Kira
“Ha! You’re too slow!” I ran out of the expensive jewelry store and hid in an alleyway. The police cars raced past me and I let out a breath. At that moment, my ride out of here flew above me. The rope ladder rocked back and forth in the air as I climbed it.When I was safe inside the helicopter, I was met with a slap to the face. “Ow! What was that for?” I looked up at my friend, Luke, who was red in the face and steaming. I sighed as he started to lecture me. “Why must you ALWAYS wait until the police get there to escape? We’ve been in this situation before. You go in, steal what you’re going to steal, and get out. WITHOUT BEING CAUGHT.”
I sighed and looked at my cousin, who was piloting and listening to the lecture with a smile. “Rikki, do you have anything to say?” She shook her head and landed in our little getaway forest. I grinned and jumped out of helicopter. Luke groaned. “Kira, one day, Rikki and I won’t be able to save you when you need saving. That’s why we have these rules.” He looked at me and grinned. “But for now, let’s get a look at our loot!” I beamed and dumped the contents out.
Rikki’s eyes widened. “Woah! How did you manage to steal THAT much stuff in TWO minutes?” I smirked. “It’s a skill.” Luke snorted. He searched through my stolen goods and gasped. Rikki and I turned to him. “What is it?” Rikki inched beside him and gasped as well. I felt the features of my face move to form a confused expression. “Guys, what is it?” Luke held up a blue diamond. “You stole the crest of the queen.” I shrugged. “So?” Rikki threw her hands up. “Girl, you’re 14 and you don’t know about the queen’s crest?”
I rolled my eyes. “Of course, I know about it. What I mean is, why are you guys freaking out over it?” Luke gazed at me with his face laced with seriousness. I was starting to get worried. Luke’s bangs covered cast a dark shadow over his eyes. “Kira, if we’re caught with this it means sudden death. If ANYBODY saw you run out of that store with the diamond, then you could DIE.” I clenched my fists. “That good for nothing queen, does NOTHING for his citizens or his country. All she does is hang and behead.” My face started to heat up. I grinded my teeth together out of rage. “WHY SHOULD I, no, WHY SHOULD ANYONE FOLLOW UNDER HER RULE?!” Hot tears started to stream down my face.
Rikki and Luke turned to me with shocked expressions. I brought my knees to my chest and sighed. “I’m just saying if we had a better government, heck, a better QUEEN, none of us would be involved in crime, or running for our lives every other day.” I hiccupped as my tears fell. Luke and Rikki ran over and hugged me. I just sat in their embrace. I smiled up at them. “Thanks guys.” Rikki and Luke just nodded. It seemed like my whole world was being built up. Then, as the sirens wailed, it came crashing down.
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hello there, came in for a quick review. Something I just want to say about formatting dialogue is every time a character speaks it's a new paragraph. If you stop to describe halfway through you don't make one, so like this.
"“Woah! How did you manage to steal THAT much stuff in TWO minutes?” I smirked.
“It’s a skill.” Luke snorted. He searched through my stolen goods and gasped. Rikki and I turned to him.
“What is it?” Rikki inched beside him and gasped as well."
Formatting dialogue is awful but you'll get it eventually, another thing to do is remember that you have to get to that sweet spot between not over describing and making sure not to under-describe. You're currently falling a bit behind in the under describe, category. It's really hard to get to that sweet spot so don't be upset if you can't hit it.
With emotion and dialogue, it's hard to get that across, you really shouldn't go full capitalization, instead be descriptive about her tone and what exactly she's doing. Normally angry people clench their hands and teeth.
Also always spell out numbers, don't say 14, say fourteen. Unless a date, always spell out. Something that's kind of fun is when writing you have to mimic how people talk, make sure the voices aren't odd or feel too clunky. Try watching how your friends or people on the internet speak. Everyone speaks a little differently depending on age, gender, personality. Try to write as real as possible.
Anyway your story is cool, can't wait to read more.
It's interesting, but there isn't really a background, is there? All we know is that Rikki is Kira's cousin and that Luke is their friend. And describe their forest! Its hard to envision what's going on... And Kira's emotions shift too abruptly. If a little background of her life had been given, then we could have understood why.
There need to be more paragraphs in your story.
Why do Rikki and Luke turn towards Kira with shocked expressions? You've mentioned earlier that Luke was already gazing at her.
In the fourth paragraph, its hard to understand who is talking after Kira clenches her fists. A break is needed there as well.
It was a nice story, I enjoyed reading it. Set your aims high!
Hello, Lafayette!
I'd cut "Ha! You're too slow" and have the story start right at the action. The dialogue isn't effective because we don't know who is speaking and it doesn't hook me right away.
In the first paragraph, the formatting is off. There should be another paragraph break at "Ow! What was that for?" The rest of the dialogue throughout the whole piece needs breaks in between as well.
Avoid using CAPS to emphasize dialogue. Use italics instead. CAPS, if used at all, should denote shouting, and definitely used sparingly.
“That good for nothing queen, does NOTHING for his citizens or his country." - I think you mean "her"
All in all, I think your writing is pretty good. Are you just starting out? There were just a few things that needed tweaking, mostly formatting issues. Otherwise the piece is very clean, smooth, and easy to read. I don't have a lot to comment on in terms of plot or character yet. I do think the scene could use description of the time and setting, because right now the characters are just floating in space for me. The helicopter made me think modern, but then talk of the queen had me thinking medieval times for some reason. I think just more description and laying out the foundation of the setting will help ground the readers in the world.
Great work!
-Dream