Published August 14, 2011
Fate dragged a long, blackened talon through the throbbing organ in James’ chest. It spat back at him, droplets of blood splattering onto his grinning face. Under Fate’s hand, James convulsed wildly. He screamed, a hoarse scream doused in grief that burned the back of his throat as it welled inside him.
Fate smirked, dragging his claw across James’ heart to complete the curved pattern that gave it its name. The jagged wound oozed warm, black blood from its seams with each spasm of his chest. Blood sprayed upwards as James fought back, his heart forcing its way out of its flesh prison, exploding through the open wound. His whole body shook violently; his eyes clamped shut, his scream intensified. He called out her name, voice croaking to silence at the last syllables. Fate moved his hand down, signing one last word into the pulsating wound: Rose.
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138,303 Literary Works • 672,100 Reviews
Ah k, let's go.
Not a bad start. I think you could use pronouns for this entire piece. It's so short and as far as I can see there are only two (one?) characters. With that in mind you can call him him and from there we can decide who he is. As it stands including a name doesn't add anything and pigeon holes the reader into the assumption that he is like other 'James' ' if that makes sense? hope so.
This is probably the least effective line of the story. It is wordy and a little annoying. A hoarse scream, it can be assumed, is doused in grief, does burn the back of the throat, does well inside.
So you could just say, 'he let out a hoarse scream.' And it would produce the same effect. You have to be a little more aggressive about editing, edit like an editor. That is to say, after you write, let it sit and come back to it fresh, treat it as though someone else wrote it and take to it with a cleaver. You can do away with a lot of the description, I would begin with the line above.
This doesn't make sense to me? gave what what name? And ten seconds ago it was a talon now a claw? there is a difference.
All in all I think this is gruesome and should be at least rated 16. I think you do well with the description in general, and perhaps it would work well in a regular story, but it doesn't belong here. You have too few words to be this descriptive, you need to quickly take us from point A to Point B, changing us, leaving us with something. With only 150 words you don't have time to harp on about blood and gore unless it is intrinsic to the denouement. Unless it amplifies the effect, but the effect must first exist - the effect being enlightenment or challenging an opinion/ asserting an idea. I think, you do tell a great story and your writing itself is great, but where you fail is doing something special with the theme. It's a shame, because you clearly are a great writer but you need to do more than just take us through this bizzare ritualistic scene, we need to see motive and explanation, not just a seemingly arbitrary act.
Hope that helps! and good luck!
EDIT: I just read one of your responses, to me James was being killed? but apparently not. Your explanation does clear it up alot and makes it a story, rather than a scene. That been said, a story shouldn't require an authors note to clarify it, to make it a decent read, it should stand up alone. I am a lot happier with this piece now that I have an idea what the hell is going on, I must say!
Thank you Priceless
I really am shocked by the response this simple piece has received. I am really grateful, thanks people!
Beautiful. Simply beautiful
Thanks for all the replies guys, it means a lot!
Now that this story has been explained that makes it even better. I would not have gotten that on my own. This is even more amazing now! Honestly, it is.
Hey guys, thanks for all your advice!
I think I will split it into paragraphs, I've never written flash fiction before so I don't really know all the techniques.
This was for a contest, and my topic was death/life after death/the effect of death. To explain... Fate was chosen deliberately as essentially Fate is not so much destiny but more the consequence of something. James loves Rose. Her 'death' (implied, not necessarily a fact) is the consequence of their love. Fate signs his heart with her name as a physical reminder of the emotional pain will have to endure for the rest of his own life. In a nutshell, his lady is gone and Fate is taking the p*ss.
EDIT: James isn't dead, not at all. It's just a culmination of the grief, sorrow, sadness one feels when someone that close dies. The emotional effect her death has had on him is so extreme it is physically torturing him.
I always get reviews from people saying they are confused lol. I think I need to work on clarity a bit more... but thanks for all your input guys, it is much appreciated as always!
Merry Summer-Christmas!
Hello Laura,
I agree with everyone above me about the whole paragraphing spacing thing but, other than that very small thing, nothing seems to be in the wrong with your story. It is extremely well written and I loved reading it.
There is still some mystery behind why had to die in such a harsh manner. What exactly did he do that was so horrible that the punishment was to have his heart carved out of his chest? Onigiri had a good point and I was following along until I realized that Fate was a 'he' so she can't be a girlfriend out for revenge. It's sad really because now I have no idea why. Maybe it was just his time to go.
Anyway, I really loved this and hope to see more of your short stories on this site.
Hello Laura!
Well I have to say I absolutely loved the description in this! It wasn't too overbearing but just enough that I knew what was happening. Congratulations to that. But I am also a bit confused as to what's happening. Is Fate the girl, Rose? Or is Rose another person and Fate is his own guy.
What I'm thinking is that Fate is like "Fate", you know? What's destined to happen. And Fate is Rose and the screaming guy under her screwed her over in some way so she decided to carve out his heart. Maybe she ripping his heart out because he ripped hers out, metaphorically of course.
I may be dead on or completely off. I don't know, it will remain a mystery.
I do agree with what Boo said abour paragraphs. This does look a bit jumbled together, but this is well written. I really liked it. You get a star.
OnigiriChan
Heya! This is really good, very descriptive
I'm guessing this is just a random descriptive piece, yeah? Do correct me if I'm wrong. Your description is wonderful and so vivid! Poor James!
I also like the name 'Fate'. Did you chose it because what is happening to him is destiny, or was it just random choice? Either way it works really well!
I do agree with Boo though, you are allowed to paragraph.
Great job! PM me or post on my wall if you have any queries, Midnight x
Hey Laura!
Overall I liked the story, but you can have more then one paragraph! Please! Feels like all the words were shoved together.
PM me or post on my wall if you have any questions!
-Boo