This is the rewrite of the first chapter (The first bit of it since the chapter is kinda long). The name is temporary. Rated 16 for violence I think. *The begginging is changed. I wonder if it seems better. I like it more than the last..... I just kinda deleted the top half. 
Chapter 1.
Walking in the forest by the town of Faith was a young girl. She kept her hand on the hilt of a sheathed sword tied to her side. The girl paid no mind to any of the beauty of the forest around her. She came to a stop near two trees to rest. A voice stopped her in her tracks when she was about to continue.
“Hello, Miss?” Someone said. Behind her stood a short, portly man with dark eyes, and black buzz cut hair. With a small colourful bag was tied to his right arm.
“Hello,” she replied politely.
“Excuse me, Ma’am, but are you lost? You’ve been wandering around a lot,” he asked.
“No, Sir. Thank you for your concern.” She flashed a smile and turned from him.
“Wait!” He said.
She did and sighed turning back to him.
“What is your name?” he asked.
“Taralyn, but I prefer Tara,” she answered. “Now what is your name?”
The man raised his chin proudly and said: “My name is Farsto the second."
"Farsto?"
"Yep. My father loved the name. So he gave it to me," he explained while untying two strings on his arm bag. He reached into the bag to pull out a rag but something else came out and fell to the ground before he could catch it. A dagger! Automatically she slid her sword halfway out of the sheath.
Her heart thumped seeing it.
"Why do you have that?"
Farsto grinned picking it up.
"Probably the same reason you have that. For my safety," he assured. When he had leaned down a piece of paper fell from the bag.
"Oh, you dropped something." Tara picked it up and stared at a seal on the paper. The seal was a light purple G in a circle of intertwined vines. The G meant 'Garnello' which was bad. For her anyway.
Farsto let out a yelp and snatched it from her hand.
"You're here to capture me aren't you? My father sent you!" Tara pulled her sword all the way out of its sheath.
"I guess since my cover is already blown... Yes, your father wants you home."
"So, I am not going home."
Farsto shrugged and pointed his dagger at her.
"I was sent by your father and he is expecting me to bring you back. I intend to do that."
"You'll have to fight me first."
"What ever you want," Farsto snarled. Farsto lunged first. Tara lifted the heavy sword with some strain. She used to never be able to lift it at all. The dagger made contact with the blade of her sword. She ducked as he swung again. To add to the weight of the sword, she also didn’t know how to use it right. So she went by the adrenaline that rushed through her body. Despite her swing the only strike that made contact was on Farsto’s arm. Blood barely surfaced from the wound. Tara lunged ahead and he moved out of the way. As Tara stumbled to gain her balance he took the chance to shove her against a tree. All the breath was knocked out of her lungs and her head slammed hard against the tree. She slid down, blood trickling from her head as her surroundings became dark.
“Uh oh." Farsto gulped, “Don’t tell me I killed her!”
Through slitted eyes Tara’s last sights before passing out were Farsto putting his dagger away then running off.
Like? Hate? Let me know and if you like it click that 'like button'.
End of chapter
Continue to next chapter Tara chapter one *part two!*Points:
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139,481 Literary Works • 672,576 Reviews
I know.... I suck at opening lines and this was the best I could come up with.... I've been trying to think of new ones...
I didn't read the first draft, so I'm not sure how you improved.
I'll just take it from here.
Firstly
Your beginning
Your beginning is what will rope the reader in, and your wasn't that strong. To be honest, and no offense, but it was quite cliche. Now, smooth out your detail, add emotion. How does Tara feel?
But, overall,
this was a lovely peice.
Write On
~WickedWonder
I liked it! Of course, this is my type of novel! Female warriors, sword wielding heroine's = awesomeness! My only advice would be to maybe explain a little better, hint at some details...lol, i loved the mans reaction when she got hurt, so believable that a not quite brave (but not necessarily brave-brave) man would run, lol, made me laugh!
Keep Writing and Good luck! ^--this part may be confusing lol.
Hey there, ladypurple~
I saw that this is a re-write, but I haven't read how it was before, so I can't tell you how much you improved on it, but I'll let you know everything I noticed.
First of all, just a few grammar issues to get out of the way.
There was a change from past tense to present tense in this sentence, and it made me stop and read it twice, interrupting the story.
"Use to" should be "used to."
Other than that, I didn't really see anything as far as grammar and spelling goes. Good job.
Now, I can't comment too much on the storyline because it's only the first chapter, so there isn't really one. I do have a lot of questions, though. Who is her father? Is he an important person? Why does he want her home? Why doesn't she want to go home? Like I said, it's only the first chapter, so I can't really expect to know too much, but maybe a little bit more information would be nice. One main problem I noticed was that the information we get about the setting is a little lacking. We know that it's in a forest near somewhere named Faith, but that's it. What part of the world is Faith in? Is it the real world, or a fictional world? What is the time period?
Overall:
I can't really say too much since there's barely any information yet. So far, though, I wouldn't say that it's a story that I'll remember. Who knows, maybe it will turn out to be a masterpiece? But for now, I'm not too interested.
Feel free to PM me with any questions you may have, or to let me know if you post more (I'd like to see where it goes from here)~