Published March 8, 2013
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Canary word: Present
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141,293 Literary Works • 674,334 Reviews
Hi there!
I really like this poem, its very emotional and sounded quite sad, which shows that you are very good at conveying emotion within words, which not many people can do! I liked the rhyming and tone.
One thing to improve on could be the flow of each line; sometimes it didn't flow very smoothly, for example "As I write this poem, I know it will never be shared" this isn't very smooth so maybe change it to "As I write this poem, That I know won't be shared"? just an idea? hope that helps!
Overall really enjoyed reading this!
Keep Writing!
~*Annapurna*~
Whoa! I like this poem allot. Short simple and sweet. In the end i do fell the emotion of it all despite it being short.
Good Job Bro
*likes*
Hi, Lashea!
Love your avatar. Hehe. But I'm GeeLyria, and I'm here to review.
I actually like this poem. I must confess that when I read the first two lines, I thought "emo poetry". However, I decided to give it a change because I realized your words flow like poetry should before I decided to close the window. Then I came to the conclusion that not only people can relate to this, but a group (that has an idea) can. I think of revolution when I read this.
Although... To be honest, I feel like this poem is not finished. It's like the ending is hanging. Most great poems have a catchy beginning and an interesting ending, but in this piece, I feel like you just suddenly stopped talking. Maybe this would be solved if there was an ellipses at the end. But I don't know... I'd suggest you to add an ending that waves goodbye in a polite way. It's just a suggestion though.
You have potential, this I know. And so does this poem! XD Keep writing.
~GeeLyria
This is truly an excellent start to the poem. i love the way you started each new paragraph with the same line 'as i write this poem'. The repetitiveness keeps the poem from getting lost and keeps the flow going.
xx
i also like the way you used present tense, as if it's still happening. The rhymes all work and the structure is perfect.
As you wrote in the first verse: 'I will make it simple
To say what needs to be said'
Sometimes more is less and i believe keeping it simple - yet still creative and interesting - will really make the poem wonderful, which is what you've done.
Even thought the words are simple they have a lot of feeling and meaning behind them. I especially like the third paragraph, it is deep and sad and i can relate to it well.
keep adding to it and i think it will end up being something great