Tap your pencil on your thigh
try to catalyze the flow
of unpresented words
I see you.
Let the spectre
of a smile
lift your lips
as you watch
a silver-crowned couple
embrace.
Hum your favourite song
about autumn and girls
as you dance home on the curb
I see you.
Crease your brows with concern
at a wound or a hurt
offer band-aids or words
I see you.
Close your eyes
as the shimmer
of a setting sun
warms your skin
and bronzes
your golden grin.
What goes on past green windows-
behind brooding dark brows?
I have solved your enigma.
I can see you.
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140,085 Literary Works • 672,996 Reviews
Hello Laminated. Jonathan here with a review for you and your poem.
Okay well I can’t help but notice that you are lacking in punctuation, I would say put some commas in and maybe even capitalizing the beginning letter of each line.
You also miss spelled [quote=Laminated] spectre [/quote] It is I do believe supposed to be spelled “Specter”, but I may be wrong.
And what does this mean.[quote=”Laminated”] and bronzes
your golden grin.[/quote] now I had no idea you could have a golden grin you know it’s like giving a movement its own color. Also you say you in your poem, now I think this is not the best of ways to do it I and some other readers don’t like personalizing it can me annoying.
Overall your poem was cool some mistakes but they are easy to fix and not super big.
Keep writing and good luck.
~Jonathan~
What a beautiful poem.
The opening phrase, I loved this,
However it doesn't seem like unpresented exists? (according to my spell check) Did you mean unrepresented? Also the 'I see you' seems slightly out of place, like an extra syllable was needed. perhaps say Can see you, like you do in the last line.
I really love almost all of the imagery in this poem and there is not much i can say to improve on for this review.
You do have some missing punctuation however. You seem to put it in at the end but let me show you some in the other stanzas.
here I added a comma and a period.
here is was harder to figure out punctuation because it was really all joined but I feel like you need at least one comma in here somewhere.
The rhyming is rhythmically appealing. My favourite line is
Close your eyes
as the shimmer
of a setting sun
warms your skin
and bronzes
your golden grin.
This especially impressed me.
Keep on writing.
Thanks
It has been ages since I reviewed or studied poems, the last time I took it seriously was about 5 years ago! But pardon me for being rusty, I will of course give you a review which I hope will benefit you
There is something very unique about your poem that got me to sit up. At first I had to re-read the first and second stanza, but the third onwards got me hooked. I knew instantly it wasn't a puzzle of mystery, suspense or something Sherlock would tackle, rather it's something deep and emotional, something very personal.
What I liked about your poem is the way you create repetition through a rhythm. 'I can see you' does not appear at the ends of the 2nd and 3rd stanza and that's good, because it does not bash into my skull the point you are trying to drive across. It reinforces the musicality of your poem and really got me thinking once I read the last stanza.
So I get a warm picture of someone reminiscing the moments of someone special to him. When I read the 2nd stanza I can almost feel and imagine the images in my head:
lift your lips
as you watch
a silver-crowned couple
embrace.
The lack of a rhyme is okay because the ending words have a masculine tone that is strong but not too strong to break the flow of your poem.
Also I found that you rhyme at certain points where you truly want to emphasize something:
Close your eyes
as the shimmer
of a setting sun
warms your skin
and bronzes
your golden grin.
It is beautiful. I'm serious. This stanza with a blend of feminine words and masculine rhymes help to moderate the tone. The warm atmosphere is maintained and it remains coherent to the nature of your poem.
Eventually the message I got is about knowing a person in depth. The puzzle unlocked is basically the puzzle of another human heart decoded. And that is what love is founded upon.
Good to know that you wrote a great poem! Keep writing!
And that is exactly it's meaning
Thanks!
I like the odd rhyme scheme. It's quite thought provoking.
Your lack of punctuation adds to the puzzle of your poem. I have no critique as I can't really critique a poem I don't fully understand XD
It definitely is a puzzle poem XD
But keep on writing as I think that your style is very different and interesting, it needs to be expressed