Him

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Him
I wonder if he's ever told a lie or stretched the truth?
If he has, I wonder if that means he's hypocritical.
Does he like the elderly or does he like the youth?
Is he a man of free speech or is he more political?

Do you think he's felt self conscious about his body?
I sure know that I do, and I must get it from somewhere.
Does he like everyone or does he hate somebody?
To be honest, I'm starting to doubt that he even cares.

Can he even speak the languages he's invented?
Has he ever gambled away all of his life savings?
Do you think his life has ever been complicated?
I don't really think he's had any bad cravings.

Do you think he minds it when we use his name for cursing?
If he does then I think we better stop doing it.
I wonder if he's ever needed any nursing.
I can't help but wonder if he thinks it's rude to spit.

But there's one thing that I'm sure of.
He can't take it anymore, he doesn't know what's right or wrong.
It's meant to be a world of love, full of trust and full of hope.
He knows that it's all been going on for too long,
Because of him the world is slipping down a cold, steep slope.
God just watches and cries alone.

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Blink
Review
Blink wrote a review · Fri May 29, 2009 12:34 pm

Hey! Welcome to YWS! I'll go through the stanzas individually and show you my thoughts. PM me with any questions. =]

I wonder if he's ever told a lie or stretched the truth? [I like this opening. Something's bugging me, though; I feel shorted would be better here, maybe by trimming down "told a lie" to just "lied".]
If he has, I wonder if that means he's hypocritical. [Eh, nah. This isn't working. The "If he has" is to too soft on the character. Not as blunt and effective. The last word feels to me as if you're just trying to rhyme it with "political" which I don't think fits anyway. "I wonder if that means" is yet another conditional section, which might be better sharper. To be honest, none of this is very specific, kind of showing you're making up a character who could be anyone.]
Does he like the elderly or does he like the youth? [I like the beat and the rhyme, but again, another question kind of loses my interest. I'd start using a character to relate these questions to experience, if that makes sense.]
Is he a man of free speech or is he more political? [Free speech is to do with politics. I'm not a huge fan of this line, nor the sister one. Shorten this entire stanza to just the two lines, and I think it would work much better.]

Nice start but the flow is interrupted on too many occasions. The second line is too weak, which makes the last one even more dependant and less effective. However, I like the other two. Maybe include a couple of images (similes/metaphors, for example) to relate this person to? Don't let the rhyming restrict you; if it's refusing to work, leave it, otherwise the ideas will be hazy and you'll get people saying to remove lines. =]

Do you think he's felt self conscious about his body? [Don't ask the reader because I don't know who you're talking about.]
I sure know that I do, and I must get it from somewhere. [I would remove the underlined section, because it drags on a line and makes something that would be better as just a blunt statement rather dull. Besides, the main point of this is to indicate that he is family, the father, perhaps? I think this is done best without the first part as it's supported in the rest of the line.]
Does he like everyone or does he hate somebody? [Again, nice idea, just shorten it down. I would recommend "Has he shown hatred?" But that's just an opinion. It's up to you.]
To be honest, I'm starting to doubt that he even cares. [Once again, remove the first part!]

I'm starting to get a little picky, but I'm noticing a contradiction: the third line implies he's a nice guy who generally is very nice, but then you show he's not caring much? Unless you intended it, I would think about that. Just a thought. :P

Oh, and cut down on the sentence lengths! I'm a killer for it myself, but trust me, lines are far more effective when the bare minimum comes across and the flow is not interrupted, so that the reader can make up his own mind.

Since here you start to bring in ideas and almost answers about the questions, you mist benefit from putting them in at the start of the poem, too, like I said. This is kinda what I mean. :)

Can he even speak the languages he's invented? [I like this a lot. It's kind of mysterious and intriguing at the same time.]
Has he ever gambled away all of his life savings?
Do you think his life has ever been complicated? [Hmm. I think you couuld go further in on this one, like give in an example as you have before. It's a bit of a sweeping questions, if you understand.]
I don't really think he's had any bad cravings. [This is starting to warm on me. Good work.]

This is my favourite so far. I think the flow is fantastic. Its simplicity works wonders. I have no idea whether you intended this, but I'm starting to get the idea as if all of these questions are kind of to do with humanity, and as if these are what defines a person. That might be my reading too much into it, but I just like that interpretation. =]

Do you think he minds it when we use his name for cursing? [Oh! OK, I'm starting to love this now. It fits in with my interpretation somewhat, too. :) ]
If he does then I think we better stop doing it. [Nah, it's a little disruptive. Get rid of "if he does", 'cus I think the solid statement of wanting to stop it is more important with regards the question.]
I wonder if he's ever needed any nursing.
I can't help but wonder if he thinks it's rude to spit.

To be honest, the first line of this stanza comes to early. Because after that, I instantly knew you were talking about God, so the rest of the stanza is somewhat less intriguing and I'm like "OK, you've made your point, stop asking questions." In other words, the effect is lost. I'd introduce it at the end of the stanza since, looking ahead, it goes through with a neater transition to the final verse.

But there's one thing that I'm sure of.
He can't take it anymore; he doesn't know what's right or wrong.
It's meant to be a world of love, full of trust and full of hope.
He knows that it's all been going on for too long;
Because of him the world is slipping down a cold, steep slope. [I don't think this line is worth it. Kind of just drags on a stanza and our attention slips a little. I also think that the flow is broken up by its existence there.]
God just watches and cries alone. [Wonderful ending.]

To be honest though, if he's all-powerful, why would he be crying? It's an effective image but from a religious point of view, you'll need a couple of words to show why he's so helpless. In my opinion. Great stanza, just a few thoughts up there and down below.

As you can see from my comments as I went through, the meaning becomes more apparent and I think I've covered up my view there. I simply adore the way you introduce everything, but my one concern is that the length of time before actually give us a hint is far too long; prior to that, the questions are overloading and I wanted to leave the poem right then. Cut down on the questions and what I'd recommend, because I think you can do it, is put in a couple of other hints to dumb down the amount of "what?"s you're goanna get at the start.

Think of the question as a chocolate. We all love chocolate. If you don't, consult your local GP ASAP. If you take a bite, you'll enjoy the flavour. But if you take one straight after, it won't be as fun. But if you leave it for an hour, it'll taste fantastic. That's how I look at it. Because I love chocolate.

Anyway. =) Remember to cut down on the line lengths where possible, and also try to include some more imagery in your poems so that you don't end up showing us just a poem about right and wrong and how bad the world is, because they're old. Older than the dinosaurs. What I love about poems is that just flow over you, even if you don't understand what they mean. If you vary your vocabulary and keep things more minimalist, the reader will have to search more, but it'll be worth it because the message will be more effective when it comes.

I hope I've helped!

Best
Blinky



I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read in the train.
— Oscar Wilde, The Importance of Being Earnest