Myka’s Prologue
The smell of sweat lingers on my thin blanket. The taste of blood stings the tip of my tongue. There is a single light seeping through one of the four small windows in the massive room. I can barely tell the outline of my rough pillow in front of me. The snoring of fifty soldiers-in-training reverberates gently in the spacious bunker. Even though the atmosphere is that of a late evening--warm, cozy, the feeling that there is plenty of time to rest--I know that it is almost over. Nervousness begins to rumble just beneath my skin. I’m not used to the morning work outs yet; I don’t think I ever will be.
All of the sudden, blasts of light and thunderous gunfire erupts throughout the room filled with bunk-beds. A scream echoes across the walls like nails on chalkboard. I am uneasy for a moment, being reminded of every time that I have ever experienced a real threatened screech from a female, though it fades when I remember that it is not real. I swiftly scurry to my chest and pull out an ancient and detailed crossbow. It is made from mahogany, and gives the scent of freshly burnt wood. I retrieve it and a silk black pouch filled with lightning-steel bolts, the only thing that can kill a demon. I never use them in drills, but it is required to practice quickly loading my weapon.
“Myka!” hollers my friend. What was his name? John? Travis? I had only known him for a week or so. I’m so terrible with names. “Myka!” he cries again.
I don’t answer. I’m afraid of saying something wrong. Last time I said something wrong… I was punished severely by the captain, Toris. I made sure not to forget his name. Why did I join the Beato Forze, the most elite and secret group of demon slayers in the world? I knew that the probability of dying was pretty high. I guess I felt like…
“Myka!” yells the friend one more time.
“What?!” I finally yell back.
Maybe that’s why she left me. I’m so damn irritable.
My friend comes out of nowhere in the chaos and grasps my shoulder with a tight grip. His face is heavily sweating and he is in a deep panic. The young dark face is full of terror. He is trying to choke something out, but just can’t quite.
“Not… a…” the young man collapses before finishing. I instinctively drop to the floor to try and hold him up, but it’s too late. He is either unconscious or dead, and I don’t think I have enough time to find out. I drop the body reluctantly and rush in the direction that all the other trainees are. More of them fall to the ground. What is happening? Could it be that this is the real thing? Are demons attacking?!
I don’t believe that theory just yet. Instead, I carry on with the drill as though it were any other. I rush out the door and throw on a special pair of goggles. They are black, thin, and flexible. Immediately after my eyes adjust to the change in shade, I start to see large dark figures.
I almost cry aloud, though I know better. So this is the real deal.
I aim my crossbow steadily at one of the tricky silhouettes and fire a bolt.
Darn! It moved out of sight at the last moment. Just then, I am thrown backwards into the wall, and I can feel a hot set of fingers clawing at my chest. This is it… I silently pray to myself. This is how it all ends…
No.
A beam of light cuts through the center of the shadow before me, and soon the faded monster is gone. I pull off my goggles, but only to be blinded by the glare of the intense light. I hold my hand over my eyes so that it doesn’t burn my pupils. When the ray disappears, I am left alone in the corner of a small equipment facility. Standing before me is a crew of elite Beato Forze members.
“Son,” says one. His voice is booming, yet calm. “What is your name?” He sounds black and leaderly.
“Myka,” I choke out. “Myka Rellokate.”
“You’re one of the few survivors. Looks like we’re gonna have to move you to home base, Pandemonium. Congratulations, kid, you’re being promoted to Official Beato Forze Private.”
Great.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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I really like the flow of your story. The sentences portray a certain tone that I enjoy.
This story is also packed full of wry humor. You use appropriate word choices. All in all, I think you're an amazing writer and I look forward to reading more.
Hey there. I have come to talk a look at what you got here.
I think your main focus of improvement is crafting, phrasing, capturing the story in your voice if you like.
When I read things to review I am really mainly looking at the first paragraph and if it captures me to read more and dig myself into the story word to word. If it doesn't I feel reading the rest feels more forced and skimmed. I like what you have here but I think you need to work on the way you put your words so they sound more convincing.
The first line:
Definitely turn these two sentences into one longer one. I felt it too blunt. I also feel there could be a much more immersive way to write about the blanket. I think you should spend more time in the first paragraph establishing the setting and the character to really throw the reader in there.
Don't use 'all of the sudden' also that comma is wrong, there should be none.
Take a step back and look at this simile.
1. It s 100% cliche.
2. Does a scream really compare to nails? I feel like its the wrong sort of thing to compare a scream to.
I think this line needs some rephrasing. It feels forced and unsure. I get what your trying to say but its just not working out smoothly.
Another thing going back to the setting. At first I imagined modern soldiers but then you have crossbows and demons. Maybe this is fantasy rather than suspense? Just check you are establishing in words what is in your head.
I just feel you need to go back and check some of your phrasing, read it out loud, and check that you are conveying your image in more detail.
Happy writing.
Hey, thanks for the reviewing! That's definitely a list of things I didn't even notice, I'll see what I can do!
Hello, Cheetah here to review your prologue!
This was so intense! I liked all the action you used in this. My favorite part was definitely when Myka realized it wasn't a drill. He saw the black figures and immediately knew, that was great.
I enjoyed the present-tense voice. That's something that's hard to get right, so I was very impressed when you did it wonderfully. There was only one sentence where it switched back to past-tense.
I believe it should be 'reverberates' instead of 'reverberated'.
That's the only mistake I could find. This sounds exciting!
Wow I didn't even notice that slipping right by me. Thanks for the review!
You're welcome! And yeah, those guys are hard to catch!