Another of my short stories from my little book(my notebook)! definitely one i could have used when i was younger....
I face the scorn of peers.
I face their scathing words.
They taught my fears.
Sure, when I get home I have the comfort of my loved ones.
But in my mind that is where I'm really safe.
None of my scathing peers are there.
I am strong there I am beautiful there I am brilliant and untouchable.
It is my personal world.
In that personal world no matter what they say.
No matter how they gnaw at me.
They will never defeat me.
I close my eyes to become that Beautiful, stronger, untouchable person inside.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hello there. You might remember me from chat. I saw that you had only one review on this, so I decided to fix that. :D
You've got an unintentional rhyme here, and this really throws off the flow because it makes your readers expect that you'll be rhyming the rest of the poem (which you don't).
I'm not sure why you changed it since you had it correct the first time around. I think you may have misunderstood what dogs was saying. He said that it sounds better if you remove the "too", and I agree with him.
You've got a pretty good idea going on behind this poem, but right now, it's very simple and doesn't do the idea justice. If you could expand upon the idea a bit more by, for example, showing us how much more desirable the world in the mind is to the real one, then you would have more opportunities to use creative imagery, and that would make this poem much stronger. Because poetry is such a short form, and because it's relatively easy to write compared to other forms, you need to make your poetry memorable. Unique imagery is the simplest way. Right now, your poem is lacking any memorable qualities.
Another thing you might want to look into is playing around with your line breaks. Right now, they're at the end of sentences, which is a bit boring. Try experimenting; where you start and end your lines can change the meaning of the poem, and you might be surprised by what you get.
One other thing you might want to look into is reviewing punctuation rules. You had a number of missing commas, and while this wasn't terrible, it did throw off the flow of the poem and make the meaning a bit fuzzy in places. Since poems are so short, your readers will tend to notice tiny mistakes like missing commas much more than in prose, so properly punctuating your poem is always a good idea.
Hiya dogs here
This is just a quick nit pick thing. I don't think you need the "too" in there it makes the flow kinda choppy. Okay this line is just kinda out there and dosnt really fit in. I dont get it why would you put in the scathing?Okey dokey down to business. First of all this is a great POEM. I believe this should actully go in Lytic poetry opposed to short stories because this dosn't really tell a pacific story if you know what i mean.
Apart from those small nit picks this looks like it has a lot of potential but i believe it should be in poetry. PM me if you need anything
~Dogs