Published November 25, 2013
Chapter 3: Estrada
Winds pound against the soft braids of hair atop Shane’s head, desperate to blow him away. He is wearing his hair in a popular way tonight, braided behind him, reaching down to his mid-back. He does not particularly care for the style, but he is going to Estrada to do some more research, and needs to not stand out. Being a Silver Hero is rare enough on this planet.
He needs to find out what happened to his parents. L'Karr may not give a damn about them, but Shane does. His throat feels swollen as he thinks of them. As he... remembers what they were like in his life. He pushes the thoughts away.
He puts on some fashionable clothing, a checkered shirt and skinny jeans. The sleeves of the shirt barely cover his claw. It will be a four-day walk, he knows. He also knows that he told L’Karr that he would get a job in the square tomorrow morning, but it was untrue. He didn't like lying to his brother, but sometimes the man could have a heart of stone.
He looks back at his cabin of a home. His brother is gone, and soon he will be too. He can’t tell L’Karr what he’s doing, but what he’s done when he comes back. He’ll understand what he’s done then, hopefully. A backpack is full of clothing and items Shane will use in Estrada. He takes another look at the cabin, and turns north, away from it. “See you soon, brother,” he whispers more or less to himself.
Each step is heavier than the last, the backpack becoming more of a burden. Morning is dawning on the land, which is a lush, green area. The land is uninhabited, and empty altogether. For a moment Shane wonders why he didn’t just wait overnight at the cabin before taking off. He must’ve come thirty miles at least. But now he is slowing down, and takes rest on a rotten log laying in the field.
He sighs, taking his canteen of water and sipping from it carefully. Can’t run out. He looks to his side and suddenly the log looks much more comfortable. Perhaps a nap wouldn’t be so bad, he thinks.
Just as he lays his head down and closes his eyes he feels a surge of energy. It instinctively shoots the two blades hidden in his claw, readying him for battle. He jolts up and senses movement directly to his left flank.
Shane spins around only to find a large and almost bare bandit trying to assassinate him. He notices the astonishment in the cutthroat's eyes at the sight of his claw. Shane never actually fought anyone, not for real at least. The bandit shouts unintelligible words and three more come sprinting out from the woods behind him, ready for battle. They are each like him. Nasty and bulky.
“Oh, too scared to fight me on your own?” Shane mocks. The bandit sneers, coming at Shane with his blade pointed towards the Silver Hero’s face. Shane observes in a second that the weight of the blade is almost too much for the bandit, based on the fact that he is carrying it low and it is a little curved downwards. On this theory, Shane jumps into the air and attempts to land on the sword. The bandit is puzzled by Shane’s behavior, and the sword almost slips out of his fingertips before Shane lands on it and brings it to the ground with ease. Then, Shane swiftly slides the sword from his side out of it’s case and with the hilt hits the bandit in the head, knocking him out.
At once all of the other bandits charge at Shane. The closest is wielding a spear, though the tip is soon caught in between the two blades on Shane’s claw as he sidesteps into the fight. He brakes the tip off and snaps the rest of the stick by spinning into it with his sword. The other bandits both have short swords. Shane barely lifts his claw and focuses enough energy within his palm that out of the small hole on the claw blasts a wave of energy that easily disarms one bandit. Shane ducks a swing-attack from the bandit and kicks him in the shin. As the filthy young warrior yelps and leans over in pain Shane stabs him in the back with his claw, forcing him to the ground. He then uses his claw to blast another wave of energy on the bandit that was before wielding the spear. He flies backward with a scream and a fire burning on his chest. The last one puts his hands up, surrendering. Shane laughs. The bandit is weaponless and cowardly. He won’t survive much longer anyway. He nods once in gesture for the young rebel to run off. Without hesitation the outlaw scurries off. Shane shakes his head, then smiles. He just defeated four bandits by himself! It was his first fight, and a victorious one.
The rest of the journey is easy for Shane. In just three more days from the battle Shane is on the outskirts of Estrada.
The city is a metropolis. The buildings reach to the sky, reflecting it’s gorgeous blue atmosphere. It is a thing Shane has always loved about Ark. It’s beauty is untouched by human stupidity. It’s soil is much too strong for war, and the skies are much too lush to be ruined by chemicals. It is something that will never change about Ark; it’s the perfect place to live.
Estrada is a shiny city, to say the least. As Shane becomes closer he notices that more and more people walk about. Estrada is the biggest city in Trojia, the county. At the entrance there is a large sign labeled ESTRADA: CITY OF THE CLEAN. And it is a clean city. It is named after the season with crisp winds and warm sunlight.
He sees a ton of soldiers with rifles in hand walking around the city. Their armor is a light blue, and they wear a beret with a gun symbol on it. They are the Trojia Soldiers, protectors of the prosperous county. As Shane walks into the heart of the city--the area with the biggest building, the October Corporate Building (OCB)--he notices a poster on a lone wall on the edge the sidewalk. The poster displays a handsome man, his hair nicely combed backwards, and in a checkered expensive suit. It says his name is Hector, and that he embezzled millions of zecrons in money working as an executive of a sort in the big OCB. And that as he was being investigating they also found him to be the leader of a rebellion called the “Trojans”, and that before disappearing he claimed that the Trojans were the true children of Trojia. Shane shakes his head and looks back at the building.
It is apparently the eighth building to be built in Estrada, but it’s the masterpiece to the city. It’s where most work is done. “Hmm,” Shane mutters to himself, rubbing his chin thoughtfully. Maybe this army of Trojans is the cause behind his parents’ deaths. It wouldn’t hurt to search for information in the OCB. He is pretty sure that might’ve been where they worked anyways. He crosses the street and prepares to enter the building, hesitantly. What if this was dangerous work he is getting into? Could he be going too far with the investigation of his parents’ deaths?
He then steps into the building, and his eyes are immediately surprised. He is stricken with curiosity. “What the...?” he mutters.
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I really don't think there's anything to add beyond what ethereal already said! I think she pretty much covered everything. But... I'll try.
As ethereal already noted, the pacing is in fast forward here. The four day journey ends up feeling like a short jog, and the battle scene was anti-climatic because of how short it was. Once he gets to the city, I was really hoping to get a lot of descriptions of how the city looks. But it mostly got glimpsed over.
Basically, what I think you need to do is more world-building. The metropolis in particular should be fleshed out more -- maybe have him get something to eat in the city, and describe his experience as he does so. What are the streets like? The people? Is this a city that stretches on into the horizon? Does the sunlight reflect off the buildings? Give us details!
Regarding the journey, there's really two options you could go with: make it a lot longer, or just skip over it. I don't know if you've ever watched Avatar The Last Airbender, but if you decide to make it longer, watch Zuko Alone for inspiration.
Overall, I think you've laid a solid groundwork for a good story. Just work on doing some world-building, and I think you'll be good to go!
Thanks for the review, and yes I do watch Avatar the Last Airbender :b
Hi there!
I'll dive right in. I have a couple of suggestions:
1. I wish there was more showing instead of telling - for example let him really engage with another character, talking to them instead of about them. The way you have written it seems more like a summary. The joy of reading is that we are in the moment as these events are happening. Because of my love of dialogue, I tend to flip through a new books pages to see how many speech marks there are. This shows that the reader will enjoy "watching" events unfold instead of hearing a second hand account - which is how you have written this story.
2. I wish you had built up more suspense in his first fight scene. It was a great opportunity to reveal some flaw about the character, like maybe in his excessive eagerness, he oversteps one of his fight moves and nearly gets sliced. The fight was too easy, you even said it. Readers don't want perfect heroes, they want heroes who overcome their flaws to win the day. His response to his first fight was too vacant. He wasn't nervous, so we weren't nervous for him. Rather than say "He was nervous", show it by saying something like "Sweat ran down his neck under his braid..." etc.
3. The pacing was in fast forward. You could have broken up the events in at least three chapters and reveal more and more about him each time. This added to the feeling that I was reading a summary. I get it, you are impatient, and have this great scene in your head that comes later in your story, but you've got to lay out the facts first, so you zip through them as quickly as you can. I've had the same feeling, but unfortunately it shows in your writing that you rushed. We want to feel everything, your main character's relationship to L'Karr. I was immediately curious about this character as soon as you mentioned him, because hey, he is in your title. But I was somewhat disappointed that you kept him "off screen" so to speak. I don't know what kind of presence he has, and what makes him a legend. You did not have to have L'Karr in the scene, but give more hints about his power or influence - whatever it is you had in mind that makes him so special.
4. Choose a different beginning for your story. You've GOT to have something at stake from the get go. You ended the scene with the reveal that his mission is to find his parent's killers, but you should have hinted that in different ways from the beginning. I was surprised that his mission was so grim, because his attitude on the journey seems nonchalant and almost cheerful. Try and keep the mood of the chapter consistent. The sentence revealing his parent's death should have been the last one in the chapter - or at least just before a short text break. The reader needs a moment to allow the dramatic feeling to sink in. There is no reaction from Shane when he thinks about his parents. We don't know if he feels guilt, or pain, or whatever. When you jump straight to his reaction to the building, we skip over the "good stuff", which is his struggle with his personal demons.
Otherwise, this story definitely has great ideas and potential, you just need to lay them out a bit more clearly, and carefully orchestrate the emotional highs and lows of your readers.
Hope this helps!
Hey, thanks for the review and I really think that this is a big help. Yea, I was kinda rushing through this chapter without even realizing. You introduced some good points, but as far as the second part where he is nonchalant during the battle is the kind of effect I'd like to give. I want to compare and contrast his fighting style to L'Karr, who is not so great of a fighter. Shane is supposed to be like the "bad ass" of the story, whereas L'Karr is the one who has a lot to learn. But you did have a good point about skipping past a lot of details I should've put in and where he should have some flaws. I'm really glad to read your review, and I will definitely get right to fixing this up and adding what needs to be added. Thanks again!
A way to get around your impatience to get to the good stuff is to write the good stuff first. No one says you have to write a story in the same order that you read it! Of course you will have to edit the scene later so that it fits with the previous chapters you will write later.
I say if a scene appears perfectly formed in your mind, strike while the iron is hot, write the good part, and the other events before and after will pivot around that scene. Otherwise you end up zooming through the beginning, writing without paying attention, because your focus is chapters ahead. There is nothing wrong with your current sequence of events, but they are a literary skeleton that needs to be filled out eventually with the flesh of your story (meaning the things I described in my review).
Also, read a good book which draws you in, and take heed how every word counts. From the beginning the author pulls you in the thick of it, rather than skimming too quickly above the story and events. Get closer. To do this, include more descriptions about the 5 senses, use them often. Just including that will help get us out of summary mode and into blow-by-blow-I-feel-like-I-was-there mode. Good luck! Will look forward to reading a fresh draft of this
That's a good way to look at it that I have not thought of before! Thanks!