Hey everybody please read this I promise This is my first romantic nove here on YWS so read, review and tell mw what you like and don't like. Thanks.
The Darkest Love
Chapter 1
Running. It was all I could think about. All I could do while trying to escape my destined fate. You're going to die. I knew the words were in my head but they were written in my head and rang loud in my ears, as if their speaker was right next to me.
I ran faster but it was no use my predator would catch up to me in just the matter of a few minutes. We both knew he could have caught me by now but he just liked to toy with me. His own personal game of cat and mouse, and all I could do was succumb to him. The sound of flapping wings registered loudly in my ears. I kept running unsure of what else I could do but not wanting to give up. Trees blurred past me and I heard him call my name from the darkness.
Anastasia, come to me my darling. His voice was seductive and alluring. All I wanted was to go to him but if I did he would kill me. I stumbled over rocks finally tripping. I screamed in agony, my ankle had twisted renderring me immobile. A dark silhoutte appeared over me and I new it was time. Now I would die by the hand of an angel. An angle I loved.
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I awoke from the dream drenched in sweat and with my legs tangled in the sheets.
Air.
The thought immediatly came to my mind. I couldn't breathe. I reached over to the desk by my bed and grabbed my inhaler. Pushing down on the button I felt relived when I found air coming to my lungs again. I freed my legs from the sheets and sat upright in bed. Recalling the nightmare I had been having I grabbed my pillow and clutched it to my chest. I had been dreaming about the angel ever since my mother was killed.
My mother, Reece Knight, had always been my gaurdian angle. She was strong, smart and had always been there for me. Now she was gone and I would forever be alone. A drunk driver had taken her from me. He had torn a huge hole in my heart never to be fixed again. Tears filled my eyes as they always did when I thought about my mother. Wiping the tears from my eyes and throwing the pillow on the floor I went downstairs to get ready for school.
My dad was stretched across the couch heavily sleeping with a half empty bottle of beer in his hand and as I looked at him I felt a wave of sympathy. The death had taken a great toll on him but at least I was getting on with my life... kinda. Before mom was killed dad was always the active one. He'd get up every morning and take a jog around the block now all he ever did was eat, crap, boss me around and drink till he passed out. Since I was an only child-mom and dad hadn't really gotten around to having the little brother or sister they had promised me- I had no other responsibility than to feed myself and my father.
I settled on making eggs and bacon -dad's favorite- and started the kettle for tea. We didn't drink coffee anymore it reminded us to much of mom. Dad walked into the kitchen just as I sat his plate on the table. I poured tea for the both of us and sat to join him. We didn't talk much anymore mom had always been the one to start small talk. I sipped the tea as I did every morning since the day after mom's funeral but it always tasted the same no matter how much sugar or honey I used: plain.
I started gulping it down -ignoring the burning it gave my tounge and throat- to see if it got any sweeter as I got to the bottom but it didn't, it never did. No longer able to stomach the food I pushed it towards my dad knowiing he would eat it. Without so much as a glance in my direction he pulled my plate
towards him and started inhale it like the animal he was. Too deeply engrossed by his breakfast he didn't even notice when I shot up out of my seat and ran upstairs. I ran into the bathroom in my room and searched under the sink for the little bag I hid there. Reaching into the bag I grabbed a razor and a marker. I sat the marker on the tub and put my arm over the sink.
"Notice me know daddy," I said cutting my arm with the sharp blade. It hurt but the pain was good.
The one thing that was always there for me. That never died. That always noticed me and left thin, pink reminders on my skin so I would never forget. I ran my arm under the hot water letting it clear away blood. Convinced that the small flesh wound was properly taken care of I grabbed the marker and went back into my room. In black permanent marker I began to write on the wall my word on the day.
PAIN. Stepping back to enjoy my artwork I notice ethe other words that adorned the wall.
DEATH. HURT. ANGER. BETRAYAL. INVISIBLE. BLADE. BLOOD. SANCTUARY. RELEASE. FREEDOM. DREAMS. ANGELS. SADNESS. LONELINESS. LIFELESS. LOVELESS...?
All of the words had been written in a time of desperation. The wall was my storybook. I write what I feel at the beginning of everyday on it. I turned around and noticed the pillow I hadn't picked up yet. I was about to sit it back on my bed when I noticed something. It was a feather.
"What the..." I said to no one. The feather was pure black and look like it belonged to some kind of bird. Still curious about it I sat it back on my bed and under my pillow until I got home.
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125,006 Literary Works • 672,809 Reviews
Hey there!
Just a tip, as a member who has been around for a while. If you put spacing between your paragraphs (you can do that by physically clicking the 'enter' button after every paragraph, or clicking "story mode" down at the bottom of your screen when you edit your story) you will get more reviews. For some reason, people feel more attracted to those stories that look, well, attractive. Yours is all bunched up, so it's not exactly pretty.
On to the review, I like this. A lot. In fact, with a few tweaks, I'd even say I love this. It's simply for the last idea you had, the marker on the wall? That's brilliant. I wish I would have come up with it first.
Quotes 'N' Comments
This is awkward, and one of the things you don't want is an awkward sentence early on in your story; that will turn readers off automatically. Let me help you fix it though... I think the part that's confusing is that you said the words were in your head, and then you say 'but' and then you say they're in your head again. This is a contradiction. To make it not so, I think you'd have to write it out something like this (you'll need a few extra words): "The words were in my head, but they rang loud in my ears, as if their speaker was right next to me." You basically can cut out everything after 'but' until before 'rang.'
You spelt "Angel" as angle the entire time. Angel is how you spell the holy beings sent from God, angle is basically the position of something. I think you want the former in this case.
This is a run-on sentence. To make it not so, make the two ideas independent: "He'd get up every morning and take a jog around the block. Now all her ever did was eat, crap, boss me around and drink till he passed out." This also stresses what he does now, rather than the idea getting lost in the sentence how you wrote it.
You have a little issue with the lack of commas. Try saying this out loud, without any breaks, because that's how your character is saying it. It sounds weird, right? There needs to be at least a comma after anymore, maybe even a semi-colon. Also, I would like a little more background/explanation about this. I have no idea why coffee would make them think of the mother. Coffee is an every day thing. I think things that remind people of others have to be substantial, which coffee is not. If you are going to say it, I'd advice writing a story to go along with it.
Plot
There are a few things that I want to talk about here.
One would be the drinking that her father does. You say that her mother was killed by a drunk driver. Now, I don't know much about the human mind, psychology and all that, but if I put myself in that position, I would stay away from alcohol as much as possible. You might want to consider changing it. Above you say that coffee reminds them too much of their mother, well, alcohol seems like it would fit in there better.
Another thing would be the history of the mother entirely. I'm sure you've read books with the main character's dead mother being a big part of it, it's a huge topic. Think of those books. Don't you find it wonderful how they slowly introduce the emotional problems of the main character? I do. To me, this piece would be stronger if you kept it more of a secret, even til the very end. This is a novel, correct? You need to introduce things as if you have a million words to do so, which you do. Novels are long, and if you can take a chapter introducing the main character's emotional faults, then you're going to have a short and blunt story on your hands.
Characters
Your main character is very bland. In fact, the only interesting part about her is that she's crazy, writing on walls and all that. I think you need to add some more thought to her. I'd like you to explain the sitting down at the table with her father more. I want to see a scene where she sits there describing how awkward it is. Maybe even point out that she is disgusted by her father by having her comment on his grotesque eating habits or something like that. Right now all I see is "Waaaah my mom is dead. suicide." If you can add some different emotions in there, this chapter will be excellent.
I think you're going to have a very good novel on your hands. I can see that you have a lot of imagination and creativity in your, make sure it flows to your writing into each and every scene.
Classy