Curiously timid, Lily Andrews rushed through the locker adorned halls of PetersVille High, keeping a wary eye out for any teachers or Hall Monitors who might so happen to be lurking about.
A black schoolbag slung over her slender shoulder complimented her raven hair but contrasted sharply with her bright blue jeans, her green T-Shirt and her swade sandals. Stealing a quick glance at her watch, Lily sighed heavily through her teeth, producing a snake like “Hssssssss”.
Much to Lily's growing frustration she was already 10 minutes late for her History Class.
Though tardiness was not an uncommon feature of Lily's daily routine she always avoided, if she could, being late for history class. It was not that she had any particular aptitude for the subject. Rather she had a particular fear of the class teacher, Mr Brookes. From her first day in Mr Brookes' history class, Lily had felt victimised by the grey-suit wearing educator. Then again to his credit Brookes did seem to show most students similar levels of disdain and indeed hatred.
Surly tempered Mr Brookes seemed to pick students to torment and humiliate at random without the use of any criteria. It could be bashfully ignorant Brian Rogers who was at the bottom of the class constantly or it could be pompous Padraig Walker who aced every test. Lily could never really understand why someone who quite clearly hated students would become teacher. Karen Simons, Lily's best-friend had simply stated “He's just a mean hearted person Lils” which had been followed by her friend Padraig's rather frank declaration “Yeah, Mr B is a real mother fucker!” Lily couldn’t help but agree with Padraig's view in that particular matter. Spying the red door to Mr Brookes' classroom from the corner of the hall-way, Lily quickly glanced hurriedly at her reflection in the window of a darkened classroom. She couldn’t afford to be a mess on top of being late. Above all else Brookes was a neat freak. Every day he would appear in class in an immaculate grey suit, identical to the one worn the day before without a single strand of his greasy grey hair out of place. Bad deportment would not go unpaid for in Brookes's classroom.
Struggling with weak knees at the thought of her unaviodable confrontation with Brookes, Lily proceeded with shuffling steps to the red door and, while fighting the butterflies which assailed her stomach, opened the door gingerly and entered. Closing the door with a soft “click” behind her Lily felt momentary elation as she did not see Brookes in his usual static position at the top of the classroom beside the blackboard and his desk. Sighing in relief, Lily began to scan the classroom for Karen or Padraig, not aware of the deadly silence which had gripped the room. Lily then noticed that every set of eyes in the room was staring at her. Feeling a peculiar shudder run through her, Lily opened her mouth “Wha-” but cut her of when she saw Karen staring at her from the top of the class with an amused grin plastered on her face. It took Lily a moment to realize that Karen wasn’t staring at her but rather past her. As this realization came upon her, Lily felt her stomach churn nervously. Dread filled Lily as she slowly began to turn and found-
“WHAT! Indeed Miss Andrews!” snarled Mr Brookes loudly as he leaned against the back wall of the classroom. “Did you intend to ask What? Time is it? Growled Brookes “or maybe it was something more casual like “What's happening guys?”. Brookes stormed to the front of the class, the tail of his grey jacket bellowing behind him.
“Sorry Sir” muttered a downcast Lily as Brookes glared at her coldly with his empty grey eyes.
“Sorry for what? being late or getting caught?”
A bit of both is the thought that flew into Lily's head rebelliously but she decided that nothing good could come from answering that question so she simply resolved keep her mouth shut and stare down at her feet.
“So!” began Brookes “What’s your excuse?”
Feeling her face redden Lily mumbled “I over slept”
Brookes glared down at her menacingly and said “I didn’t quite catch that, Miss Andrews! Speak up!”
Visibly mortified by Brookes' interrogation Lily scowled up at him and said clearly “I over slept Sir!”
Brookes sneered in response “And yet you had time to do your hair and makeup!” Sitting down behind his desk on his swivel chair, Brookes began to scribble a something in his notebook.
“You will have detention every day after school for the next two weeks”
Lily grimaced but she was only to glad to be finished with this public escapade so she mumbled a quick “Yes sir” and sat down at the desk next to Karen who was busy biting the top of her pencil to suppress her giggles. Lily glared at her ruefully. “Shut it” hissed Lily silently as Karen buried her head in her arms to muffle her outburst. Grabbing her notebook and pen out of her bag, Lily avoided Brookes's glare as she waited for him to start the lesson. After a few moment of her fiddling with her pen Mr Brookes began.
“Ahhh hmmm” coughed Brookes softly.
Instantly, twenty sets of wandering eyes snapped into focus onto Mr Brookes. Brookes in turn leered down at his class, his greyish eyes filled with utter contempt. Though this sentiment was returned by the class tenfold not one student would have the audacity to convey such hatred while looking at Brookes lest they fall victim of his bad temper.
“As I said last week today we will be starting a class project”
Groans of frustration emitted from the class at these words. However this was quickly silenced by and icy glare from Brookes.
Brookes continued in his monotone drawl “The focus of this project will be a fascinating part of local history” As he spoke Brookes had strolled over to the blackboard and began to scratch something in chalk across the board but his body obscured whatever it was. After the squeaky strokes of the chalk had receded Brookes moved aside to reveal:
“The Baker Street Hospital Massacre”
Brookes read it aloud. From the side of the board Brookes continued “Now I am certain that all of you have some level of familiarity with this topic-” Nods all round from the students “but what I want from this class goes beyond trivial knowledge. I want an in-dept report on this incident including sources and quotes”. A sigh escaped at the desk behind Lily who stole a risky glance behind her to see Padraig whose eyes were glued to the Black Board with eager anticipation. There was little Padraig loved more than history, with an unsolved mysteries being the exception.
“You may work in groups of two, no more! This project is due Friday two weeks!” Staring around the room Brookes asked “Understood?”
Grumpy murmurs of “Yes sir” echoed through classroom accompanied with mass nodding. Brookes grabbed a stack of what appeared to Lily to be newspapers of his desk and began stalking by each desk, dropping a paper at each. As it clattered onto her desk Lily grabbed up the old newspaper and frowned down at it. It was dated 15 years ago. It was the towns own paper “The PetersVille Herald” and the picture-less cover read “Hospital of Horrors” in plain black ink. Immediately Lily heard the scratching of a pen against paper behind her. Padraig was already to work taking notes. Finished handing out the papers Brookes spoke from the back of the class “This is the most extensive report on the incident but there have been others!” growled Brookes as he stared at his wrist watch. “I want your project to include other articles and first hand accounts!” Opening the classroom door Brookes continued “Now I have to attend a staff meeting”
Brookes glowered menacingly around the room and said in his coldest and fiercest tone “If I hear any reports of horse play there will be hell to pay!” With a last dramatic overly glare around the room at each of them he stormed out and with a quick slam of the door Brookes was gone.
It was a mark of how much the students had come to fear Mr Brookes that they did not immediately break the dead silence. No the class remained silence for a good two minutes after Brookes's departure, but then somewhere to the right-front of the class whispered muttering began. Pretty soon the cream coated walls of the classroom where vibrating with voices involved in various conversations and playful yapping.
Twirling around in her seat urgently, a red faced Lily exclaimed through her giggles “You Bitch!” to Karen who was still seized by dry sobs of giggles and much to Lily's dismay, she to was drawn into the hilarity of Brookes's verbal assault against her. After a few moments of gasping giggles Lily and Karen were interrupted from behind “Hey Ladies some of us are trying to work!”
Spinning around in their chairs Lily and Karen faced “some of us” Padraig Walker, who was in the act of appraising his copy of the PetersVille Herald intensely. A slight grin slipped onto Padraig's pale as marble face, high-lighting his prominent canines, giving Lily the impression that she was looking at a vampire. “You know, this guy was pretty slick” Said Padraig as he looked up at the girls.
“Why am I not surprised that you would think a killer is slick, Paddy” Lily said with a role of her eyes.
Karen smiled broadly showing off her pearly whites and making doe eyes at Paddy. “Speaking of pretty slick, loving the plain black t-shirt, Paddy” laughed Karen playfully “Very unique and original”
Padraig with a sly smile tugged at the chest of his plain black T-shirt and looked at for a moment “It's all about subtlety Kar” retorted Padraig looking at her “Besides the girl who sold it to me said it complimented my hair”. As he spoke he ran his hand through his golden hair.
“And your black eyes....” murmured Karen mockingly
“Thank you, Karen but my eyes are quite clearly brown” snapped Padraig in playful defence.
“You tell her Paddy!” stated Lily frankly “and by the by where’s your crew?”
Padraig rubbed his temples sighing “Okay, first of all stop calling us a crew! Unless we get tattoos and motorbikes that’s just gonna get our asses kicked by actual crews!”
Karen nodded “Too true”
Paddy continued “and secondly don't ask for “my crew” if you only want Buck Molloy”
Lily slapped her hand down on the table loudly and growled through grinded teeth “Stop spreading that rumour! Buck's beginning to believe it!”
“That’s because I am an excellent liar” Smiled Paddy wolfishly “and by the way the guy's have soccer game! Go Hell Cats!”
Out of the guy's of who also included Brian Rogers, Luke Belmont and Michael “The Buck” Molloy only Padraig abstained from the soccer team in favour of class. This didn’t really surprise Lily as Padraig had always been more interested in puzzles and games than sports.
Glancing down on the Herald on Padraigs desk Lily scowled “This project is going to be a pay in the ass to do”
“Yeah but if you don't do it there will be HELL TO PAY” cried Karen with a maniacal laugh.
Lily smiled “Great impression but as I was saying-”
At the back of the classroom the red door burst open once more as Brookes strode in, sparing the eardrums of Padraig and Karen from the inevitable tedious harangue Lily had been about to embark on.
Padraig whispered “Time for work ladies” Lily could almost hear the faint smile in Padraigs voice as she turned to her table “ and Karen remember to help Lily with her spelling, she does get confused”
Suppressing the urge to stab Padraig with a pen as her insulted her, Lily bit back as calmly as possible “Paddy just cause I’ve known you most of my life doesn’t mean I won't kill you”
Padraig chortled “Maybe not, but it will make it harder”
“SILENCE IN MY CLASSROOM!” roared Mr Brookes loudly, ironically.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
I liked this overall, but there was that little beginning sentence that bothered me. "Curiously Timid" doesn't really fit here. I believe the person above me covered everything else but I just had to point that out. It made the Opening feel awkward. Keep writing this, I like it! bElL3
Alright, one of my favorite quotes of Stephen King's is that "the road to hell is paved my adverbs". It's true. 99% of the time, adverbs make your writing way way way way worse. I know I know, I used "timidly"... I just wanted to keep the word "timid" in there, and turning it into an adverb was the only way I could do it.
Second, I don't like the name "Lilly Andrews". It reminds me too much of Julie Andrews. Also, Lilly isn't a common name for our time period, so it just doesn't make any sense to me. Sorry if that's harsh.
And there's a few little things.. Everyone knows that the hallways in high schools are "adorned" with lockers, so it's kind of stupid to tell us that. "So happen to be" is just a little bit trite and cliche, so I took it out.
Not gonna lie, nobody wants to hear a complete description of what your character is wearing. It seems like all amateur writers begin their stories with a description of the characters appearance. It's actually quite annoying.. Especially when you use verbs like "raven". Sorry, but I don't even know what color that is.
And words like "hall monitors" and "history class" are NOT proper nouns, so they should not be capitalized.
I didn't like your starting sentence because it uses passive language (I think :p). Aptitude means being good at something, not actually enjoying it. *I used the work "liking", which is a horrible word, and you should use a different one. But I'm too lazy to go look up a better one for you. And besides, you're the author. **Victimised is NOT a word, so you will need to find a better one.
Also, try not to use such cliche-ish language. It makes me grit my teeth and want to go throw my mamma's cat out the window.
This paragraph was huge. I almost crapped my pants when I saw it.. Ugh. Anyway, I really feel that the statement "Mr. B. is a real mother fucker!" doesn't fit Padraigs character. Isn't he the kid who is at the top of the class? Usually those kind of kids don't go around cussing out teachers behind their backs. Speaking of Padraig, is he Indian or something? If so, he needs an Indian last name. If not, he needs a new name all together. And the section when you are describing Lilly checking herself out in the mirror just doesn't make much sense.. It slows down the flow of the story.
Be careful to not get too hung up with describing a room. Although that may seem to make it clearer what is going on, it actually makes it more confusing. Plus, it drops the excitement level, which makes the reader want to put your book down and go read something more exciting, like Twilight (however much I hate that book). Also, be careful to vary your sentence structure. I noticed that most of your first sentences in this paragraph used the same structure, one with run-on sentences and lots of commas. <--NOT GOOD. (: Oh, and the part I underlined was real real real real good. I liked it
I removed most of this because I removed the tiny bit of dialogue from the paragraph before this. Plus, when teachers are mad, they don't tend to ramble on like that. Trust me, I'm someone who has spent a fair share of time with a teacher's narrowed eyes cast down at them.
Just watch how many describing words (adjectives and adverbs) you use. Your reader can only take so many. And again, "sir" isn't capitalized.
That paragraph was just confusing and there was no need for it. So I took most of it out, and made it less confusing.
Overslept is one word, just so you know. And you need to learn the basic punctuation when using dialogue.
I don't think that you should put exclamation marks after everything that Mr. Brookes says. I've found that the scariest teachers don't need to yell to terrify their students. Plus, have you ever had a texting conversation when someone puts "!" after everything they say? You end up laughing instead of thinking that they're mad at you.
I hate it when people use "sneer" as a talking verb. Talking verb probably isn't the right word, but you know what I mean.
If Mr. Brookes is really that scary, would Karen really be giggling? Wouldn't she be afraid she'd get in trouble too?
Your last sentence was excellent. Enough said. (:
Just watch your punctuation.
It's getting much better now =]
I'm going to close it off here. Because I'm too lazy to finish it (sorry). But hopefully you learned something from the parts you actually did!
Oh, and add me on Myspace: http://www.myspace.com/lenawooly
Alright, one of my favorite quotes of Stephen King's is that "the road to hell is paved my adverbs". It's true. 99% of the time, adverbs make your writing way way way way worse. I know I know, I used "timidly"... I just wanted to keep the word "timid" in there, and turning it into an adverb was the only way I could do it.
Second, I don't like the name "Lilly Andrews". It reminds me too much of Julie Andrews. Also, Lilly isn't a common name for our time period, so it just doesn't make any sense to me. Sorry if that's harsh.
And there's a few little things.. Everyone knows that the hallways in high schools are "adorned" with lockers, so it's kind of stupid to tell us that. "So happen to be" is just a little bit trite and cliche, so I took it out.
Not gonna lie, nobody wants to hear a complete description of what your character is wearing. It seems like all amateur writers begin their stories with a description of the characters appearance. It's actually quite annoying.. Especially when you use verbs like "raven". Sorry, but I don't even know what color that is.
And words like "hall monitors" and "history class" are NOT proper nouns, so they should not be capitalized.
I didn't like your starting sentence because it uses passive language (I think :p). Aptitude means being good at something, not actually enjoying it. *I used the work "liking", which is a horrible word, and you should use a different one. But I'm too lazy to go look up a better one for you. And besides, you're the author. **Victimised is NOT a word, so you will need to find a better one.
Also, try not to use such cliche-ish language. It makes me grit my teeth and want to go throw my mamma's cat out the window.
This paragraph was huge. I almost crapped my pants when I saw it.. Ugh. Anyway, I really feel that the statement "Mr. B. is a real mother fucker!" doesn't fit Padraigs character. Isn't he the kid who is at the top of the class? Usually those kind of kids don't go around cussing out teachers behind their backs. Speaking of Padraig, is he Indian or something? If so, he needs an Indian last name. If not, he needs a new name all together. And the section when you are describing Lilly checking herself out in the mirror just doesn't make much sense.. It slows down the flow of the story.
Be careful to not get too hung up with describing a room. Although that may seem to make it clearer what is going on, it actually makes it more confusing. Plus, it drops the excitement level, which makes the reader want to put your book down and go read something more exciting, like Twilight (however much I hate that book). Also, be careful to vary your sentence structure. I noticed that most of your first sentences in this paragraph used the same structure, one with run-on sentences and lots of commas. <--NOT GOOD. (: Oh, and the part I underlined was real real real real good. I liked it
I removed most of this because I removed the tiny bit of dialogue from the paragraph before this. Plus, when teachers are mad, they don't tend to ramble on like that. Trust me, I'm someone who has spent a fair share of time with a teacher's narrowed eyes cast down at them.
Just watch how many describing words (adjectives and adverbs) you use. Your reader can only take so many. And again, "sir" isn't capitalized.
That paragraph was just confusing and there was no need for it. So I took most of it out, and made it less confusing.
Overslept is one word, just so you know. And you need to learn the basic punctuation when using dialogue.
I don't think that you should put exclamation marks after everything that Mr. Brookes says. I've found that the scariest teachers don't need to yell to terrify their students. Plus, have you ever had a texting conversation when someone puts "!" after everything they say? You end up laughing instead of thinking that they're mad at you.
I hate it when people use "sneer" as a talking verb. Talking verb probably isn't the right word, but you know what I mean.
“Ahhh hmmm” coughed Brookes softly.
Instantly, twenty sets of wandering eyes snapped into focus onto Mr Brookes. Brookes in turn leered down at his class, his greyish eyes filled with utter contempt. Though this sentiment was returned by the class tenfold not one student would have the audacity to convey such hatred while looking at Brookes lest they fall victim of his bad temper.
“As I said last week today we will be starting a class project”
Groans of frustration emitted from the class at these words. However this was quickly silenced by and icy glare from Brookes.
Brookes continued in his monotone drawl “The focus of this project will be a fascinating part of local history” As he spoke Brookes had strolled over to the blackboard and began to scratch something in chalk across the board but his body obscured whatever it was. After the squeaky strokes of the chalk had receded Brookes moved aside to reveal:
“The Baker Street Hospital Massacre”
Brookes read it aloud. From the side of the board Brookes continued “Now I am certain that all of you have some level of familiarity with this topic-” Nods all round from the students “but what I want from this class goes beyond trivial knowledge. I want an in-dept report on this incident including sources and quotes”. A sigh escaped at the desk behind Lily who stole a risky glance behind her to see Padraig whose eyes were glued to the Black Board with eager anticipation. There was little Padraig loved more than history, with an unsolved mysteries being the exception.
“You may work in groups of two, no more! This project is due Friday two weeks!” Staring around the room Brookes asked “Understood?”
Grumpy murmurs of “Yes sir” echoed through classroom accompanied with mass nodding. Brookes grabbed a stack of what appeared to Lily to be newspapers of his desk and began stalking by each desk, dropping a paper at each. As it clattered onto her desk Lily grabbed up the old newspaper and frowned down at it. It was dated 15 years ago. It was the towns own paper “The PetersVille Herald” and the picture-less cover read “Hospital of Horrors” in plain black ink. Immediately Lily heard the scratching of a pen against paper behind her. Padraig was already to work taking notes. Finished handing out the papers Brookes spoke from the back of the class “This is the most extensive report on the incident but there have been others!” growled Brookes as he stared at his wrist watch. “I want your project to include other articles and first hand accounts!” Opening the classroom door Brookes continued “Now I have to attend a staff meeting”
Brookes glowered menacingly around the room and said in his coldest and fiercest tone “If I hear any reports of horse play there will be hell to pay!” With a last dramatic overly glare around the room at each of them he stormed out and with a quick slam of the door Brookes was gone.
It was a mark of how much the students had come to fear Mr Brookes that they did not immediately break the dead silence. No the class remained silence for a good two minutes after Brookes's departure, but then somewhere to the right-front of the class whispered muttering began. Pretty soon the cream coated walls of the classroom where vibrating with voices involved in various conversations and playful yapping.
Twirling around in her seat urgently, a red faced Lily exclaimed through her giggles “You Bitch!” to Karen who was still seized by dry sobs of giggles and much to Lily's dismay, she to was drawn into the hilarity of Brookes's verbal assault against her. After a few moments of gasping giggles Lily and Karen were interrupted from behind “Hey Ladies some of us are trying to work!”
Spinning around in their chairs Lily and Karen faced “some of us” Padraig Walker, who was in the act of appraising his copy of the PetersVille Herald intensely. A slight grin slipped onto Padraig's pale as marble face, high-lighting his prominent canines, giving Lily the impression that she was looking at a vampire. “You know, this guy was pretty slick” Said Padraig as he looked up at the girls.
“Why am I not surprised that you would think a killer is slick, Paddy” Lily said with a role of her eyes.
Karen smiled broadly showing off her pearly whites and making doe eyes at Paddy. “Speaking of pretty slick, loving the plain black t-shirt, Paddy” laughed Karen playfully “Very unique and original”
Padraig with a sly smile tugged at the chest of his plain black T-shirt and looked at for a moment “It's all about subtlety Kar” retorted Padraig looking at her “Besides the girl who sold it to me said it complimented my hair”. As he spoke he ran his hand through his golden hair.
“And your black eyes....” murmured Karen mockingly
“Thank you, Karen but my eyes are quite clearly brown” snapped Padraig in playful defence.
“You tell her Paddy!” stated Lily frankly “and by the by where’s your crew?”
Padraig rubbed his temples sighing “Okay, first of all stop calling us a crew! Unless we get tattoos and motorbikes that’s just gonna get our asses kicked by actual crews!”
Karen nodded “Too true”
Paddy continued “and secondly don't ask for “my crew” if you only want Buck Molloy”
Lily slapped her hand down on the table loudly and growled through grinded teeth “Stop spreading that rumour! Buck's beginning to believe it!”
“That’s because I am an excellent liar” Smiled Paddy wolfishly “and by the way the guy's have soccer game! Go Hell Cats!”
Out of the guy's of who also included Brian Rogers, Luke Belmont and Michael “The Buck” Molloy only Padraig abstained from the soccer team in favour of class. This didn’t really surprise Lily as Padraig had always been more interested in puzzles and games than sports.
Glancing down on the Herald on Padraigs desk Lily scowled “This project is going to be a pay in the ass to do”
“Yeah but if you don't do it there will be HELL TO PAY” cried Karen with a maniacal laugh.
Lily smiled “Great impression but as I was saying-”
At the back of the classroom the red door burst open once more as Brookes strode in, sparing the eardrums of Padraig and Karen from the inevitable tedious harangue Lily had been about to embark on.
Padraig whispered “Time for work ladies” Lily could almost hear the faint smile in Padraigs voice as she turned to her table “ and Karen remember to help Lily with her spelling, she does get confused”
Suppressing the urge to stab Padraig with a pen as her insulted her, Lily bit back as calmly as possible “Paddy just cause I’ve known you most of my life doesn’t mean I won't kill you”
Padraig chortled “Maybe not, but it will make it harder”
“SILENCE IN MY CLASSROOM!” roared Mr Brookes loudly, ironically.[s][/s][s][/s][code]