This came about through reading the featured piece by xxjojoxx. it's not meant as an attack piece, but having so many friends from USA, I couldn't ignore --- rather than rip it apart chose to do a poem far more positive but displaying negatives to. Hope you like.
*****
Build Me Freedom On This Day
In an empty barn on a desolate farm leaves litter the ground,
spoken secrets and empty treaties do much to decorate it around.
The paint is peeling and wood rotting but many still hear the sound,
of bells and whistles and sacred banner held up high in utmost pride.
From beggars to banquets and divisions of axis still harmony shelter 'round.
Though hatred and rhetoric blow through the farm, still the many people
flock far around. Of honour and friendship that unite us all, we are many,
we are one -- mistakes we regret the owners say, but deep in our hearts
we know the way. Old and decrepit the structure stands, where one
become more and freedom was whispered loudly through the farm;
beyond the blessings of this farm, where pride can bring a smile,
diversity and unity we call as one.
For we are the USA.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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Hey Vern. This piece had quite a Larkin-esque feel to it, and although the grammar and use of punctuation is by no means perfect, overall I like the moral messages and the way you put them to me as a reader.
TheWalkinDude has reviewed your grammar fairly accurately, but one big niggle appeared to me.
When I read this, this stuck out as misunderstanding. In context of the literal grammatical phrase, yes, this is going from two items to one, but as it should be read, the author has used the idea of the Nazi representation being divided into the factions of American society (Maybe "the axis" would be a better phrase?). I suggest maybe you should re-read that specific line, and perhaps you may see what I mean by this.
Also, at the end of the first line, a colon, dash or otherwise would be more effective than a period, but still correct.
One thing that confuses me is the rhythm. It's relatively relentless, but I don't understand why it is. I'm not criticizing the methods you have used to form the rhythmic structure, it's just that I don't get any valued effect upon the subject of the poem, or any specific points; just a continuing journey into the matter over mind, tongue-in-cheek values of the States, whilst using the occasional comma to break the flow, but, there is no reason for it not being more regularly punctuated. If anything, the scene you portray in the opening lines suggests a slower neutral rhythm... and right now, it hits me. Is this the rattling snares of a military band? If so, it's very subtle, and if not, my previous point stands.
Nice work Vernon. Please keep on truckin' this way.
I like the way the poem sounds- you can almost hear the wood rotting and the paint pealing, to make it animate was a wise choice. I like that you didn't use too many words- every letter felt like it had a place. It took a few reads to understand it fully but I honestly would not mind reading it over and over again to feel the desolation of the farm. Maybe the modern reader needs more words because so perhaps a few "on's" and "at's" would make it easier to read?
Hi! Remember me? xD I actually got a little bit intimidated when I found out that you are the author. I was like 'o.o'.
Nitpicks:
- It feels like something is missing between 'litter' and 'the'. Maybe, 'on'?
- It feels like something is missing between 'wood' and 'rotting'. o.o
- I actually felt 'lost' when the rhymes are gone. But, that is not really a big thing.
- Maybe, it's just me not being good with poems, but it seemed like there's something missing between 'regret' and 'the'.
- I think there should be a comma after 'hearts' because of the phrase that follows in the succeeding line.
- Ooh. I liked the irony in this line.
My actual problem with this poem is that I couldn't actually (Okay. I should stop using 'actual/ly') get the meaning. Probably, it's just me being a poor reader when it comes to literary pieces that are 'beautified' too much (for me) with beautiful words (Okay. That was redundant.). I think, there were grammatical errors like what the other reviewers said, but I couldn't point them out clearly. Like what I said in one of my nitpicks, maybe, it's just me not being good with poems. Anyway, sorry for the off-topic and the pretty much useless review.
Alright! Hello there, Vern! I am sorry for the delay of this review. I can't even come up with a decent excuse. Pitiful. Now, as I am definitely no expert on poetry, you may end up just disregarding what I say, but, nonetheless, here we go with the prolonged review.
To begin, I would like to express my gratitude that you wrote this. I had looked at XxJoJoxX's piece, and being an American, I was slightly offended, if only becomes of the generalist view and words overly-glazed with an unfair, opinionated view. I think you bring about the ups and downs of America very nicely in this poem, keeping it subtle all the same. I appreciate subtlety. Which is why I liked how you implied that this worn, faded out barn represented America.
Now, seeing as TheWalkinDude commented on most of the grammar nitpicks I could have pointed out, I am going to focus on two other things I noticed. First of all, as much as I loved the barn being America itself connection, there is one slight issue I found with that. I feel that saying it is old and decrepit is unfitting, as America happens to still be a generally "young" country, compared to the likes of Britain, India, and others. Perhaps it is "rotting" from the cockroaches, aka, people, but it is most definitely not old, by most standards. You may disagree, but, that is just my view.
The second thing I would like to address is just the final line:
I felt like just outright revealing the barn/America comparison ruined the ending. This is just my opinion, but I think I would prefer it if you removed the line completely, because I think it was perfectly fine without it. The barn/America comparison is simple and subtle, but yet not too hard to catch onto, so I think the last line is rendered useless anyhow. Perhaps it is just me, however, coming into reading this poem with a beforehand knowledge that it would deal with the country of America.
Overall, I truly liked this poem -- hence how I "liked" it on YWS, and I don't click that button a lot. I appreciated how you presented your ideas with subtlety and did not focus on just the negatives or just the positives, but instead showed both in your poem, which gives a less opinionated view, in my opinion. Wonderful work! My apologies if this review was not much help and just a bunch of rambling, but poetry never has been my best.
Have a g'day,
Mizz
Thanks to Zac for going all "grammar nazi" so that I don't have to! I also like (and have "liked") this. Since it's six in the morning and I should be heading to school, I have no real review for you. Anyway, good job, Vern!
Again, another poem of yours that I have read I have liked. I addressed grammatical problems that I noticed as well as a few structural problems, but other than those few problems, this is a great poem. Its satirical style makes it seem less like it's going after or for anything in particular, that is, until you get to the very end. Also, loved the word choice. You kept a strong tone and formality throughout the poem, hardly even wavering anywhere in it. I'm glad to have gotten to read this, and I'm even happier to have read this after reading the same featured work you were writing this for. You seemed to address a lot of the points I shared about xxjojoxx's poem that I thought would make it better, applying them to your own poem.
Great job,
Zac (A.K.A. The Walkin' Dude)