It was meant to go as every morning did. Valentino would rise early and go to his study until it was time to eat. Then he would bring the food up to his wife himself instead of a servant. This always made her smile. It warmed his heart the first time he brought it; her eyes lit up upon seeing him carry the tray to her bed. Unfortunately, he had dropped it, spilling food everywhere and the tray clattering loudly on the floor, and became humiliated. But his embarrassment melted away when he heard her laugh. He had laughed too. Then he watched her. He would have never guessed that she was so sick. Her pale, gaunt face. He would have never guessed she could not stand on her own anymore. She still looked so happy and full of life.
How dramatically things can change. He had woken that morning when the sky was dark and rain pelted the window with a pit feeling. He could not ignore the sense that something was wrong as he carefully slipped out of bed, trying not to disturb Nellie. He sighed, pulling on his robe. For a second he glanced back at the bed. There she was, graceful as ever in her sleep. He made his way around to her quietly. He touched her cheek then leaned down to kiss her hair. She felt cool but he brushed it off. He would go to his study to finish something from yesterday and be back in an hour or two when she was awake.
Except, when he brought her food, she was not awake. The pit feeling returned with a vengeance this time as he set the tray at the foot of the bed. He shook her shoulder and said her name softly.
'Nellie,' he said loudly this time, shaking her more. He sat beside her.
'Nellie, it's me, Valentino. I've brought you breakfast. Please, wake up.'
He became frantic, pulling her up, shaking her shoulders, saying her name over and over. But she was limp and unresponsive. He knew this day would come. Just not today. He held his wife's small body against his, choking back the tears prickling behind his eyes.
He rocked her like a child, stroking her hair, kissing her face.
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140,085 Literary Works • 672,996 Reviews
LadyPurple,
Fellow Team Kuzco! Thanks for your help out there, and here I shall think I should do my part to help you out in some way as well. So let me just dig right into the review!
Lovely <3 I really love stories that begin in that past-tense, recollection kind of voice, where you know that the speaker is about to tell you that "something" is going to happen, and you know that this something is big enough to warrant this re-telling or recollection, and you know that whatever it is, the speaker survives the tale. But the whys and the hows, that's for us to find out, and so I dig into this with a high level of expectation, sure - but also excitement! Voice-wise, I'd say this is very effective. The only thing is that I felt it was a bit too short - I feel it could use just a bit more development character-wise. We know that the wife is going to die -- there's no surprise - but let there be emotional surprise. Let us care about it, and dread the fact that she is dying along with your character!
Technical
Watch your sentences, and be sure to proofread for grammar/spelling. You want to be able for the reader to get lost in your story and forget that there are even words on a page. You want for your readers to see only the world you're creating and your characters, but as soon as there is a grammar or spelling error - than that illusion is broken.
For example here, at first I was thinking that the window was filling like a pit. What? What are you saying? I mean, I get what you're saying - just that the sentence needs to be re-structured. "That morning, he had woken with a feeling of a sinking pit in his stomach as he watched the dark rain pelting against the window." (Maybe?)
Content
On a positive note, there is some great atmosphere and mood building that you have going on. Even though this is a short piece, there is definitely a sense of emotion that is being evoked - I may not know much about Valentino himself, but I do know that he loves his wife, and he is endearing to me too - that part about him dropping the food - it made me smile. My only suggestion would be to expand and develop this more and add more - what was his wife like? Other than just a bunch of physical description we get of what she was like, we don't really know much about her character or the interaction between Nellie and Valentino. When you go about developing characters and developing these scenes - think about specific things that they do together. It can be as mundane as reading to each other - or as weird as skipping rocks on a beach.
Check this out:
Check this out. Perfect example! In just four minutes, we have a bunch of short, small scenes, but we have their entire life story and we feel and cry for these characters! That's the kind of developing that we want - it doesn't have to be much - but it's the little things that produce the tear jerkers!
I hope this helps!
~ as always, Audy
"For example here, at first I was thinking that the window was filling like a pit."
thanks guys!
Hehe yeah I'll work on that
"For example here, at first I was thinking that the window was filling like a pit."
thanks guys!
Hehe yeah I'll work on that
Sentence fragment. Sometimes you can get away with it if it fits the tone of your story, but this one definitely needs to be fixed.
Not a bad piece overall, but it's not the most original either. It's hard to read when there aren't any paragraphs but I just looked at the comments and I can see that it was a site error so I won't bother getting into that.
Definitely watch out for sentence fragments because your writing has a habit of leaning that way.
Other than that, I don't have much to add. You don't have an overly original or in-depth story, which makes it difficult to care about Nellie's death or to emphasize with Valentino. A technique such as adding in flashbacks or giving the reader more of an understanding of their relationship would help with that.
Hello Lady Purple!
Keep working and build on this because it definitely has potential.
This is thematically an okay piece, but you need to do more! Right now you have more of a vignette than a short story, so expand on this! Try adding more of an exposition before you get into the rising tension. Give Nellie and Valentino more of a backstory -- Who are they? How did they find one another? Maybe consider more of a setting; Where are they and how can this affect the turns the plot takes. Also, even more importantly, why and how does Nellie get sick?
As you can see, there is a lot of unexplored territory to incorporate into this work, although I am sure you can fit some more details in. Now to some more technical critique ~ You didn't split this into paragraphs...? Even though its so short, splitting the ideas up is definitely a must. Also, try to mix up the length of your sentences, because they all seem about the same short length, and variety in sentence structure will make your piece sound more mature.
Overall, the writing is good so far but this piece is definitely not done
-Scout
I didn't split it into paragraphs because something weird on the site won't allow it (I know, it's driving me insane!)
and thanks for the review:P I'm working on it as we type!
Dear LadyPurple,
I felt this story had its own little meaning and message to give forward to the reader which was good. I understood the concept pretty much. And it was sad to know that his wife died, and you gave it a good impact on it. But I wish you hadn't repeated the instances in the story over and over again. A lot of emotions were passed in this story but description were less.
A story needs to have both. So, I guess you should have described Valentino a little more and Nellie a lot more than you have now since its her the story it talking about. You should added sentences like these :-
Valentino looked into her deep, beautiful (colour of Nellie's eyes) eyes. He felt his own body become a little weak by her beauty.
And more... That was just an example.
But what I liked best was how you described how much Valentino loved her. How Nellie was a great importance to him. That's something you managed to put up, so great work done on that.
And here:
"Became" sounds a litter inappropriate. If I were you, I would use "being". That's just one small mistake.
Overall: I think you could extended this story a little more, by going through Valentino's and Nellie's moments together so you could have got more chances to describe Valentino and Nellie. But here, your directly speaking of Nellie's death and Valentino's thoughts. You can improve on this story a lot more. But its a good theme so good work!
If you have any enquiries, just PM or drop a message on my wall. Also, I'll be looking forward to more of your works!
Keep Writing!~
ChocoCookie
*little appropriate.
you've begun but you've only just begun and already you've finished?
this is not the end of this piece. you MUST push it further. you've found the moment of intense emotion and you've not let us see it or experience or live it out from beginning to end?
first, i'd recommend at least breaking this into two parts: the first the normal day, the second the unusual day. this is a good way to start a story. with a sense of the ordinary, we know more about why the unordinary is so striking. BUT to make the different day even more poignant, you need to put more feeling in the ordinary day first.
i know it seems obvious that when people laugh at other people it can be warm, and the laughing can release the tension of embarrassment, but that's not always the case, so you need to build that moment from scratch. show me the food on the floor. where did it go? did he watch it? did she move at all in response to the food falling? why did she laugh? why did he laugh as well? literally spell it out once for yourself: because it was obvious he was trying so hard to please her and keep everything noble and calm, and just ruined it all?
if that's right, if this dropping of food broke the illusion of calmness, why did the curtain fall right back down and why did they keep up with this ruse habit? why couldn't they find the strength to face each other and this situation honestly?
do they ever talk about her sickness? how do they spend their days? why doesn't he watch over her while she sleeps? what made him choose his study insetad?
anyway, i don't like the way you say "she felt cool but he brushed it off" -- you've already given away what happened, and we want to skip right to the next part. you've basically said, "she was dead but he didn't know it", and it's not subtle and we don't want to wait for the discovery. either make it more subtle or cut out his delayed reaction.
also, why does he need to say his name to his wife?
WHAT does frantic look like in his FACE? what do his eyes look like? his lips? his hair? his skin? give us his face and you give us all of his emotion without telling. why doesn't he let the tears fall? no one else is watching? why doesn't he wail? why is he so quiet? has he accepted this so much? and if so, how did he come to accept the death so calmly?
what's next?
good luck. push further. let me know if you have questions.
The first thing that hit me was - that was so...abrupt.
I love the plot - it's the kindof story that touches people. But it somehow lacked the emotion that wrenches your heart at the end of it. I would've liked to know more about them, their lives, their personalities..maybe the things Valentino would miss the most about Nellie. Just a little more detail, some more emotions, a bit more of a background and that would've been beautiful.
Nice work though! I love your style of writing!
Alright, so, you have a really solid start here, but the thing you are missing most is a sense of emotion. Your writing and way with words is solid, but I think you need stronger reactions from the characters and a broader backstory to add emotion.
Quick nitpick, but watch your sentence fragments, like here
The piece itself is very short, and adding both descriptions and details will add to lessen the readers confusion. Currently, it’s like walking into to a theater hallway through a movie, you have some of the details, but still confusing. Maybe go back to before they fell asleep the previous night, and add some dialogue to strengthen the relationship between Valentino and Nellie
Consider things like why he brought her breakfast in bed for the first time, and what type of family they are (I’m assuming high status, because you mention servants. This will also help to clear up the setting, as that was not fully explored as well.) Focus on expanding your description as well. Describe the room they are in, describe your characters feelings. Is Nellie very sick, or something?
It was a sad twist, with Nellie dying, but I felt it really worked, so good job.
I’m sorry this wasn’t all positive, but you have a good start going, and would love to see more.
~wonderland
Hey Lady! I tried to write you a review a second ago, but something weird happened. Here goes round two! Your review is going to be based on the five components of writing, except for structure and organization since for some reason this posted as a block of text! I'll try to touch on word choice, voice, and idea, and drop a few tips about the importance of setting. Here goes!
Your word choice is pretty good. There are a few spots where you break tense, so I would give it a quick proof read and focus only on tense. I would also like to be shown more, instead of told. Show me the emotion on their faces, the color of the room, the smell of the food, little things like that add a lot of depth to a story. I don't know if you've ever read the Redwall novels, but imagine one of them without the feasts!
Your voice is strong. The narration is very interesting, and there's a natural flow from beginning to end. You do an excellent job describing the emotions at the end of the story.
You have an excellent idea here! This is a story a lot of people can relate too. A lot of people know what it's like to lose a loved one, and I imagine they will be able to relate well to this story. Good job!
Now time to drop a tip on setting!
The setting to a story can feel like another character in itself. Just think of the classic, 'It was a dark and stormy night'. You know something scary is about to happen, and you can't wait to see it happen. Setting can tell you think in a story better than narration. For instance, would you feel the same about Little Red Riding Hood if she was taking the basket through a serene park instead of a dark and dangerous forest?
Your stories setting could really add depth. You can show themes through setting that tell us so much more about the characters. I imagined Nellie's room swathed in sunlight, I imagined her under heavy quilts, I imagined she had white hair. You didn't tell me any of these things, that's just how I felt. How did you envision her room?
Maybe you imagined it dark, dreary, symbolic of Valentino's fear over her sickness. Maybe there are wilted flowers from a friends visit. Maybe there are scrapbooks splayed out before Nellie, as she remembers better days.
Setting is a great way to convey the themes in your story!
Your story was really good, Purp! Keep up the good work!
I am not at all sure why I can't edit this properly. It's not supposed to be just a huge chunk of words like this...