we're" after "whether".
Anyways, great poem. Keep writing. :]
-Ace