Chapter 5
In a valley, a polished valley, chrome hills, smooth hills, fireworks, not the kind on 4th of July. No these were dark twisted entities and the smell of fire. It was unmistakable, the shadows stalked around. I could see many shapes that were recognizable but in the distance I saw them the eyes, only eyes.
Just as I turned to run, I felt myself being dragged, “Hey Graham, my sister and I need a witness to what going to be said.”
It was Malcolm, he was slowly burning, but he just smiled, the flesh just idly sizzling, his glasses lopsided and melting while his hair was burned off.
Ruby was blue and kept coughing but also was smiling, “Graham, as Malcolm best friend I thought you should be first to know... I can hardly hold it in. He and I are getting married!”
I just gawped in confusion, “You are brother and sister right?”
“Yep!!!” she answered holding him intimately as steam rose from above them.
“Isn’t that wrong?” While I replied with that all I could think was, ‘What.The.Fuck.’
“Don’t be a prude Graham, it’s not like we’re incompatible.”
“He’s your own blood.”
I could hear a low roaring and turned away to see those eyes sneering at me. I heard crying, but had no idea from where it was from. The whimpering echoed through my ears and water fell from the sky.
Turning back saw Ruby hugging burned flesh his body all black and sooty. Just as I went to turn away I saw her lean in and begin to make out with body, watching it crumble in her embrace.
Crying out I ran towards one of the black hills, not wanting to witness more. I had to escape this madness.
The rain kept falling as the winds grew harder, turning into torrential downpour.
Grabbing hold of the grass I yelped in pain, seeing my own skin starting to smoke, yelling out I ran—no sprinted up the hill, not reaching the top and feeing my whole body aflame.
Looking back, while I ambled up, I saw water filling the valley and those eyes, that dark gaze, just watching me.
Finally reaching the top I spun round and saw Malcolm, without any warning he leaned in and kissed me passionately, his tongue burning me, I struggled to get out.
I could taste smoke filling my lungs, suffocating from inside.
Was I going to die, from a kiss of all things?
Just as I realized this, he stopped and spoke, “You’re hot you know that, but not as hot as me...”
Without warning he burst into flames, but continued speaking, “Solutions we dare search for may only lead to madness.”
After that his body fully ignited, burning him to a cinder as he laughed.
Swinging back round, I saw Ruby, she walk over to my provocatively, coughing continually her clothes coming off her, stripping away from her.
I had to admit she had a damn fine body, but why was she undressing in front of me, she hated me?
Suddenly she fell gripping her throat and flailing madly in the air, struggling and choking her hair moving around her as if possessed.
With one last choking motion she fell and didn’t get back up.
Turning my back away, I glanced down the hill and realized it was a mountain and the valley was now full of water rising fast.
Trapped on the mountain I looked into the monochrome blackness seeing various mountains between the growing bodies of water, all with blood flowing down them like a volcano. Surreal and totally disturbing, I moved away from the edge to see Claire.
“I found people.”
In horror I saw her begin to hug some device with a chain saw on it, as it cut into her flesh she shrieked, “Graham, I found people see.”
The eyes were now on the mountain and as Claire slid down off the blade, I watched as the darkness began to encompass all.
Before it hit me a sneering gravelly voice spoke, “The die has been thrown Graham.”
As the world turned completely black it whispered, “Where will it land hehehehehe?”
I woke up sweat cascading from my brow.
No memory of what I had witnessed.
I guess warnings are only good when you remember them.
Leaning over to my tabletop checked my cell, letting it illuminate before seeing it was still early, like 5 am. Let’s try that sleep thing again and not wake up a headache this time. Closing my eyes again I slipped into REM.
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Canary word: Present
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125,006 Literary Works • 672,813 Reviews
Hey, Pal. Sorry for the late review.
Anyways, nitpicks and stuff first.
This sentence is worded weirdly. Make sure you read your work out loud to make sure it makes sense.
Honestly, I think I know what you're trying to say here but it's not working.
"distance I saw them the eyes, only eyes."
rework the last bit.
There is no need for three exclamation marks here.
I think there should be a comma after that.
You also have some weird wording here. That or you just need to learn some proper punctuation.
Comma after crying out.
*feeling.
Also, why do you have him holding grass? Where did he pick the grass from? Did he fall?
You need to explain everything clearly.
I like this line ^^
Didn't he already burst into flames?
I would change the position of the question mark here.
"I had to admit she had a damn fine body, but why was she undressing in front of me? She hated me.
Meh, just me, maybe?
Haha.
"Leaning over my tabletop, I checked my cell, letting it illuminate before seeing it was still 5:00 am."
That's how I would have worded it.
Anyways, it was a bizarre dream, yes. It was interesting nonetheless. I liked how you put all the people in there and the some of the descriptions were unique and done nicely. But, I do think you could have slowed down a bit and explained a few more things. Well, not explain but more like...give more description. The dream seemed crazy and very fast paced, sometimes not exactly making sense. Although, dreams hardly make sense so, eh?
There are still a few points you need to work on. Grammar was alright but work on punctuation. I noticed a lot of misused commas so I suggest you go back and brush up on them. They help construct your flow and bring sentences together. Don't overlook them.
Sorry for the short review, PM me if you need anything.
Cheers,
~Pink
you have written a cool novel my friend although you are not my friend.
you a truly a writer and you have the potential to write. i wish i were you .please can you teach me how to write series coz i would like to do so.