E - Everyone

Legend of L'Karr Stone: Rise of the Mech-Warriors (chapter 2)

Chapter 2: Tellistra

The house is no house. It’s a cabin. It looks barely big enough to hold the two brothers, and through the windows one can see the massive amounts of dust left behind.

“Alright,” says Shane. “Let’s get to cleaning this place up.”

“Pass,” L’Karr mutters. “Think I’ll go look for a job in the market. Be back by sundown.”

The younger brother begins to walk away, leaving a surprised expression on the older’s face. “You can’t just leave!” Shane exclaims. He looks at the sky and sees that the sun is almost set. “It almost is sundown!”

But the stubborn brother is already gone. Shane shakes his head and sighs. He then walks into the house, beginning to pick out the garbage.

L’Karr is now passing by the train tracks once more, already looking for her again. Who was she? Maybe L’Karr could impress her with his wrestling moves. He was a pretty decent wrestler, or so he thought. He had only been doing it for about a year before his parents died, and most of the girls there seemed to like it, but he didn’t care for them. Afterall, he is very picky when it comes to his females..

But this girl is different. Something about how mysterious and pretty she looked tells him that she could be worth a fight. Now he is searching the town for her, attempting to act casual about it. He has to know who she is. After the sun fades behind the distant trees L’Karr starts to give up hope. Just as the darkness creeps in a little more he sees a hooded figure running through the streets. He quickly gives chase, convinced that it is her. He keeps his distance from the person. They turn into an alley and L’Karr follows. At the end of the alley is a woman. She is wearing a dark blue dress and has a bundle of long, gorgeous black hair set up. But it then occurs to L’Karr that that woman... is her! But if that’s her... who is the hooded figure?

Without another second to think the figure pulls a knife from their side and stabs at the woman. L’Karr shouts loudly and sprints down the alley. But to his surprise the woman grabs the figure’s wrist and twists it downward. They are unhooded, revealing it to be an old man. A rough face of anger is displayed beautifully on the woman’s face. She forces the struggling mugger to the ground with a laugh. An easy fight for her. This woman is... magnificent! L’Karr has to be with her!

When she sees him she tries to run away but is stopped by a huge wall of stone that is shot up from the ground. When she looks back she sees that L’Karr is holding up his fist, displaying his geo-kinetic abilities as a Sand Fighter. She looks to the wall next to her, ready to climb onto the roof to get away, but L’Karr shouts, “Stop! I’m not going to hurt you! I just want to meet you!”

She stays on the ground. There’s no doubt in L’Karr’s mind that she could easily get away, and even if she couldn’t, she could still defeat him should he try anything funny. She wants to meet him too.

“My apologies, guard. I did not mean to... hurt that man,” she stutters, out of breath. He knows it’s an act. He knows that she’s not a helpless girl, and that she knows he’s not a guard. Why is she behaving this way?

“No, no,” L’Karr says, now in front of her. He kneels over, catching his breath for a second. “I’m not a guard. I saw you earlier today. I just... I saw how pretty you were...” he catches himself. A blush arrives on her face. “And... I had to see you again. I’m sorry for scaring you. It’s just, you’re different.”

She laughs. She obviously hears this often. “Well, I take karate,” she answers with another blush.

“Really? I’m a wrestler,” L’Karr says with swagger.

“Well, karate is better than wrestling,” she says mockingly with a grin.

“Says who?” L’Karr responds with a disbelieving smile, stepping closer. Now he can see into her bright green eyes. The moon is making them shine like emeralds. There is a slight smell of cocoanut coming from her sparkling midnight shaded hair. There is a moment of silence, just them staring at each other. She then looks down with a blushing grin. “Me,” she finally answers.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah!” She looks back up at him with a smirk.

“Prove it!” L’Karr challenges.

“I don’t wanna hurt you,” is her reply as she closes her eyes and lifts her head pridefully. L’Karr is unsure of how to respond, so there is another moment of silence.

This girl is perfect, he thinks to himself. After a while of waiting, she turns to her side, ready to run up the building again. “Thanks for the... ‘help’,” she says.

“Leaving already?” L’Karr places his hand on her shoulder. She looks back at him, and he quickly removes it.

She chuckles. “Don’t worry,” she reassures him. “I won’t hurt you.”

“Where can I see you again?” L’Karr asks quickly.

She thinks for a moment. “I work at Belethor’s Armory. Maybe we can find you a job there, if that’s what you were looking for.”

He smiles widely and turns slightly away. “Here,” he says raising his fist. “Allow me.”

At that he pushes his wrist downward and with it follows the hunk of rock blocking the woman’s exit.

“What’s your name?” he asks her shyly.

“Naomi. Naomi Prent. And you?”

“L’Karr. L’Karr Stone,” he makes it evident that he is trying to say it the way she did, but he doesn’t quite have the country-like accent that she does. “Mind if I ask why you’re in a dress now, yet hooded before?”

She hesitates, her back already turned to him. “Come to the armory tomorrow, and I’ll tell you.”

She then scurries off and out of sight. L’Karr remains in place for a few more minutes, a smile strapped to his face. This is the happiest he had been in a long time. This amazing girl feels the same way about him that he did her. Or, at least he thinks so. He then turns back to go help his brother clean up. His heart feels heavier, and warm. A feeling he could get used to.

Comments & reviews · 2
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User avatar
yubbies21
Review

Hello! Happy Review Day!

This story is different than other things I've read lately. Your Main Character is funny, witty, and seemingly nice, but he's got another, more rude side that makes him realistic to the readers.

While you have a great character built up, the story is a bit confusing. It seems to jump all over the place and the pace is a bit too fast. Slow things down a bit and have your characters "stop to smell the roses". Now, don't really have them start smelling roses, but give them time to speak, think, and voice their opinions. I want to know more about what your main character is thinking. I mean, he feels happy at the end, but you don't tell us more than that. It could portray so much more emotion, but it feels like it just drops off. Tell us more about what the character is thinking or feeling, like is he excited or even nervous to see her again? Was he sweating while he was talking to her, or was he as cool as a cucumber?

The story line is excellent! But the way you wrote it in some places was a little bit too choppy. Your sentences are all around the exact same length. Shake it up some times. Add some short little sentences or have some longer ones in between the medium ones.

This is over-all, an excellent chapter. I look forward to reading the next installments.

Happy Review Day!

yubbies21

Random avatar
Bugslake
Review

This is really cool and makes me want to read the first one. I like your charmingly obnoxious character. He seems to only do things for himself and is a bit arrogant, in a cute way.

Now lets get down to the nitty- gritty work. The story is a bit choppy, there's to many things going on all at once. Try to make it a bit smoother and easy to read, make it go with the flow. 'pretty she' this part of the describing of the girl doesn't make sense. I believe that you meant to put a different word there, but I'm not sure.

All in all, good work and keep writing.



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