Chapter 2
Entering the hall, I saw everyone was there. Coach saw me coming in and glared, “Again?!”
“Please Coach, I’m sorry. I lost track of time.”
I hated coach. And that was putting it lightly; he was a fat man who wore sweat pants and a hoody. Rumour had it he’d tried to get into army but was refused because he was overweight. Instead he taught a bunch of youth how to kill each other. How you gotta love irony huh?
“Whatever. Get changed Jacksons, and show us you’re not just a nerd with aspirations of being Muhammad Ali.
I growled and muttered, “Fuck you, you fat fuck!”
He turned round and I scampered to changing room. To say I was mistreated because I took a high faluting course like Psychology was an understatement. They all called me Geek Boy, Nerd, and Brains. Not realizing last one was a compliment. As I ripped my top off, dressed down to my drawers, I admired myself. I wasn’t vain, just I wasn’t ugly either. And with the wrestling I had gained some muscle. While my hair was ginger cut really short. I was told I look dangerous.
Finally, I grabbed my blue shorts, threw them on tied drawer string, slipped on my canvas shoes before leaving the changing room.
Coach merely growled at me, “Right, we can begin now Nerd here.”
I said nothing and he just stared daggers at me, “Clark, cut this brain down to size.”
We climbed into the ring, Clark wasn’t the brightest bulb in the box but he had looks which was enough, but it was his downfall, he guarded his face more than the rest of his body. This would be easy.
As the bell rung I threw a punch at his shoulder. He parried and tried to trip me before beating me. But that was pointless as I stuck the shoulder again, straffing around to his back and putting him in a hold. But he wouldn’t have that, and winded me with his elbow.
I groaned and dodged as I let the adrenaline hit me. I loved the fights; being underestimated almost daily was great. It was easy to see from Clark’s face his Adonis-like face he was sure he was winning. Oh boy if only he knew, I slid down to my knees and threw him over my back. I heard a crack.
Well that would teach him to underestimate me. I straddled him, before beginning the count.
“1, 2, 3!”
The bell rung and the fun ended.
“Clark climbed out, his shoulder was fractured but his face was okay so he just grinned stupidly at coach before being sent to the Nurse.
I climbed out the ring and for a second saw a glimmer of pride in the coach’s eye before rage went back in, “You made it so he can’t fight for a month Jacksons.”
“Well maybe that teach you to try knock me down a peg or two. I may not be a jock like rest of you. But I can handle myself perfectly fine in this ring despite what else I’m studying.”
“Whatever Geek Boy, time for warm up!”
Joining the rest of the group I smiled at them, a few of them whispered, “Coach’s golden boy got what he deserved.” Then silence entered the room and the coach spoke, “Space out and perform 15 star jumps. I shall check on Clark.”
There were few sniggers before we spaced out. I leapt up and opened my legs before closing them when landing, while lifting arms up and putting them back to sides. It was lucky fight was short; I’d had one hell of a cramp from the running earlier to get here in time.
“Graham Jackson get you scummy ass here this minute.”
Rolling my eyes I stopped and saw the coach red faced and utterly livid, “You’ve gone too far this time!”
“Oh really fatso, you have no respect for me, and Clark got what was coming to him!”
The coach voice lowered, “Lets. Make. This. Clear. You. Dumbass motherfucker! Clark Daddy and Mummy are fucking lawyers, very well known lawyers. Get the point!?”
That certainly wasn’t good. Not good at all. Here I could get into trouble because I’d been harassed and forced to fight an opponent for chuckles of coach. Not fucking good.
“...”
Coach laughed mockingly, “No smart quips then Mr Jackson?”
“...”
“Get out of here brain boy, go fuck a dictionary.”
Then the laughter began harsh laughter with an evil edge to it. Coach had shot out the park and he knew it. I knew it; I could get the University into trouble. And who would listen to me over the coach? That’s right no one.
I stormed out without a sense of pride or direction
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hey, Pal, thanks for telling me it was up
Now, on to the review
I don't like the repetition of 'saw' here.
Maybe try rewording this: "As I entered the crowded hall, coach saw me coming and he glared, shouting, "Again?!"
I would suggest blending some sentences together for flow.
*Rumor. And it's funny XD
Forgot the ending quote-mark
I think there should be an 'and' between ginger and cut.
*Now that Nerd is here.
Also, I believe this is unrealistic. Can't coaches be fired for being so mean or am I too soft? lol
I think the fight was too short, and lacked some descriptions. But, I also hate it when fights drag on. So, if you could evenly balance that out, you'd be a winner!
No need for the quote-mark there.
*That will teach you...
Argh, just because you're smart doesn't mean you can't be good in athletics, this coach is dumb and is getting on my nerves too.
Overall
I'm at work and I'm in a hurry so I'll try to keep this short
I think you need to go back and make sure your punctuation is correct. I noticed a lot of simple mistakes, such as missing words or unneeded quotation marks, misplaced commas and such. Maybe you're writing too fast? If so, I advise you to slow down and glance over your work once or twice. But, I understand you can't catch everything and that's were us reviewers come in. Believe me, I make plenty of mistakes too.
Anyways, this chapter was fun to read, I like the maturity level but in all honesty, I think the swearing should be taken down a notch. Even if the coach hates him and he hates the coach, such vulgar language towards each other, is it acceptable? Wouldn't he be kicked out of wrestling then? The coach, even if I hate him, is the superior here and I know the MC feels wronged but I don't think he's in the right place to step up and try to be boss. Those are my thoughts anyway. Although, I sincerely do understand why he would want to do that, be bullied and all is terrible
All in all, this chapter was shorter and it gave us a brief intro to his feelings and what kind of atmosphere he has to go through every day so kudos.
Alright, I'm off to work, I'll try to get the next chapter done by tomorrow
Cheers!
~Pink
Hey,first of all i loved your novel,even though i;m not a big fan of action novels,but i really liked this one!
keep on writing!
i really loved how much you put in detail in his point of view,but the fight was shorter than i thought x)
But i really loved this chapter
~Book Person~
Review part two:
The fight scene
I'm not sure about Clays comment on the fight scene. It could be dragged out, but there's only so much you can put into a fight scene before it becomes 'I punched him and he pushed me backwards and I fell over and grabbed his leg' kind of thing. I prefer it short.
Coach...
Is a jerk. I don't like him, at all. I think this scene is brilliant because you've created such a hatable character, as well as showing some of the trials your character has to go through. It's nicely done.
Double punctuation?!
Not only is it gramatically incorrect, but it doesn't look pretty. I know it can be really tempting to use the question mark and exclaimation mark to make a point, but it's best to use only one.
On the note of punctuation, using the dotdotdot (that thing that I can never remember what it's called) as the only thing in between speechmarks also doesn't look very good. It's so short that your reader will easily glance over it. There are much better ways of describing your characters silence, maybe as an expression, or a thought in italics of what he really wants to say.
"How you gotta love irony huh?"
I get what you're trying to say with this line, but it's really poorly phrased. You've got to remember that although slang can really add style, it still has to be easy to read for a variety of audiences.
But and but
"He wasn’t the brightest bulb in the box but he had looks which was enough, but it was his downfall, he guarded his face more than the rest of his body." You've used 'but' twice. The word 'but' is a connective used when the second half of the sentence contradicts the first, using it twice in a three part sentence doesn't make sense. The commars are placed awkwardly too. I'd suggest re-arranging this and splitting into two separate sentences.
He ripped off his top?
Doesn't he want to keep it so that he can put it back on later? The word rip gives me the image of the hulk, or some cheesy-chick-flick character tearing his shirt from his body.
And just to be mean...
Near the beginning there is a speach mark missing off the end of something spoken.
Near the half-way mark there is a speach mark sitting at the beginning of a sentence that isn't spoken.
I'll let you find those, it'll be good practice.
Overall
Another amazing piece of work! I say you've got talent as a writer. You've really brought the plot and characters to life and that's something that you can't really get the hang of through learning and practice. On the other hand, you've set a pretty high standard for the rest of your novel, so make sure you don't slack!
Another review, the fight scene wasnt long but I think it was long enough, and I also seen that you didnt change the “Graham Jackson get you scummy ass here this minute.” bit.