Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.
PROLOGUE:
The sound of crackling thunder shook the ground and along with it, a harsh string of lightning snaked towards the tree far ahead of us, once it made contact, the tree exploded into flames, making me shriek with fear.
I looked up again and once I did, I saw the thing I'd never thought of seeing.
Right next to the flaming tree stood a humanoid wolf standing on its two, long hind legs, its red eyes glowing with hunger as its mouth foamed, the white stuff so unbelievably thick and heavy, I heard it plop to the mossy floor.
I stared at the thing, wondering if all this was just my imagination gone wild but, even with me rubbing my eyes....the werewolf didn't disappear but instead, it's black, hairy and scarred body glowed thanks to the growing flames.
Even though I was already terrified as hell, the creature seemed to take a very deep breath. And with a sudden powerful stomp of its clawed foot, it roared, and I heard a sound which seemed more like the screech of a truck's tire. With that, it glared down at us and carefully placed itself on its four feet, growling and clawing at the ground.
My eyes widened and I immediately pulled on my horse’s reigns, hearing my heart beat like a drum.
"Hey, GET ON!!" I yelled as I pulled a guy up behind me. Once he was on the horse, we raced away from the creature.
"WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?!!" the boy yelled from behind me while my horse galloped through the darkening forest.
"How the heck should I know? And stop yelling!" I shouted back. Unexpectedly, he shut up and when I thought he was gonna stay quiet, he grabbed my shoulder, making me turn back to him.
Once I looked back, my heart stopped to see the creature was right behind us, galloping crazily with its mouth still foaming and the eyes as wide as apples like a crazed rabid dog.
Looking at its wide and crazy red eyes.....I'm starting to think those are the last things I'm ever gonna see.
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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hi there!
I'm known to harp on first lines of novels and short stories. Okay, maybe I'm not known for it, but I do harp on a lot of them. Here I am to harp on yours! Yay! Anyways, this sentence is too long. It should be split into two sentences. All you have to do is replace the comma between 'us' and 'once' with a period.
Now, let's talk about your opening sentence -- sentences. I think it really grabs the reader's attention. We're thrown right into an intense situation, even if it's just a description of a tree exploding with flames. It's still a lot of action and really pulls us in. I always think it's good to start off with something like this for that particular reason. Good job finding something to make us really want to dive into the story.
I'm confused by this sentence. From the beginning you make it seem like you're focusing on the MC. But then all of the sudden you switch to describe what the creature is doing. It's always important to keep your perspectives in check. Always know who you're talking about and who/what your describing. I'd suggest splitting this into two sentences. One where your MC describes how terrified they are and another that describes what the wolf is doing. Or just take out the 'even though' at the beginning and reqork the sentence that way.
Overall this is a very suspenseful prologue. After reading this, there is only one thing that sticks out in my mind: there's a terrifying wolf thing out there chasing after your MC. Oh how I wish I knew more! But alas, I cannot know more yet. I will have to wait until the first chapter!
Your MC's voice is quite strong in this prologue. Despite the fact that he (she?) is absolutely and utterly terrified, they stay coherent enough to gather their feet underneath them and keep going. And the way he is telling us this story is great as well. He tells it with such patience and care, describing what is going on around him as this crazy beast is revealed.
Like catcha mentioned below me, this other boy comes out of nowhere. I would've liked to see a short introduction. It would've also worked if you had mentioned that the boy was there and your MC had no idea how he got there, but he decides he must save him from this terrible creature.
Let me know when you post the first chapter!
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Hello LamiaCor, Catcha01 here with a review.
First off welcome to YWS. I liked this prologue and I see that if you continue with it, it has great potential. The story line was good and the introduction of a new supernatural creature that isn't cliche will really make your novel stick out against the rest.
Okay now the review:
This line sounds a bit... awkward in a way where it is among the other lines surrounding it. It disrupts the flow you have going on a bit and to keep the flow you may want to change it.
This line came out of nowhere. In the beginning of the piece the narrator seems like she's standing rather than sitting on the back of a horse. You should hint this in the beginning of the piece rather than just inserting the horse out of nowhere.
This guy came out of nowhere as well, if he's just a bystander he should get a bit of recognition at the least that he's there. Also this act may play a role into your character's personality, if this guy's a total stranger because that shows a selfless side in a way because there are some people who would leave a stranger. So please be mindful of this.
I think I understand the gist of what you're trying to say, but it once again comes across a bit unclear with the apple eyes and rabid dog. Its a good analogy and good line but just to make it clearer you should use crazed rabid dog's, rather than crazed rabid dog.
Aside from this I saw no grammatical errors and I loved your last line, it makes you want to read more. I will be awaiting the first chapter.
Keep Writing!
~Catcha01