Cliche

by LaurynMitchell

Published October 31, 2010

How many times can I look in your eyes
and still find something new?
How many ways can I say the phrase
“I love you,” because, really, I do?

You listen to me when I ramble on;
You hold me when I cry.
You smile at my eccentricities
and my fears you brush aside.

My life felt incomplete ‘til now.
By myself, I wandered through life.
You came along, and I changed my song,
Now the world looks happy and bright.

How many times can I look in your eyes
and care so much about you?
How can I say something so cliche
and believe it to be completely true?

Comments & reviews · 6
User avatar
LaurynMitchell
Comment
LaurynMitchell commented Comment · Nov 4, 2010

Thank you, everyone, for your comments! I really appreciate them. :) In terms of the rhyme scheme, I really just wanted it to have a strong rhythm, regardless of whether it rhymes or not. I hope it's not too sporadic, though. XD

User avatar
Quackermoo Review
Quackermoo wrote a review Review · Nov 4, 2010

Yes. Review time xD
The rhyming, could be better, as said before. I have had this feeling, of truly loving somebody, and being positive it's true. I know what it feels like to be payed attention to, to share that feeling, that glorious feeling. I could totally walk through the story in my head. It was really good. It's not up to me to tell you if you had a good poem, or a bad one. If it came from the heart, it's should be the perfect poem in your eyes, It's not up to someone else to tell you if you loved your poem or not, it's your poem, Like it.

User avatar
kyleb06
Review
kyleb06 wrote a review Review · Nov 2, 2010

Hi my name is Kyle and I'll gladly review your poem.

I have a very close friend and it is kind of like the poem with us (only I ramble, though.) I liked the poem very much. You should keep with it. My only criticism is that it should be longer.

TheTruthLiesWithin wrote a review Review · Nov 1, 2010

Hey Lauryn!

So I'll review this poem of yours with my comments in bold and changes I suggest in red :)

How many times can I look into your eyes
And still find something new?
How many ways can I say the phrase
“I love you,”? Because I really do. The question is not if you do or not, it's how many times you can say the phrase... it's a bit confusing if you put the question mark at the end, but I'm not sure if it works where I've put it...

You listen to me when I ramble on;
You hold me when I cry.
You smile at my eccentricities
But my fears you brush aside. I feel 'but' feels better here because it feels like you wrote that he smiles at her eccentricities and her fears.

My life felt incomplete ‘til now.
By myself, I wandered through it.There's no need in repeating 'life' here.
But you came along, and I changed my song,
Now the world looks happy and bright.

How many times can I look into your eyes
And care so much about you?
How can I say something so cliche
And believe it to be completely true?


Alrighty, the rhyming is a bit iffy... I'm not sure if you meant for it to be that way but you're rhyming in some places and not in others. In blue, I've put the rhymes but I think it'd be really cute if it all rhymed. I know sometimes it's hard to find words that fit well together but I think it'd be nice with this story :)
Overall, I thought it was cute. The title drew me in and it was cliche in a cute way :) I loved it.
Keep writing!

-Truth-

User avatar
Apple
Review
Apple wrote a review Review · Oct 31, 2010

I just want to mention, I love your avvie. It's so funny! I was practically toppling out of my chair. But anyway, back to the review!

My name is Apple, and I am your reviewer for today.

I like the way you used emotion to portray the emotions that wizz around this poem. It really lets me imagine a picture and I am quite capitvated. As I've mentioned in many other reviews, I'm not to good at poetry or lyrics for that matter so my review may not be worth while! But that's just to warn you, okay.

Anyway, one fault I thought you need to change was the way you made it rhyme. For some reason that just makes me think of other cliche poems that don't really do anything to more mature readers. Me on the other hand, I love rhyming, but if I think of older, more experience poetry people I don't think they'd really like the fact.

But placing that fact aside, this was great!

Keep going,

Apple!



I'll actually turning 100 soon
— Ari11