Hey, Lare! Ink here to beat the tar outta Kayla, Adri, and Hatt! Here's to hoping I can do this story some justice!In only three paragraphs, I'm already feeling like your story with Kyle was written better than this is. Your description in this isn't as distinctive as I've seen before. I'm used to being wowed by you, so seeing something more generic like this is a bit of a disappointment. I think part of this is that Kyle's voice was very distinct, and this is written in the third person, but I think that you could do a lot better with this. Even in the third person, the writing has a sort of voice, even if it isn't the voice of the main character. I just want to see you make this special. I couldn't have gotten your other story anywhere else, and I want to feel the same about this one. That being said, this is a rough draft, so you have nothing to worry about. Obviously, nothing's perfect on the first try.
Maris couldn’t bring herself to feel sad.
as she let go of the lights, they floated over Estelle’s body and cloaked her in a blanket of diamonds.
Cadeyrn’s voice was strained. He clapped Maris on the shoulder and pulled all attention to him. Strapped to his belt was a new sword—Estelle’s, the hilt adorned with amethysts.
Maris didn’t understand magic to begin with. Some people could wave their hands a certain way and blur the lines between worlds or times or countries.
Dun dun dunnnnn! The suspense is killing me! I need the next chapter! Please?
i would love to read a full blown trilogy of this if possible20/10
Heyo, Reine! I'm here for a quick review~I really enjoyed this short story! A bunch of lines really resonated with me. And I always love taking the concept of the chosen one and flipping it on its head. The main character is relatable and I'd love to know more about the world. One of the main takeaways that I have is just a hunger for more information. I want to know more about the evil in Journsea, how the magic of land works, more about Estelle, and more about the dragons. This story honestly has so many openings to move forward.But! Let's move onto the criticism.
It was odd—looking at herself, lying on the ground, never to stand up. Her body shivered, but the tears wouldn’t come.
“Mare… You okay?” Cadeyrn set a hand on her shoulder. It was the most words he’d said to her since[...]
“You’re alright. That makes everyone, well, except, you know.”
The net was fireproof, but not exactly blade-proof, and by the time it cut itself down, it was frantic.
Maris didn’t have time to move out of the way before a spout of fire grazed her face. Her hair was still singed back to her scalp. She ran her hand over the burnt remains of her hair and winced when she hit a fresh wound.
Well, she was sad, yes, that her sister had died.
After the dragons brought the deer back, they waited until the full moon was halfway up the sky.
One foot came down directly on Cadeyrn’s chest.
Maris didn’t feel like a hero, and the dragonet didn’t feel like a monster.
This is really great!
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