Here I play with fire - the pyrotechnic prodigal;
an element that burns me less
than that which I so fondly long to cast myself into -
allow her waves to swallow me down,
and drown in soft blue currents...
It seems a mirror image
of I game I have to play,
despite the bruises left upon my skin.
The flames dance around my open palm,
they brush my lips and twist my hair,
warm, and very gentle...
such power within...
The eyes staring back at me
lacked the flame clasped in my palm -
two placid pools of stagnant darkness,
a kiss - forced, and cold.
A mind run on too many thoughts
In tiny, tizzy circles... tired.
Unaffected.
Unforgiving.
Does rain come to douse the flame,
or does it really submit?
Does fire pull moisture from the air,
or does it merely posses it,
The flames dance captivate,
on my skin - barely contain?
moving, never burning -
until the water
puts it out again.
{CLeeB; 4.22.2009}
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hello there! I cannot offer my full review at this moment because I shall be leaving for school, so I'll just comment on the things I noticed in one read and be around later to add to it.
I found the ellipses more annoying than actually helping the poem in anyway. Ellipses kind of weaken whatever you're saying unless it's done incredibly skillfully - not to say you did it without skill - but a like like, "such power within" deserves more of a powerful end in punctuation than the three dot fade out it has been given.
The comma doesn't need to be there, grammatically, and it also made reading this like awkward.
I think you should consider reformatting this section so the lines don't cross over. I didn't know how to read it initially, and therefore read it all from right to left, rather than realizing that the words on the right go with the stanza on that side. I can understand your desire for the cool formatting, but I think when they cross this is too confusing. I do have a complaint about the ride side but I'll mention that when I have more time.
So those are all my basic edits. Like I said, I'll come back later in the day and give a fuller review of the poem! Have a wonderful day.